Costume Lameness

Should I wear fake blood on my face? Do these pants look like something a necromancer would wear? Are we going to have metal swords, or just those wooden ones like last time? Why is Amanda making out with that goblin in the corner? Doesn’t she know that he’s here with the pink fairy over by the cheese cubes? Besides, everybody knows that goblins and elves hate each other…

Yes, kiddies. It’s almost that time of year again. The Eve of All Hallows…the day before…um…the Hallows. The time of costumes, mass amounts of candy consumption, and a burning desire to look at your fellow peers and friends in a very sexy new light. It’s the one day of the year, when even the geekiest girl among us can roam the streets dressed like complete whore without fear of imprisonment or ridicule. Halloween is the day when we all allow ourselves to succumb to some of those darker impulses, and find comfort in the darkness. On this day, we do not shy away from those things that scare us…we embrace them.

The most important aspect of this day is the ritualistic yet necessary custom of dressing up in costumes. We wear outfits/masks/makeup in an attempt to be as scary/sexy/funny as we can be in the name of good fun and holiday cheer. The ancient custom of wearing masks dates back from when people believed that All Hallows Eve was the night when the demons and evil creatures would walk among us, in search of….candy, apparently. These roaming candy demons would devour any humans they came across, and so people would wear scary masks to pass as just another evil being in search of chocolate goodness. Kind of like gargoyles, except without the statues and high buildings. The tradition of dressing up in costumes started out as a superstitious tactic to avoid the undead. Today, it’s usually just an excuse to see that girl in accounting dress up in a sexy French maid outfit.

Even though Halloween is a good month or so away, I’m trying very hard this year to be prepared. I was a Boy Scout, after all and that was our motto: be prepared. So this year, instead of coming up with a lame costume idea at the last minute ("this is my costume…serial killers look like everybody else!"), I’ve decided that this year I’m going to put some thought into it.

So, while I was online today looking at costume ideas and online costume shops, I noticed something that had never really occurred to me, before. Halloween costumes are designed with hot girls in mind, and hot girls only. I mean, there were TONS of costumes out there for the ladies, and they all involved the showing of legs, the breasts, or both. Of course, that doesn’t bother me too much…it’s just the fact that all of the men’s costumes definitely stood on the side of suck. Like I want to dress up like a giant slice of pizza? Please.

There were sexy vampire outfits complete with mesh stockings and long, jet black wigs and pearly white teeth for the ladies…and a puffy white shirt with a gay cape for the men. Grrr….argh!

There were sexy nurse outfits, sexy French maid outfits…even a SEXY NUN outfit, for crissake! Women have about 1,001 cool costume possibilities, all of which make them sexier and more desirable than they were before. What do the men have to choose from? A purple-cloaked wizard costume complete with a long white beard and pointy elf shoes, or an adult size Harry Potter costume.

Sexy.

The men’s costumes are always lame. Prisoner costumes…black and white striped pajamas with a cute little bell-boy hat and maybe a ball-and-chain accessory for some “realism”. Vampire costumes that make us look…well, gay. Couple costumes that make us look retarded and lame like Raggedy Ann and Andy outfits. I even saw a full-sized Spiderman costume. Now, come on!! I like Spiderman as much as the next dork, but I’m not about to dress up like the fucker on Halloween. "My spidey-sense is tingling! It's telling me I'm not going to get laid tonight." Seriously, what chance do men have with the ladies when they look retarded?

“Dude! Look at Jessica in that outfit! Her boobs look great and she’s so hot!”
“Yeah, man. Totally. I would go talk to her, but this giant Yoda head makes my voice sound funny. You go talk to her, man.”
“I can’t…I’m afraid this Garfield outfit makes me look fat.”

Lame. It’s my mission this year to wear an outfit that doesn’t make me look like a complete and total loser. Hopefully I can come up with something that will allow me to do the nasty with a sexy bar wench or Renaissance chick, instead of sitting at home in my X-Men outfit using my new mutant abilities to change the channel on the TV.





Any cool costume ideas this year? Post a comment and tell us about it.