A Lost Cause

Shanshu's Dust-Slaying Will Be Temporarily Closed Until Further Notice

...

...

"This is not the end. This is not the beginning of the end. This is the end of the beginning."

Omi Supply Wednesday

Omi has been SO busy with work and life and changes and Tiger Woods Golf 2006 for the PS2 and school and that new chick in logistics, and his new hobbies... that he just hasn't had time to pose for Office Supply Wednesday recently. Luckily, I managed to catch him in the act of working on the new budget reports and managed to snap a quick picture.

He turned around just as I took the pic, and his ninja wrath was fierce, but still the picture remains. I win. OSW lives on!!!

Viva la Omi.

How Mario Makes Those Extra Lives...

I'm Not Dead Yet!!

Promise, I'm good. Everything is fine....I've just been busy and blah blah blah blah. You know the drill.

I'll update more, when I can. In the meantime, please know that you are all in my thoughts, and I would never leave you without at least saying Goodbye.

Kisses on all your pink parts.

-Shanshu

Fuck Earth Day

Since I do not believe that I can adequately describe my feelings towards Earth Day and how incredibly lame it is to me, I decided to let somebody else describe it, for me. I am choosing to blog today about Earth Day and why it sucks, using one of my favorite comedians, George Carlin and his rant about "Save the Planet". I hope you enjoy it.


We're so self-important. So self-important. Everybody's going to save something now. "Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales...save those snails." And the greatest arrogance of all: save the planet. What? Are these fucking people kidding me? Save the planet? We don't even know how to take care of ourselves yet. We haven't learned how to care for one another, we're gonna save the fucking planet?I'm getting tired of that shit. I'm tired of fucking Earth Day, I'm tired of these self-righteous environmentalists; these white, bourgeois liberals who think the only thing wrong with this country is there aren't enough bicycle paths. People trying to make the world save for their Volvos. Besides, environmentalists don't give a shit about the planet. They don't care about the planet. Not in the abstract they don't. You know what they're interested in? A clean place to live. Their own habitat. They're worried that some day in the future, they might be personally inconvenienced. Narrow, unenlightened self-interest doesn't impress me.

Besides, there is nothing wrong with the planet. Nothing wrong with the planet. The planet is fine. The PEOPLE are fucked. Difference! The planet is fine. Compared to the people, the planet is doing great. Been here four and a half billion years. Did you ever think about the arithmetic? The planet has been here four and a half billion years. We've been here, what? A hundred thousand? Maybe two hundred thousand? And we've only been engaged in heavy industry for a little over two hundred years. Two hundred years versus four and a half billion. And we have the CONCEIT to think that somehow we're a threat? That somehow we're gonna put in jeopardy this beautiful little blue-green ball that's just a-floatin' around the sun?

The planet has been through a lot worse than us. Been through all kinds of things worse than us. Been through earthquakes, volcanoes, plate tectonics, continental drift, solar flares, sun spots, magnetic storms, the magnetic reversal of the poles...hundreds of thousands of years of bombardment by comets and asteroids and meteors, worlwide floods, tidal waves, worldwide fires, erosion, cosmic rays, recurring ice ages...And we think some plastic bags, and some aluminum cans are going to make a difference?

The planet isn't going anywhere. WE ARE! We're going away. Pack your shit, folks. We're going away. And we won't leave much of a trace, either. Thank God for that. Maybe a little styrofoam. Maybe. A little styrofoam. The planet'll be here and we'll be long gone. Just another failed mutation. Just another closed-end biological mistake. An evolutionary cul-de-sac. The planet'll shake us off like a bad case of fleas. A surface nuisance. You wanna know how the planet's doing? Ask those people at Pompeii, who are frozen into position from volcanic ash, how the planet's doing. You wanna know if the planet's all right, ask those people in Mexico City or Armenia or a hundred other places buried under thousands of tons of earthquake rubble, if they feel like a threat to the planet this week. Or how about those people in Kilowaia, Hawaii, who built their homes right next to an active volcano, and then wonder why they have lava in the living room.

The planet will be here for a long, long, LONG time after we're gone, and it will heal itself, it will cleanse itself, 'cause that's what it does. It's a self-correcting system. The air and the water will recover, the earth will be renewed, and if it's true that plastic is not degradable, well, the planet will simply incorporate plastic into a new pardigm: the earth plus plastic. The earth doesn't share our prejudice towards plastic. Plastic came out of the earth. The earth probably sees plastic as just another one of its children. Could be the only reason the earth allowed us to be spawned from it in the first place: It wanted plastic for itself. Didn't know how to make it. Needed us. Could be the answer to our age-old egocentric philosophical question, "Why are we here?" Plastic...asshole.

So, the plastic is here, our job is done, we can be phased out now. And I think that's begun. Don't you think that's already started? I think, to be fair, the planet sees us as a mild threat. Something to be dealt with. And the planet can defend itself in an organized, collective way, the way a beehive or an ant colony can. A collective defense mechanism. The planet will think of something. What would you do if you were the planet? How would you defend yourself against this troublesome, pesky species? Let's see... Viruses. Viruses might be good. They seem vulnerable to viruses. And, uh...viruses are tricky, always mutating and forming new strains whenever a vaccine is developed. Perhaps, this first virus could be one that compromises the immune system of these creatures. Perhaps a human immunodeficiency virus, making them vulnerable to all sorts of other diseases and infections that might come along. And maybe it could be spread sexually, making them a little reluctant to engage in the act of reproduction.

Well, that's a poetic note. And it's a start. And I can dream, can't I? See I don't worry about the little things: bees, trees, whales...snails. I think we're part of a greater wisdom than we will ever understand. A higher order. Call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. The Big Electron...Whoooa. It doesn't punish, it doesn't reward, it doesn't judge at all. It just is. And so are we. For a little while.

An Analysis of Cursing, Dammit

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Office Supply Wednesday

The Tragedy of Omi the Office Ninja

Part 2

.

Previously, on Omi the Office Ninja:

Tragedy! Omi was found stuck to the wall...impaled by an unknown enemy!

.

.

But, do not fear. Ninja can heal themselves. Sometimes, they use black magic and sorcery to accomplish this. Other times, they make use of herbs and ointments in the traditions of their fathers before them. But, in certain instances when the wound is severe, office ninja are forced to resort to drastic measures: Staple-puncture.

It is an ancient remedy, passed down from the days of the first rubber office ninja.

Omi's mind and body must become one, if he is to attain balance and heal his wounds. Soon, revenge will come to the person who impaled our little orange assassin! Vengeance will be his!

Will Omi heal himself in time?

Who was the unseen enemy who impaled our office ninja?

Will Omi get revenge?

.

.

Tune in next week!!

Noooo, Really? I Never Would Have Guessed!

Today's DUH moment, brought to you by the British Medical Journal.

.
.
Study: Goths More Prone to Suicide

.
.

Bloggers MIA

My friends are gone. There has been no movement from their blogs, for a many moons now. The skies turn red with the blood of their...um....blogger wounds. Nobody updates their blogs anymore, and I am alone. Isolation. Dispair. I feel the cold winds of change blowing against my cubicle, and while I know it is time to clean out my links, I find it difficult to let go.

So, to help me with the transition, I have assembled a list to honor those who have passed.

Badtouch
Last posted: January 4, 2006

Danius Maximus
Last posted: February 24, 2006

Dirty Blonde
Last posted: March 25, 2006

Musie
Last posted: February 24, 2006

Ebeth
Last posted: January 12, 2006

H.M.H.
Last posted: March 6, 2006

Nameless
Last posted: December 22, 2005

Pizzle
Last posted: March 13, 2006

Rich
Last posted: March 14, 2006

.

To show honor to their courage to rage against the man and waste time at work for the entertainment and benefit of humanity, I will not be deleting thier names from my Links List. Instead, I will create a new links section to honor the dead. Perhaps someday, they will rise again like a Phoenix from the ashes and entertain us, once more.

I'll only put the terminally ill bloggers in the graveyard. The sick and dying will go to the Hospital.

Our thoughts are prayers are with you, MIA Bloggers.

Something You Don't See Everyday...

While scanning the headlines on CNN today, one of them popped out at me, and caused me to do a double-take. You don't often see headlines like this one:

4 Years for Amish Sex Scam

Office Supply Wednesday

OSW TRAGEDY!!

.

.

I came into the office this morning to find Omi had been attacked! His lifeless body was found hanging on the cubicle wall, like some cheap deer head trophy.

.

.

I couldn't believe my eyes. Omi had been impaled by some unknown enemy, and displayed for all in the office to see. Evil is afoot.

.

.

Gently, I took him down from the wall and placed him on the desk to assess the severity of his wounds. It doesn't look good. Is there a ninja surgeon in the house?!

.

.

Overheard Things Are the Best

So last night, while screwing around online and minding my own little business, I happened to overhear a conversation that my girlfriend was having on the phone with her mother. The majority of which, is not important for this post. What is important, is one of the things I happened to overhear. I'll play it back for you, as best as I can:

Jen: He's coming in town this weekend? That's great! ... Well, I haven't seen him for a while. ... Yes, he's my brother and I love him. ... What? What do you mean, he doesn't know how to spell his own middle name? Oh. Wait, why? Why does he need...what?! Brian is tyring to get himself ordained as a minister?! Why is he doing... Oh, he's drunk? Ok.

Knowing Jen's brother, and knowing the random shit that he does like this...I pictured him online trying to become a minister and I laughed out loud. Then I laughed at the randomness of the situation. Then I laughed some more.

I'm not sure if this will be funny to anybody else...but I had to share the story because I had nothing else to say today and I wanted to update my blog.

So..um....that's all you get.

Friggin' List of Firsts

I stole this from Penny, and I feel no guilt. None, I say! Now, read my answers and contemplate every possible meaning of the phrase "Like a baby's arm".
.

1. Who was your first prom date?

My first prom date (junior prom) was Lindsey. She looked hot and we rode in my friend's Mustang. Lindsey is a huge Beatles freak, and while we were outside snogging we missed the John Lennon song Imagine, which happened to be the theme for that prom. She was not happy.

My senior prom date was a blind date. Yep, totally. She and I had never met before, until I went to her house to pick her up and let her parents take pictures of us. My friend hooked us up, but we never spent the time to get to know each other, before the dance. We were lame, but we still had fun in an arranged marriage, sort of way.

2. Who was your first roommate?

Well, in college I was in a fraternity (Tau Kappa Epsilon in case you were curious) my first semester, so I had a bunch of roomies. But my first, official college apartment roommates were Kathy and Emily. Yeah, that's right bitches...I lived with two girls. And yes, there was some hanky involved with one of them. Ka-ching!

3. What alcoholic beverage did you drink when you got drunk the first time?

Jack Daniels....out of little shot bottles, purchased from a gas station during my senior spring break. The next day was also my first hangover.

4. What was your first job?

When I was 14, I worked at a local movie theatre called The Glenwood. It was one of those movie theatres that had some class, and history. Back when people would get dressed up to go to the movies and watch propaganda ads about the war with the Nazis. It was a great first job, and I loved it.

5. What was your first car?

1986 Pontiac Sunbird, purchased for me by my grandparents. It was silver, and had all the 80's trimmings..including a pair of deer sensors on the hood. That's right, I had deer sensors. They are these little devices that emit a high-pitched sound that deer can hear from far away...so they won't stand in the road as you drive by, and crash into you. My grandparents said it was for safety. My friends still make fun of me about it, to this day.

6. When did you go to your first funeral?

I don't remember how old I was...I think 9 or 10. It was my Aunt Bunny, whom I had never met before. I remember it was open-casket and I was too afraid to go up and see her, so I stayed in my seat and thought about death and probably Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

7. How old were you when you first moved away from your hometown?

I was 9 years old, when my mom moved us from my home of Mesquite, Texas to Kansas City, Missouri. That year was a bad year for winter in the midwest, and we got hit by a blizzard 3 months after we moved in. I had never even SEEN snow before, and seeing a blizzard pretty much freaked me the hell out.

8. Who was your first grade teacher?

I have no idea. But I can tell you the name of my 3rd grade teacher: Mrs. Kennedy. She used to give us jellybeans, when we got an answer correct. It was kind of Pavlovian in design, but seemed to work on us.

9. Where did you go on your first airplane ride?

Kansas City. It wasn't very exciting.

10. When you snuck out of your house for the first time, who was with you?

My buddy, Ray. We were young, and didn't do anything when we did sneak out...it was just the fact that we were outside, when we weren't supposed to be. That made it fun. But in reality, it was pretty boring.

11. Who was your first Best Friend and are you still friends always?

My first Best Friend was Jason, in Texas. When I moved away we lost touch, and I have no idea what he's up to, or where he lives. I don't even remember his last name.

12. Where did you live the first time you moved out of your parents house?

Didn't we already cover this? I lived in a fraternity house on campus at college.

13. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day?

My girlfriend, and then my mistress. Just kidding!! I call my mistress first.

14. Who's wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid or a groomsmen?

Dammit. I hate recalling bad memories...the first time I was a groomsmen, was for my father's marriage to his 3rd wife. I was too young to drink, so I had to suffer the fools sober. Don't get me started on this topic.

15. What is the first thing you do in the morning?

I Wake up. This question is a little lame.

16. What was the first concert you ever went to?

Aerosmith, 1996. We sat 3rd row, center. The seats were awesome, and the show kicked major ass. Yes, I didn't go to my first concert until I was 18....what of it?

17. First tattoo or first piercing?

My first piercing was my ears. My first tattoo was kanji on my right arm. Neither one of them directly contributed to me having sex.

18. First celebrity crush?

Alyssa Milano, from Who's the Boss. And she's still hot today, bitches. Oh, and I've seen her naked before, too. In movies. Aw yea.

19. First crush?

Wow, I can't belive I still remember this, but her name was Sky Purser and it was in 1st grade...she was a brunette and wicked cute. I think we shared crayons once, or something. Sky, if you're out there and you're reading this...I already have a mistress. It would never work between us.

20. First love?

Lame, lame question. I hate stuff like this. I'm not going to answer this..too many people I know read this blog. Instead, I'll just tell you that my first date was with a girl named Brooke and we'll leave it at that.

Hide and Seek!

Can you find Omi in this picture?

What about here?

Or here? Ninja are stealthy, don't forget.

Happy Office Supply Wednesday!

There's a Reason Man Discovered Fire

It has always been my personal belief, that people who eat things raw or semi-raw are completely out of their minds. I have never understood the appeal of taking a piece of meat that is still bloody, briefly putting fire to it...and then shoving it into your mouth. Why is this cool? How can this possibly be considered a culinary positive? It has always seemed to me, that the best way to eat meat is to season it with spices and herbs, cook it, and then eat it. As simple as this would appear to be, apparently there are people out there who believe that the best way to truly appreciate devouring the flesh of another living creature is to do it in the most primitive, primal way possible...tear it off the bone while the heart is still beating. Only then will you truly savor the life force of your prey, and enjoy you meal.

I'm here to say, that I am not one of these people. I was raised in one of those crazy households that likes to cook the food, before we eat it. The only un-cooked food that is even remotely acceptable to me, is cookie dough. Other than that, you'd better stick it in the oven before I'll touch it. Raw meat is lame. So lame, it limps. It limps off your plate, then runs into the garden to heal and recuperate so it can come back and slap you upside the head, for trying to eat it without cooking it, first.

That being said, I went with some friends to a sushi restaurant this weekend. I allowed myself to be persuaded into trying raw fish, on the basis that it was a new experience and potentially happy situation.

It.

Was.

Not.

I fucking hated it. I tried two different pieces of sushi...spicy shrimp and a California roll. Both of them made me fear God. When I popped the first one into my mouth, I actually had a moment in which I debated whether or not to vomit on the table in front of everybody...or simply turn my head and aim for the plant in the corner. The only other time I felt such an overwhelming need for regurgitation was that time I watched Dr. Phil without being high on crystal meth.

I take pride in the fact that I not only chewed and swallowed the whole piece of sushi roll...but I even tried a second bite of another, just to be absolutely positive that I hated the shit out of it. After that crap was done and I had proved to myself and everybody around me that my nuts are of good size, I drank as much plum wine and water as I could to help wash the taste of sea cow out of my mouth.

The taste is still there, though. Yesterday I was having lunch and I could swear I tasted raw spicy shrimp in my hamburger. I'm not crazy...it was in there, I know it. Fucking chef bastards putting sushi into my cow patty.

So, I tried sushi. I hated sushi. I'm never eating sushi again.

Omi Wednesday

That's right, kiddies! Today is Office Supply Wednesday, starring our favorite orange office ninja of small stature himself, Omi!


Omi made it back safe and sound from his journey to explore the rest of the office. He encountered water fountains, toilets, and a certain copy machine who shall remain nameless. I think Omi learned that the best place to find yourself, is in your own backyard. So he returned to the safety of my cubicle to help me once again thwart office evil and help maintain order within the business unit.

Sadly, Omi ran across a package of unmarked pills during his travels. I told him to throw them away; that they were unsafe for little ninjas. Omi didn't listen. Soon he was tripping worse than Barney on meth, and we all know how that turned out.

I spent all day yesterday watching over our little friend; making sure he didn't fall asleep in the copier, or accidentally swallow his sai. Luckily, he passed the day in a harmless psychedelic bliss which can only be described as groovy.

Afterwards, Omi learned the full negative effects of drugs, and he is wiser for it.

I wish they made mini-ninja aspirin...poor Omi.

Oh My God! They killed Chef! You bastards!

So last night I finally got to see the new South Park episode "Return of Chef", and I have to say I thought it was awesome. There were some parts that made me laugh outloud in that raspy, asthmatic way that only truly funny things can.

I was going to do a whole post about the episode, and what I thought of it. Then I realized that I would just be saying the same things that other people have said, and it's not like everybody doesn't already know what's going on, anyway. Chef is gone. Chef is dead. He was set on fire, fell down a cliff, impaled on a stick, chewed on by a mountain lion, and ripped apart by a gorram bear. Chef is no more, children. They fucking killed him in the most bloody, gory way possible. And it was friggin' hilarious.


If you don't know the full story about why Isaac Hayes decided to leave the cast of South Park, you can read a pretty good informative story about it here.

The best part of the episode for me was the way in which they left the door open for Isaac to return as Chef, if he so desired. Yes, children...They have already resurrected Chef, though he's more machine now than man. Twisted and sexually evil. He is Darth Chef!



If you click on the picture of Darth Chef above, you will be directed to a great page with the audio from the Darth Chef episode, along with a great new Darth Chef remix of "Chocolate Salty Balls". Totally worth a look.

.
.
RIP, Chef. We'll miss you.

Musical Maladies

Have you ever wanted to hear a song that you used to love, but is no longer around? Have you ever found yourself searching through closets and used records stores in an attempt to once again hear this song you used to listen to all the time when you were younger? Have you ever found the act of finding said song to be something of a quest? An annoying, frustrating, difficult quest what most often yields negative results, in the end? A quest for musical perfection to quell the urges and memories in your pathetic little brain that leaves you longing?

Well, I'm on such a quest, at this exact moment in time. And it sucks. It sucks donkey balls without a reach-around. It sucks in the face. If I can't find the song I'm looking for soon, I'm pretty sure I'll lose all hope in the internet and it's philosophy of "world wide sharing" and ease of use. Ease of use, my ass. Where's my fucking song?

That song has got to be out there, somewhere. It's ricockulous that I haven't found it, yet. I can't be the only person in the universe who likes this song...somebody out there, had to have uploaded it to a web page, or audio listing. Right?

The closest I've found to what I seek, is some pansy-foo remix that sounds like ass. And when I say "sounds like ass" I am of course referring to the fact that the music resembles a pack of monkeys farting on a microphone in rhythm with each other, along with piano accompaniment.

I will find that gorram song. Oh, yes.

It will be mine.


Bonus Points: +10 Cool Points to the first person to identify the Firefly reference in this post.

OSW on Hold Today

Ok, so I'm not going to make excuses. I'm sick today and I don't feel up to being creative for today's Office Supply Wednesday post. Omi is tired anyway, and I think my camera phone is full at the moment.

Besides, would you really want me to post a lame picture, just to satisfy your Omi addiction? Probably so, but I'm not going to do it, anyway. Just deal with it. Know that I love you, and Omi loves you....but today isn't your day.

Even if I wanted to give you a pic today, I couldn't. Blogger Photo Editor isn't working. The bitches aren't taking care of their server, and if they don't get their act together soon, Omi will have his vengeance.

Oh, yes. Omi doesn't forget.

Anyhoo, sorry 'bout the lack of Omi Supply Wednesday. There's always next week.

Toodles.

Happy Saint Patrick's Day!

Jen went out last night for some sort of Irish dinner celebration.
Jen drank at the Irish dinner celebration.
Jen woke up feeling hungover today.

I gave her no sympathy.

Drinking the night before Saint Patrick's Day is like...eating a huge meal before you sit down to Thanksgiving dinner.

It's not smart.

I'm sure this goes without saying, but everybody be safe today/tonight. Remember, only idiots drive while drunk...and always wear a condom.

Unless you're masturbating. Then it's ok not to.

Office Supply Wednesday

Omi recently fell into the mix with the nearby copy/fax machine combo monster unit. I was able to capture a few shots, unnoticed by our hero:


Here you can see that Omi the Orange Office Ninja has encountered the strange goliath copier/fax combo machine. In an effort to press his dominance over all things office supply, Omi attempts to reason with the plastic beast.


Oh, no! The copier/fax machine fights back! Here you can see Omi in a desperate situation...


Yikes! The green laser beams of death have begun to scan our hero! What diabolical scheme has this Xerox beast hatched for Omi?


This means war!

Happy Friday!

Today's smile brought to you by Foamy the Squirrel : If you've ever had to call Tech Support before, you can relate to this:

Here are the other two Tech Support cartoons, if you'd like to check them out. My favorite is Tech Support #1...cracks me up, every single time I watch it. Enjoy!

Tech Support #2

Tech Support #1

Omi Supply Wednesday!

Happy OSW!

Welcome to the Adventures of Omi the Office Ninja! I have managed to aquire some of Omi's diary from his travels...take a look to see what our favorite little orange assasin has been up to recently!

.
* * *

Omi's Log: Day 1

I have successfully escaped the sparsely decorated confines of my rectangular prison. The process was difficult, but in the end I was able to break away and make a dash for the next cell, where I hoped my presence would go unnoticed until such time as my captors ceased their pursuit. My cell-mate, a very handsome and intelligent warrior, facilitated my release with a well-timed distraction. His very descriptive story about group sex and fermented hops was enough to keep the other prisoners busy while I searched for clues as to my whereabouts in this brightly lit, yet stale smelling new environment. If I am lucky, tomorrow I will attempt to traverse the green carpeted marshes and arrive at the local watering hole. May the mighty oracle Dell protect me, on my quest.
-Omi


Omi's Log: Day 3

Today's questing has yielded positive results! I have successfully discovered the location of the local watering hole. It is a very shiny, smooth place with running springs and strange holes in the ground. After extensive study, I have determined that the springs use these holes to evacuate the excess water around the shiny watering hole area, in order to keep the basin from overflowing. I find this engineering feat to be genius, and hope to find further evidence of technological marvels throughout the course of my journey. May the mighty oracle of Dell protect me.
-Omi


Omi's Log: Day 5

So far, my quest of discovery has been fruitful and enlightening. Yesterday, I was in the process of determining the proper function of the mysterious machine of brown hot liquid. After careful review and many hours of observation, it has become apparent that the machine serves as some sort of drinking receptacle for the workers here. The liquid seems to give them vitality and stamina, which I can only assume makes them more productive drones. I attempted to sample some of this "Cough Eee" as the workers called it, however I was unable to drink. The Cough-Eee was too hot, and I began to feel my face burn as I tried. While I was leaving the Cough-Eee area, I heard a worker approach! Quickly, I dove into a nearby bushel of pink pillows, hoping to use my ninja skills of stealth and concealment to my advantage. I'm happy to report that the worker did not notice me, and I was able to continue my travels unabated. Tomorrow I will head towards a source of light I have noticed at the end of the hallway of the green carpet marshes. May the mighty oracle protect me.
-Omi

Omi's Log: Day 7

This new world has proven to be much larger than I anticipated. Today I stumbled across a strange, transparent wall which impeded my journey and restricted me from traveling any further in that direction. As I gazed through the mysterious portal, I saw beyond it a world full of wondrous things and places. It is my hope, that someday I shall step foot into this new world and learn all that there is to learn...and complete my journey of enlightenment.
-Omi


Omi's Log: Day 8

The workers here are better taken care of, than I originally expected. Today I discovered a cave of water machines and mighty springs of joy. These tall architectural wonders stretched far and wide, and I admit I found myself excited to bathe myself in all of the waters that were offered to me. I desired to sample all of the springs, hoping for some sort of magical result or perhaps a blessing from Dell for my successful pilgrimage. Alas, I did not receive a magical blessing, but at one point I did manage to obtain a generous helping of a slimy, sweet smelling substance which poured from a shiny metal spout above my head. When combined with the water of the spring, it produced a wondrous mixture which can only be described as heavy air globules of semi-wet wonderment.

After playing for hours in these sweet-smelling pillows of fun, I headed towards one of the larger water altars. I have dubbed these devices the "Whoosh-Gurglers" because of the strange noise that they create. At times, the water in the lake of these large water altars does not move. At other times, it makes a strange noise and then disappears from view...sucked down into a vortex of darkness. After the water recedes, it then bubbles itself back up, like the springs of old my grandfather told me about. I'm not sure what purpose these serve, and so until I am convinced of their use, I shall remain here studying them. Many ninja would feel threatened by such a long, arduous task of observation. I, however, am not at all worried. These strange altars hold plenty of drinking water, and I have created a new game in which I attempt to guess the amount of time that will elapse in between each water disappearance. The answer will not elude me for long. Until then, may the Dell oracle enlighten me.
-Omi

* * *

.
Don't miss next week's exciting episode of The Adventures of Omi the Office Ninja, when Omi confronts the strange monster of replication!

...and the winner is: a big fat chainsaw to your head!

Let's get this out in the open, right now. I don't want there to be any confusion on this matter, nor do I wish for anybody to walk away from their computer without knowing my belief in regards to one of the things in this world that actually causes me pain, from all of the rage that builds up within my body when I think about it. I fucking hate award shows.

Last night, I'm sure a great many of you turned your attentions towards The Oscars with hopes of wardrobe malfunctions and the wackiness that ensues when uber important mega-rich movie gods honor us with their presence for a few hours while they take the opportunity to pat each other on the backs and remind us of how cool they are. I'm sure there were some great non-improvised cheesy one-liners and a whole plethora of "shouts out to God" in-between the skits and musical numbers that helped draw attention away from the recently washed-up actor in the second hour of his drug-induced coma. I'm sure it was peachy.

It's just...not my thing. And that is the nicest way I can put that, without offending the whole damn world.

Award shows bug the ever-loving shit out of me, and that is no joke. At one point while flipping channels last night, I accidentally caught about 10 seconds of the announcer saying something movie related during the Oscars, and it actually made my liver scrunch up and die. I have to go downtown to the black market and pick a new one up, this afternoon. Ohhh that reminds me, I also need some paperclips...

Anyhoo, since I hate award shows more than I hate being kicked in the nuts by a pissed off donkey, I spent most of last night watching Dog The Bounty Hunter reruns while my girlfriend licked my nipples and moaned like a porn star. I tried to get her to invite another girl over for some anti-awards show group bunny protest sex...but alas, we couldn't find anybody who wasn't watching the damn Oscars.

Unlike my victory over Reality TV, I know with this one I'm fighting a losing battle...I know that most people enjoy watching award shows, and there is no end in sight to the madness. I know that people anxiously awaiting to hear who the pre-determined winner for Best Actor or Best Film are numerous, and cannot be stopped. I know that for whatever reason, award shows entertain most of you...and I respect that.

I just fucking hate them. I hate the Oscars, worst of all. The arrogance and pretentiousness of the whole thing makes my butt itch. I'm actually thankful that I haven't heard people talking about The Oscars yet, here at work. I think that might actually push me over the edge.

I hate award shows, and I hate the hype that surrounds them, and I hate the news articles and summations you find online about them the next day. I hate the whole fucking process, and everything that it entails.

Oh, by the way...who won for best actor?

Office Supply Wednesday

Omi's Journey of Discovery: Part 1


Omi has recently taken up a quest. His quest involves traveling to a far away cubicle to do battle with an evil office supply. I don't have many details at this point...all I know, is that he decided to leave and there was nothing I could do to stop him. Sometimes, the way of the warrior is hard to understand.

.


I begged Omi to stay here, where he was safe. Without a word, he turned and headed towards the edge of the desk. I noticed there was a look of sadness in his eyes...but his resolve was stone.


Staring out over the edge of the void, Omi steadied himself, preparing his body and soul for the battle he must fight. A true warrior must always be prepared for new challenges.


He made it! After making his way down to the floor, Omi began his trek to the unknown world of Cubicles. What lay beyond his safety cube? What dangers exist beyond these walls? We can only guess.

.

The voyage of Omi the Office Ninja has begun.

Which Would You Rather Fight?

.

A robot?

.

Or a zombie?

Be sure to explain your answer.

Don Knotts: Memories of Bumbling

One of my favorite comedic actors from childhood has passed away, and it's put me into a very somber mood. Don Knotts died this weekend at the age of 81, and there's not much more to say about that part of it.

I'm not going to attempt to write an obituary, or to sum up his career in the appropriate alloted time. I'm not that type of writer. I consider myself to be a comedic writer, and so the best way I can think of to pay my respects to Don would be to focus on how he was able to make me laugh.

-The Andy Griffith Show (1960-68)

We've all seen this show, at least once. This black and white 60's show about a perfect town where nobody swears, sins, or has group sex capivated audiences for years, with one of the best known characters being the bumbling deputy Barney Fife, played by Don Knotts. This show helped Don achieve fame, and it is probably his most well-known role. I'm sure he'll be remembered most from here.

-The Incredible Mr. Limpet (1964)

You might not have seen this movie, but I did and I loved it. It's a movie about a guy who turns into a fish and works for the Navy to help out submarines. Not just a fish, mind you...a cartoon fish. He was the first overly patriotic cartoon fish working for the Navy ever, and that's saying something.

-The Ghost and Mr. Chicken (1966)

One of my favorites. I used to watch this movie all of the time...it was scary and funny and even a little bit sexy. In my opinion, this was one of Don Knotts' best performances. Every scene cracked me up, and I can remember the movie like I just watched it yesterday. It's a movie about a nice quiet town with a dark past: A haunted house where a murder occured. Don Knotts (Mr. Chicken) is a wannabe journalist who is desperate to make his big break. He's so desperate, in fact, that he takes a dare to spend one night in the haunted house and report back to his editor. He takes the job and wackiness ensues. Nobody has ever made me laugh so hard from being so scared. Classic stuff, this movie. Check it out sometime.

-The Shakiest Gun in the West (1968)

Another movie you might not have seen...Don plays a dentist heading west to help "fight oral ignorance". Along the way, he meets up with a gun-weilding bad girl on a mission from the government to stop a bunch of....you know, nevermind. The plot isn't imporant. Just know that Don Knotts is funny, and he's the best dentist-turned-gunfighter around. Another great movie that makes me smile to think of.

-The Apple Dumpling Gang (1975)

Ok, if you haven't seen this movie, there is no comedic hope for you. I grew up watching this movie at least once per week for 27 years. Ok, maybe not that long...but a long time. I loved this movie, and I loved the characters that Don Knotts and Tim Conway played. This comedic duo of belly laughing fun played Amos and Theodore...a couple of would-be thieves with enough brains each to fill a tablespoon. Every single plan they attempted failed miserably, and yet they kept trying. Watching them together made for great entertainment and chuckles galore. Sers'ly, go see this movie. If you don't laugh at least once I'll pay you a dollar.

Ok, that's not true. I don't have any money. But it's still a funny movie and you should see it.

-Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo (1977)

We all know the Herbie movies...we all watched them. This one wasn't the best one I've ever seen, but it was a good one nonetheless. Don plays the (you guessed it) bumbling mechanic for Herbie and hilarity ensued. The movie was ok...but Don was funny as always.

-The Private Eyes (1978)

Ah, the year of my birth. This movie is another one that I bet you've never seen or even heard of. That's a damn shame, really. This movie teamed up Don with Tim Conway yet again. This time they are a pair of incompetent and funny Private Detectives working a case of murder in a rich, scary mansion setting. There's lots of hilarious and sometimes scary moments to keep you entertained. I personally loved this movie and watched it often...so often, I still remember certain scenes and quotes from it. Bow down, bitches.

-Three's Company (1979)

Ah, who can forget the television show that proved that a man can live with two sexy women and not have any group bunny. I didn't think this was possible, but apparantly nobody was having sex in the late 70's. I'm sorry, but if I lived with 2 hot girls there is no way that I wouldn't get a little sandwhich action going within the first month of living there...let alone 7 friggin' years.

But I digress. Don Knotts jumped back into television with his role as Mr. Furley, the landlord with swinger spunk who popped in and made things funny whenever he could. He was WAY better than that other couple who used to play the landlords...way better. Don't you agree? Yes you do. Now go bake me muffins.

.

Well, that's it. That's my little "Ode to Don Knotts" rememberance post. As you can see, I was a big fan and I'm quite upset that he has passed on and left us. But, just thinking about all of these movies has put a smile on my face...and I'm sure that's what he would have preferred.

We'll miss you, Don. Keep up with the funny wherever you are.

.

Don Knotts 1924-2006

.

See some CNN video clips of Don Knotts here