Dust-Slaying: Redux

I'm not QUITE dead yet

2008-06-12T00:02:00.003-05:00

I'm not dead yet.

I promise.

I took a job in Chicago and I haven't blogged in like, forever.

I know you all hate me. Nobody is reading this, I know it. But JUST IN CASE somebody does read it, know that I love you.

Here is a link to my WIX page so you can see that I'm alive and well.

My Chicago Page

Hugs and kisses on all your pink parts.

Shanshu

Do You Like Scary Movies?

2007-10-30T09:05:00.000-05:00

Here is a quick list of some of my favorite scary movies, in honor of Halloween tomorrow. These aren't really in a particular order....just as they come to me.

Alien
Silence of the Lambs
Child's Play
The Blair Witch Project
Signs
Jaws
Scream
Dawn of the Dead (2004)
Demon Knight
1408

Teamwork

2007-10-29T15:46:00.001-05:00

Bullshit Election '08

2007-10-25T11:33:00.000-05:00

This is the funniest thing The Onion has ever done. If you're like me, and you HATE election time...this video is for you.

Poll: Bullshit Is Most Important Issue For 2008 Voters

Watch out for Bullshit in 2008. Taken from The Onion with (I hope) permission, since they included an embedded link to it. I'm just doing this to cover my own ass in case they get pissed at me and shut down my blog and then the 6 people who read it will be disappointed.

General Tsao's Moon Chicken

2007-10-24T08:33:00.000-05:00

China launched its very own lunar probe today. This marks the beginning of a new ten year plan to get China on the mood and begin colonization prodcedures. Ok, I made up the colony part. But seriously, the country with a population of 1,321,851,888 people (which is roughly 20% of the total world population) is setting their sights on the moon.

I bet they have plans to start making houses up there. After all, they are totally running out of room on Earth....aren't they? With that many people I would think they would be searching anywhere to put up new housing. The moon makes the most sense, in the long term. Talk about freedom! Sure, the 'no oxygen and water' thing might become a hiccup, but I'm sure they'll figure something out.

Kudos, China.

Dumbledore is gay

2007-10-22T09:10:00.000-05:00

Not quite the title header you would expect, I know. I didn't expect to read about this, today. I was just sitting here drinking my tea and postponing the inevitable work boredom when lo and behold, a gem catches my eye: JK Rowling has stated that Albus Dumbledore is not only one of the greatest wizards of the series, but he's also gay.

Dumbledore is gay

Ok, most of the time I could predict where JK was going with the story and plot...it's hard to confuse me and even harder to surprise me. But this...I did not see coming. Kudos to JK for this last minute post-wrapup character plot twist.

Ask Shanshu: Today's Music

2007-10-19T11:15:00.000-05:00

Shanshu,
Why is it that today's singers almost always sound like shit in real life? I just listened to Rhianna live on TV, and she can't even carry a tune.
-Annoyed With Today’s Music

Dear Annoyed,

Popular music is changing. Most performers today are products of synthesizers, acoustic technology, bass, trim, audio manipulation....it's more digital than anything else. They are simply whored-out performers now; manufactured automatons created by the record industry and studios like Disney in order to maximize profits and increase shareholder wealth. They are created for, and paid to, entertain. Very few have any actual talent. The same thing can be said for that hooker on the corner.

Look at people like Paris fucking Hilton. Her song was actually on the charts for a bit. Is she a musical talent? Hell no. Does she come across to you as a musical prodigy? No, she can't even spell that. So why was her song popular, even for thirty seconds? The answer is, her "music", along with her "acting" and her smelly “perfume” foulness, was manufactured in a lab...nothing more.

The same can be said for Lindsey boobage Lohan. Her “song” was nothing more than backbeats, sound effects, and audio backup. Remember when she got caught lip syncing? Ask her to sing you “Happy Birthday” and you’ll end up ripping your own ears off to avoid the shrill shrieks that emanate from her throat. Quite frankly, I am not interested in what’s coming out of her throat, rather than what’s going into it.

Studios can make anybody sound good, with the right equipment and editing. Most of the time when we hear these performers in real life, we are shocked at how lame they really are without a studio and 116 takes to get it perfect.

Most music today is lame, in that regard. There are some performers who I feel are very talented, and I enjoy listening to them. Most of time though, it’s nothing more than a load of audio smoke and mirrors to cover up a blatant lack of talent in an attempt to make more money for the studios and the entertainment producers.

Have a question for Shanshu? Send it here: shanshu311@yahoo.com

USB: Useable Sweet Batteries

2007-10-17T08:27:00.001-05:00

So this is the coolest thing this week. Well, maybe just the coolest thing today.

Talk about handy...they now have rechargable USB batteries. No more of that antiquated "old school" power outlet crap. No, sir. Just plug into the closest USB port and in 4 hours you are up and running.

usbcell battery

When I Grow Up...

2007-10-11T13:46:00.000-05:00

Apparently, I Should Fall Down More

2007-10-09T09:52:00.001-05:00

According to a few of my friends, I'm a complete idiot. They assume that I walk around all day with a bucket on my head, bumping into things and getting into trouble by drinking the stuff under the sink.

I'm not sure why I've been branded as a moron by some of these people. You would think, since they know me and supposedly respect and like me, that they would not assume I ride the short bus to work on a daily basis, or punch my own face when I hear a loud noise.

But that is not the case. They assume I am so stupid, I can't spell my own name.

I'm always the one who gets the "let me explain this to you" speech. I never ask to be schooled in the ways of things, but somehow I must put off an air of "please teach me" because everybody seems to think I require this. I don't mind learning new things, of course. But it starts to get annoying when people try to "teach" me things I've already learned. It gets uber-annoying, when it's something that I would consider common sense.

"Shanshu, ASAP is an acronym for "As Soon As Possible." I bet you didn't know that, so I'm telling you."

"Hey, Shan....don't forget the meeting is at 8:00am. That's in the morning."

Me: That new game for the Xbox looks fun.
Ted: You don't have an Xbox, you have a Playstation. You can't play that game.
Me: Um....I know that.
Ted: Oh. I assumed you didn't.

Maybe it's a guy thing. You know, one of those penis things that makes guys want to prove each other wrong and make the other one feel like crap, just to feel superior and glorious in victory? Since we can no longer battle for dominance or hunt our own food, we feel the need to conquer women and hit each other with metaphoric clubs to show we are the dominant males of the circle?

I'm not sure what the answer is. Perhaps there isn't one. Or perhaps, I'm just too stupid to see it.

Math and Sex

2007-10-04T15:22:00.001-05:00

(((500-312)/2)-38)/8

That's the number of times I looked at porn yesterday.

The Britney Trainwreck Continues

2007-10-01T16:21:00.001-05:00

It's like watching your friend puke all over themselves at a party. You don't want to look, and it disturbs your stomach and makes you want to look away...but you can't help but laugh at the same time.

Other people's pain is funny. Especially when it's an annoying, trashy, burn out like Britney fucking Spears. I just can't give her or Paris Hilton enough shit.

Apparently, Britney has lost custody of her children to the somewhat lesser of two evils, Kevin Federline. I suppose he's watching Blue's Clues with them as we speak and NOT doing drugs or forgetting to shower.

I'm glad the courts think they have the children's best interest in mind, and NOT a bullshit teenage desire to be on TV or in the media spotlight. I'm sure that it makes more sense to have the kids be with the out of work, trashy broke guy as opposed to the almost-out of work, trashy rich girl. I'm sure there's a fly in that logic ointment, somewhere.

I mean, seriously. How bad of a parent are you, when a judge decides that fucking K-Fed would be a better role model and parental unit to your children? Time to self-evaluate, I'm thinking.

Rock on, Britney. Your plan to reduce yourself to Miss Dairy Queen Employee of the Month 2009 is well under way. Be sure to eat more ice cream and forget your manners. Oh, and start practicing wearing paper hats along with your fake hair. They can be tricky.

In other, more important news:

Flower, the lovable matriarch in the hit show "Meerkat Manor" has recently passed away. Details are sketchy at this point, but what we do know is that Flower has proven herself to be a better mother than Britney Spears.

Navy: Accelerate Your Nazi

2007-09-26T15:22:00.000-05:00

So...the US Naval base in Coronado, known for SEAL training and other amphibious base operations has recently come under ze fire, mein readers. Apparently, the layout of one of the barracks was not thought through fully by our Navy architects. In fact, it appears as if it wasn't thought out, period.

You know why? Well, it's because the fucking buildings are arranged in the shape of a Swastika. I shit you not:

See the Google Map of Coronado here
CNN video report here

Good job, Navy. You have officially made our military look stupid. How on earth did nobody look at these blueprints....do a double-take....and say, "You know what, Sergeant? This barracks design looks like.....um....well, it resembles....shit, it's a fucking Swastika!! Perhaps we should change it?"

Good planning.

Days of the Week: A Study

2007-09-25T13:04:00.000-05:00

Monday: Most of us hate Mondays since it's the start of a new work week, and the end of the weekend. I hate Mondays for the above reasons, but also because Monday nights I have study group. Study group is mandatory for the business program that I'm in, and while I enjoy my study group members, I don't like meeting every week to go over homework and do our stupid group projects that are constantly due. It's tedious and it takes up too much of my precious time. When I get off work, I have nothing to look forward to.

Tuesday: I like Tuesdays. It's the day after Monday, and for some reason that seems to make it a bit brighter. It's still too early in the week to get excited about anything relating to the weekend, but it's not Monday and that is saying something.

Wednesday: Hump day. I fucking hate it. I have class on Wednesday nights. That means from the moment I get off work until almost 10:00pm I am busy doing school stuff. Dinners are always rushed and lame, classroom boredom reigns. Wednesdays can suck my dick and choke on it.

Thursday: Woo! Thursdays are fun. It's the only day during the week that I have nothing to do, whatsoever. No class, no homework, no study group, no chores, errands, or engagements. It's my lazy night and I love it. Sometimes, I'm so happy for Thursday to be here, I pretend it's Friday already and get with the partying and the relaxing.

Friday: Everybody loves Friday. No need to get too much into it....it's a given. We all love Friday. Kisses for all.

Saturday: Love this day, too. It's usually my chore and errands day. You know, car wash, grocery store, bank, post office, etc. Stuff like that. I try to do them in the morning, so I have plenty of time for relaxing and fun. Saturday nights are usually a party night and going out to eat. Fun fun fun.

Sunday: Sundays are a bit tricky. On the one hand, it's a weekend day and that makes it great. Plus, it's God's day so that's important. But on the other hand...it's the day before Monday, and Monday sucks so hard that it bleeds over into Sunday. It's the anticipation of Monday that makes Sunday suck, sometimes. I'm not sure how I feel about Sundays, to be honest. I'm on the proverbial fence on this one.

Caption Contest

2007-09-21T14:17:00.001-05:00

Give me your best captions! Post them in the comments.

Examples:

"Sometimes you just don't feel like working anymore."

"Never be afraid to be different."

Random Movie Quotes

2007-09-20T09:31:00.000-05:00

"Witches in days gone by were roasted just like my Vienna sausage."

"Why Ike...whatever do you mean? Maybe poker's just not your game, Ike. I know! Let's have a spelling contest!"

"I don't know why they call this stuff 'Hamburger Helper'. It does just fine by itself."

"And shepherds we shall be, for Thee my Lord, for Thee. Power hath descended forth from Thy hand, that our feet might swiftly carry out Thy command, and we will flow a river forth to Thee, and teaming with souls shall it ever be. In nomine Patri, et Fili, et Spiritus Sancti."

"Wow, I didn't know we'd become such good friends. Because if we had, you'd know that I give head before I give favors and I don't even give my best friends head. So your chances of getting a favor right now are pretty fucking slim."

"Do you know what "nemesis" means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an 'orrible cunt... me."

"I'll tell you what I'm doing. I want to buy eight hot dogs and eight hot dog buns to go with them. But no one sells eight hot dog buns. They only sell twelve hot dog buns. So I end up paying for four buns I don't need. So I am removing the superfluous buns."

"Wrong. Your ears you keep and I'll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, "Dear God! What is that thing?" will echo in your perfect ears. That is what 'to the pain means'. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever."

"Celibate? I think...I mean, that sounds gay- I just want you to know this is like, the first conversation of like three conversations that leads to you being gay. Like... there's this, and then in a year it's like, "Oh you know, I kinda wanna get back out there, but I think I like guys" and then there's the big, "Oh I'm I'm a gay guy now"."

"Yeah, let me guess something. This is your first visit to La-La-Land. You're staying somewhere in Hollywood because like an idiot you thought that would be an exciting place to stay. Am I right so far? I knew it. Somehow you get on a bus and before you know it you're stuck in the San Fernando Valley without a clue, which brings us to here. Correct again? Where are you staying....The Holiday Inn?"

"I have eight different bosses right now. So that means that when I make a mistake, I have eight different people coming by to tell me about it. That's my only real motivation; is not to be hassled. That, and the fear of losing my job. But you know, Bob...that will only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired."

"The space goes down, down baby, down, down the roller coaster. Sweet, sweet baby, sweet, sweet, don't let me go. Shimmy, shimmy, cocoa pop. Shimmy, shimmy, rock. Shimmy, shimmy, cocoa pop. Shimmy, shimmy, rock. I met a girlfriend - a triscuit. She said, a triscuit - a biscuit. Ice cream, soda pop, vanilla on the top. Ooh, Shelly's out, walking down the street, ten times a week. I read it. I said it. I stole my momma's credit. I'm cool. I'm hot. Sock me in the stomach three more times."

"I'm talking about firing a little black midget. A small, colored, African-American small person. That's what I'm talking about! I'm talking about your face all over goddamn USA Today, that's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about 150 of these little motherfuckers all over the sidewalk out there. Holding picket signs and using bullhorns and shit like that!! Screaming and hollering your name out. Unfair practices, get me?"

"Napoleon, don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter."

Whoa! Look out! This post is so not linear!

2007-09-18T08:28:00.000-05:00

The radio in my car is really effing cool. It has a feature when you slow down the car, the volume lowers. It only does it when you're going fast (like on the highway) and then you stop, then you notice the volume lowers. It comes in handy. Today on the way to work I also noticed that it does a sort of "fade out" effect when you are using the "Scan" feature to surf through different radio stations. Way cool. If I could, I've give my car radio a cookie.

I've started going to the gym in the mornings, instead of after work. So far I like it because after work I can go home and relax without feeling fat or lazy. It's also fun to show up to work peppy and fully awake. Although I've noticed that I have less energy and it's easier to get tired, so today I ate a hardboiled egg before I went to the gym and that seemed to solve the problem. I'm worried about this solution, though. I can't eat an egg every morning...I'll die of cholesterol by the time I'm 40. I need an alternate solution.

Yesterday a friend and I were doing a quick 80's flashback. One of the things we brought up was old video games. Since I saw that Howard the Duck was on cable yesterday, that reminded me of the Howard the Duck video game I had for my Commodore 64 computer. I told her about it, and she actually found screenshots!! Bless her.

OJ Simpson is retarded. He really needs to be watched closely in a room with padded walls and spend all of his time knitting blankets and eating the soft foods because he's fucking crazy.

Did you know that the Dow Jones Industrial Average is not actually an average? That'll fuck with your head for about 10 seconds, I bet.

Speaking of things I don't give too much of a shit about, my study group spent some time last night trying to figure out Standard Deviation for our Statistics class. The book we have is lame, and confusing. Finally I went online and found the answer and it was much easier. Apparently, my textbook for class is as cool as OJ.

The girl on the treadmill next to me this morning ran for at least 36 minutes. After that, I did weights and saw her later on still going, only she was walking this time. She might have been on that damn thing for an hour, for all I know. It was very impressive.

Here's another Far Side cartoon for your viewing pleasure:

Why is it, when people say "It happened for the best" or "everything happens for a reason" it's always after something bad happens?

This is officially the worst cartoon I've ever seen. Seriously, it made my head hurt. In fact...I have rage issues right now, I hate it so much:

Who thinks OJ is crazy? Show of hands?

A friend sent me this picture today, and I had to steal it and post it:

Half-Hearted

2007-09-13T13:17:00.000-05:00

It was my hope to post something entertaining yet well thought today. One of those posts that makes you stop and consider my words on a deeper level than just the surface layer of poetic and literary dribble that spews forth whenever I go on a rant or tangent. Alas, today I have nothing worth blogging about.

I could find other ways to amuse you. I could recall a humorous event from recent memory or spin you a web of fiction with enough structure and support to keep you interested until the very end.

I don't think I have it in me today. I feel very lazy and un-creative and can't think of anything to say that would be worth your time, or mine.

So instead, I offer a question to entertain and enlighten:

Would you rather live during the ascendancy of a civilization, or during its decline?

Fornication

2007-09-10T08:46:00.000-05:00

A Random Memory From My Childhood

My friend Ray and I were walking to the store since we didn't have anything else to do and it was summer, and we were bored. So while we were walking and talking, we started talking about "the sex". Now, I don't remember exactly how old I was, but I think it was around 12 or 13.

We were talking about the dirty stuff and trying to show each other up with our mature knowledge of the subject matter. Since we weren't old enough to actually have sex yet, the next best thing was to pretend like we knew a lot of stuff.

So it was still a competition, in a very adolescent "I've never kissed a girl" kind of way. At one point, we decided to start switching gears from stuff we knew about, to stuff we had actually done. This was particularly humorous since we hadn't done anything at that point, unless you count the movies we had seen with the random side boob showing, or the older kids who had claimed to do everything under the sun, with every girl in school...twice.

Regardless, we continued revealing our sexual experiences back and forth, neither one gaining much ground and the claims becomming greatly far-fetched. At one point, I was attempting to make Ray believe I had felt up a girl who was in school to be a nun because she wanted to know what it was like to have a boy touch her before she took her "pre-vow" Vows.

Yeah. That's how 12 year old Shanshu rolls. He goes after the make-believe pre-nun girls.

Ray decided to lob one back over the fence to me, and it was a doozy. He claimed that he had been fornicated in the restroom at school last week. I stopped in my tracks and turned to him, dumbfounded. Fornicated? What the heck did that mean?

I tried to play it cool, but that didn't last very long and soon I was discovered.

"You don't know what fornicated means, do you??" Ray laughed as he looked at me. I continued to stare at him, debating my choices. I decided to take the high ground, and informed him that I had never in fact, heard of this term before. He laughed again and told me he would explain.

He then proceeded to tell me that when a girl "fornicates you" she rubs your 'thing' back and forth and up and down until it gets hard. Then she stops and you've officially been "fornicated".

...

I told him that sounded painful. He nodded and said, "Yeah it hurt a little bit but you know, you get used to it and it's cool that she's doing it". I stared at him again and asked, "Well...why does she do that, anyway? What's the point?"

He looked at me and said, "Dumbass! It's supposed to get you off!"

"What does that mean?"

"It means...you get off, that's all."

"But what does it mean?"

"You get off when you pee on her hand. I didn't get off that day because I didn't have to go."

"Huh. That sounds stupid."

"Well, you're just too young to get it, yet."

"What? You're only 4 months older, dorkhead!"

"Well, you'll see what I mean in 4 months, then."

For a couple of years afterwards, I was completely convinced that a handjob was the same thing as "being fornicated" by a girl. Needless to say, when I was in health class and the teacher was asking us to explain what different sexual terms meant...I was SLIGHTLY embarassed when I piped up with my brilliant explanation of what it means when a girl "fornicates" you in the bathroom.

Fuck you, Ray. You made me look stupid. Thanks for nothing.

Getting Ridiculous

2007-09-05T09:32:00.000-05:00

This is so lame.

I now have two....count them....two Blackberries on my desk. One is my personal handheld, and the other one is for work.

WHY do I have two, you ask? That's easy. Lemme 'splain:

I used to work for Sprint, who offers free mobile service to all employees. It was a pretty sweet deal and I enjoyed it. Because it was free, I loaded myself up with all the fun stuff. I bought a Blackberry 8703 with text, email, internet, instant messaging, and even threw in some GPS action.

Then I left Sprint. My employee discount went with it, and for the first time in years, I was forced to pay for mobile service like the rest of the world.

Fuck.

I had no idea how expensive all the shit I had on my phone was. Blackberry service turned out to be an additional $40 per month. This sucks because the Blackberry service isn't on a work account...so I would have to pay for it. Screw that. It's not worth $40 per month for me to have the ability to IM people and send emails from the car.

Then my work told me they would set me up with Blackberry service. I said ok and then went about my business. Yesterday they dropped off a new Blackberry 8700 through T-mobile to my desk, already activated for me.

Fuck?

So now I have TWO Blackberries...the same model and everything. One for work, and one for....um...my personal use? Lame. I should probably get rid of my Blackberry and buy a new cool handset and leave the work Blackberry for emails and IM's and all of that fun stuff.

For now I look like Batman, complete with the Blackberry utility belt. I just need a cape, and then I can get my ass kicked at the corner market by teenagers.

Sigh. Sometimes things are too complicated.

Spider War

2007-08-29T15:25:00.000-05:00

War.

It was to be war between us from the moment he crossed the threshold into my home. My sanctuary; my place of rest away from the cold cruelty of the world and the harsh light of day. It is my place of Zen and thus cannot be defiled by any creature that is not welcome. There is a balance between the world outside and the calmness within. This stranger chose to ignore the balance and invade my territory. So it was to be war between us, then.

So be it.

I quickly made my way to the laundry room to grab my weapon and extinguish my foe. I wrapped my hand around the cool, aluminum handle and pulled the dusty broom from its place of rest next to the washing machine. Thoughts of soiled clothing quickly entered my mind as I inhaled the smell of detergent and fabric softener.

Nearing the place where I had first discovered the intruder, I slowed my pace and crept lightly over the carpet. Stealth and my trusty broom were my only allies this night, and they would lead me to victory. I crept closer to the beast’s lair in-between the wires behind the entertainment center, hoping for a quick kill.

There he was.

I tightened the grip on my broom weapon and held my breath. I knew I had to be quick with my thrust, and aim true. If I were to miss, the beast would surely scamper away from the deadly end of my weapon and disappear into the tangle of wires once more.

Perhaps I would need assistance. I called to my woman, Jen. The slayer of bugs and cooker of meals would aid me in my hunt tonight to ensure a quick victory. We quickly formulated a plan of action. I would thrust my weapon to the left of the creature, forcing it to scurry to the right in fear and into our trap, where Jen would be waiting with her own weapon of floor cleaning.

I took a breath, and quickly drove the end of the broom handle to the very left of the creature, who jumped aside and scurried quickly to the right to avoid my thrust. Jen’s outstretched mop handle drove downwards quickly, and yet again the creature avoided the blow, this time heading back in the direction it came from, back to me.

I wasn’t ready. I aimed another thrust and missed wildly, and before I could aim another strike, the beast had slipped into the jungle of wires behind the entertainment center.

The beast had eluded us.

Cursing, I quickly began to thrust the broom handle into the tangled web of wires in the hopes that my prey would scurry for cover, and into our midst. He was not fooled by our ruse, and remained hidden in the safety of the wires. We discussed our next move, as we did not want to leave the creature back there to surprise us again at another time. We decided the best course of action would be to pull away the entertainment center from the wall, in the hopes that we would be given an opportunity to strike out against our foe. I pulled the entertainment center away from the wall, and sprang back ready to pounce!

Nothing happened. Shit.

Discouraged, we began to search again, when suddenly a scream from Jen caused me to turn around as I saw the creature scurrying away with such speed and agility I was momentarily stunned. I quickly recovered and chased after the beat as it ran across the living room rug and towards the couch. Wildly stomping my foot, I tried to end his life but he proved too quick for me, and reached the cover of the couch easily.

The little fucker had proven a worthy adversary.

The time had come for action. No more games, I told myself. Time to end this. I took position near the back of the couch, while Jen took position in front, gripping her mop handle firmly between her soft hands. Steeling myself, I raised the couch up from the floor, and the cunning arachnid bounded away from the couch….missing Jen’s thrust by inches…and dove for cover underneath the other sofa.

Cursing again and beginning to lose patience, I went to the back of the second sofa and looked beneath it for any signs of our prey. He sat calmly underneath the couch, near the leftmost edge. I couldn’t hear him breathing, but I knew it must be coming hard with all the running he was doing. Fearing another mistake, I took it upon myself to clear the room from any sources of cover the creature might take. The rug and the end table were moved and I told myself that our clever friend would not elude us much longer.

I told Jen to prepare, and once more lifted the couch off the ground to force our foe from his hiding place, and into our midst. He ran directly for Jen’s feet, causing her to emit a piercing scream of dismay while she blindly and chaotically shoved the mop handle into the ground in an effort to win the day. She was…unsuccessful, and the beast once more scurried underneath the sofa to safety.

Fuck.

Feeling the excitement of the hunt beginning to slip away to be replaced by hopelessness and anger, I did my best to calm my breathing. This was proving to be the most elusive, annoying fucking arachnid I had ever had the displeasure of doing battle with. A worthy foe, indeed.

Gripping my silver broom handle, I again lifted the couch and waited for signs of his approach. Jen cried out she had seen him, but he had ducked back into the couch again. I set down the couch and began to come to the front with her, when I saw out of the corner of my eye, my enemy.

He stood before me.

As he ran towards me, I raised my weapon above my head, and brought it down with a thunderous blow that shook the ground and shattered my weapon into pieces. As the broom head flew to the side from the force of the blow, I saw my foe dodge to the right and head back towards the couch in retreat.

GoddammitmotherfuckingspiderIwilleffingkillyou!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As the beast scurried towards the safety of the couch once more, I raised my broken weapon again above my head. Screaming my war cry, I brought down the silver bo with a quick, violent slam that caught my opponent mere inches away from the underside of the couch. The force of the thrust caused the creature to fly into the air and back into the middle of the room. Death found him quickly and probably without pain. He landed in a heap on the floor, already curled into the telltale ball that signaled the end of his life and my victory. He remained still.

Victory was mine!!

I erupted into a primal scream of glee and victory as I held aloft my silver spider killer weapon. Broken, bent, and destroyed it may have been…but dishonored, it was not. I dubbed it “Silverstick, the Spider Hammer” and laid it to rest next to the washing machine, where it belonged.

The battle had ended. My foe defeated.

The war was over.

60-foot Waterslide!

2007-08-28T15:04:00.000-05:00

I did some pretty dumb things when I was a kid, and I'm sure I've done plenty of not-very-smart things during my college years and drunk adventures.

However, I am totally blown away by the amount of balls it would take to do this:

super fun happy slide

Holy effing shit.

Why Bill Murray is Still Cool

2007-08-27T16:39:00.000-05:00

Bill Murray Arrested for DUI in Golf Cart

Random Friday

2007-08-24T10:58:00.000-05:00

-I have two laptops on my desk at work right now because of a project I’m working on. They are the same make and model, so it’s like having twins. I’ve begun to feel guilty when I work on one more than the other. I don’t want to start some sort of cyber-sibling rivalry, you know. I’m considering giving them names.

-I’m allergic to cats. My friend sent me a picture of her new kitties and I was thinking about the fact that I miss having cats. I’ve heard about these allergy free cats they have, now. Apparently they are some sort of bio-engineered genetic mutations that don’t make you sneeze when you pick them up. You can order them online and have them (get this) shipped to you. I want to get one, but they’re like $2000 so I don’t see that happening any time soon.

-I was playing some online games last night on my Playstation. I joined a game where I was the only American…the other people were all Japanese. This was funny for numerous reasons, the biggest being that I don’t speak Japanese and they didn’t seem to speak English (there were headsets involved so we were talking back and forth). We played anyway, and every now and then, they would talk to me specifically. I know this, because all I could decipher was my own name (Shanshu). I can't fake Japanese very well, but it went something like this:

"Watashiwa hajime mash-dey, dozo yuroshky mishu SHANSHU domo origamo!"

For all I knew, they were cursing me out, saying hello…or possibly giving me a recipe for pan fried shrimp. No idea. I started saying random things back to them, too. “Wow, put that in your marzipan pan pie, bingo blue! The cat’s on the other neck now, horse testicle farmer.” It was funny to me.

-My new favorite drink is half Guinness and half apple cider. I’ve heard this called Snakebite, Moonbeam, and Black Velvet. I don’t know what the real name is, and I don’t care. I just like it. If you try one, be sure you get it in a glass, so you can see the cool chemical effect.

-I’m hung-over as I type this.

-I love The Far Side comics. I always get a Far Side desk calendar for Christmas. I’m dreading the year I don’t get one, and blow a gasket over the whole ordeal and cause a big scene.

-I had eggs, toast, and a rasher for breakfast.

-My favorite soda right now is Cherry Coke Zero. Try it out. You’ll be amazed at how good it tastes.

-I wish I could give out tickets for bad driving. I wouldn’t want to actually pull people over though, since that would take more precious time away from my life. I think the best thing to do would be to keep a log of all the bad driving I encounter on a daily basis and then send that list to the police, who would mail tickets out to the idiots in question. Sort of like a secret shopper, only with vehicular vendetta!

-You don’t know what a rasher is, do you?

-There’s a guy standing behind me right now and I have no idea who he is. I wonder if it’s a ninja. I’m afraid to turn around because he might be looking at me, and that would really freak me out.

Californication

2007-08-23T10:18:00.000-05:00

Most of the time I consider myself to be somewhat of a snob when it comes to cinema and television. The reason being that I have grown to love the visual art form genre, and the things we love tend to be easier to criticize. Having stated that necessary but semi-pretentious introduction, I will now inform my loyal seven readers of my newest and most exciting media event in months: Californication.

David Duchovny is back and better than ever in this new series on Showtime. While the series plot has only just begun to grow and show us the murky depths of emotional confusion and sexual energy that is possible in dramatic comedies, it is obvious that Californication will become a new hit loved by generations X, Y, and possibly even Z.

Duchovny plays author Hank Moody (a name I truly hope is a pen name and not a not-so-subtle hint towards his character’s mood) who recently relocated to Los Angeles from New York. Traveling to LA to secure his new movie deal and spread his creative wings in a new city, he finds himself thrown into a web of surprises, disappointments, and seemingly infinite romantic possibilities. Harboring a complicated but very real love for his ex-girlfriend and daughter and suffering from a new case of writer’s block, Hank does his best to adapt to his new surroundings and take back the life he once had.

Duchovny’s supporting cast is well chosen and easy to welcome in, including his ex-girlfriend (played by Natascha McElhone) who is currently harboring thoughts of getting married to a man that Duchovny’s character is not exactly thrilled about knowing. The back and forth between Hank and his ex’s new love interest is worth the price of admission, alone.

You might also remember Hank’s agent (Evan Handler) from Sex and the City and guest appearances on Lost and Friends.

The story is interesting, the characters are believable and fun, and the sexual deviance and chaotic normalcy of everyday life in LA is hard to ignore and even harder to dislike.

This is my new addiction, and I’m happy to have it. Californication is a great new show with tremendous potential to steal away our Monday nights. Check it out on Showtime, Monday nights at 9:30.

Jen's footnote: I read this post and skimmed the review, assuming that Shanshu had copied it from some movie review site. When I told him this, he informed me that he had, in fact, written the review himself. I asked him to allow me to add this little footnote in case any of his other blog fans assumed the same. Shan wrote it. He's a writing rock star.

*This ends my shameless plug and Showtime’s free publicity.
(Showtime, if you’re reading this, please inform your gift department that my favorite color is black and I enjoy mini-muffins. Blueberry.)

*Also note that some of the pictures above were borrowed from Showtime’s Californication site. I used them with permission….I hope. They didn’t tell me I couldn’t do it.
(Again, if you are reading this, Showtime: please know that I am giving you credit for your pictures and I hope you don’t get mad at me. No shouting, please. If you want me to take them down from my site, I will gladly to so to avoid your wrath.)

Wednesday Wacky

2007-08-22T16:31:00.000-05:00

Random Thought:

When we are in the car, and we hear something on the radio that we don't like (because we hate that commercial, or the song is lame, etc), WHY do we look at the radio in disgust, as if the sound is coming out of the radio head unit itself???

You know you do it. I do it, too. Why do we do that? The sound is coming from the speakers...yet we look at the radio console as if it were a television.

Weird.

A Lesson Before Breaking Up

2007-08-20T13:09:00.000-05:00

Taken from a conversation a friend of mine had with a guy she had been seeing. Apparently, the guy freaked out when he found out she owned a vibrator. She called him recently to end the relationship, and forwarded me the conversation. I had to share. The names have obviously been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.

Eve: Hey, Adam, it’s me.
Adam: Hi baby.
Eve: Listen, I really don’t think this is going to work out.
Adam: What are you talking about?
Eve: What else would I be talking about?
Adam: I don’t know.
Eve: Then why…never mind. I don’t think WE’RE going to work out.
Adam: What’s wrong? Why?
Eve: You flipped out at me over a vibrator.
Adam: Because you don’t need it anymore. LOL
Eve: Who says? Plenty of guys enjoy them too. I asked a bunch of my friends today and it seems like you’re in the minority on this one.
Adam:Whatever.
Eve: See, that’s why this isn’t going to work. You can’t even talk like a grown-up. All you ever say is ‘Whatever’.
Adam: No I don’t. Why do you need a vibrator?
Eve: It’s not about need, it’s about want. I want it. I like it. It’s fun. Why can’t you get used to it?
Adam: I won’t. It’s weird. I can understand having one if you’re single or ugly. LOL
Eve: ...Right. Well, I’m sure you’ll be happier with someone who likes only two positions and fakes orgasms with you.
Adam: Whatever.
Eve: Ok, well...good luck.
Adam: Whatever.

*click*

Now, here’s how I told her the conversation should have ended:

Eve: Hey, Adam, it’s me.
Adam: Hi baby.
Eve: Listen, I really don’t think this is going to work out.
Adam: What are you talking about?
Eve: What else would I be talking about?
Adam: I don’t know.
Eve: Then why…never mind. I don’t think WE’RE going to work out.
Adam:What’s wrong? Why?
Eve: You flipped out at me over a vibrator.
Adam:Because you don’t need it anymore. LOL
Eve: Who says? Plenty of guys enjoy them too. I asked a bunch of my friends today and it seems like you’re in the minority on this one.
Adam: Whatever.
Eve: See, that’s why this isn’t going to work. You can’t even talk like a grown-up. All you ever say is ‘Whatever’.
Adam:No I don’t. Why do you need a vibrator?
Eve: Because your penis is too small.
Adam: Wha-
Eve: Listen, can I call you back later? I’m busy using my vibrator at the moment. I’ll call you when I’m finished, and everybody leaves.
Adam: Wha-who-wh-

*click*

Random Friday

2007-08-17T08:57:00.000-05:00

I used to always do Random Friday posts. I didn't do them every Friday, mind you, because then they would cease to be come "random" and I would be forced to call them "Normal Friday posts" or something else equally lame. Since I am neither lame nor boring in bed I thought I would spew forth another random Friday post to keep our blood pumping hot for a few more hours until we leave work for the day.

-I tried a new concoction this morning for breakfast. Eggs and hash browns and leftover taco meat wrapped in a whole wheat tortilla with Velveeta cheese. As expected, it was beyond horrible.

-I have a friend who has a wife who drives me fucking batty. I swear, whenever she talks to me I'd rather light my own hair on fire and try putting it out by punching my own head.

-I was once with a girl who orgasmed 7 times in one sitting. She wasn't even getting paid.

-There was a cop following behind me this morning on the way to work. We reached a stoplight intersection and the people across from us were turning left and there was a mini-traffic jam blocking the way...yet people continued to turn. I was beyond annoyed that I was going to miss my turn on the green light...until the cop flipped on his lights, pointed at the cars that were blocking the intersection, and told them (through the use of hand movements and pointing) to get the fuck out of the way. They did. We went through the light. I was happy, and for the first time in a long time I was happy a cop was driving beside me.

-The best part of the movie Black Snake Moan is the fact that you get to see Christina Ricci naked.

-I enjoyed the final Harry Potter book. I still think the ending should have involved a threesome with Harry, Ron, and Hermione but oh well. I'm sure there's a porn out there somewhere that has done that already. It's probably called Harry Twatter or something.

-Nemo me impune lacessit

-Random movie quote: "I think you're all fucked in the head. We're ten hours from the fucking fun park and you want to bail out. Well I'll tell you something. This is no longer a vacation. It's a quest. It's a quest for fun. I'm gonna have fun and you're gonna have fun. We're all gonna have so much fucking fun we'll need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles. You'll be whistling 'Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah' out of you're assholes! I gotta be crazy! I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose. Praise Marty Moose! Holy Shit!"

-I've had a digital camera for awhile now, and I have yet to take any dirty pictures with it.

-In case you missed it, here is a video of some of us partying. Please note Jen's drunkenness and be sure to rate the video so it will become famous and I'll make no money from it. And don't make fun of my ability to operate a camera while drunk.

-My South Park character, created by my friend Lindsey:

-When I was a kid we used to mix vanilla and sugar into our milk. We called it "Sugar Milk".

-If you have 3 quarters, 4 dimes, and 4 pennies, you have $1.19 This is the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

-I hate, hate, HATE the sound of folding paper. Especially when people fold it between their fingers. FUCK I hate that sound. It makes my teeth itch.

-I was in Rome, Italy during one of the first snowfalls they had in years. Everybody there was excited. I was pissed, since I'm from the Midwest and snow doesn't impress me.

-I find cleavage sexier than naked.

-I had a root canal last week and it didn't even hurt. I don't know what the big deal is.

-Wii sports is the most fun you can have with your clothes on, period.

-This post took 57 minutes to create.

Try Spelling THAT in your Alphabet Soup!

2007-08-15T15:21:00.000-05:00

Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu

You probably think I dozed off after looking at porn and my head fell on the keyboard, creating the jumbled circlejerk of letters above, right? Wrong.

Oh, if only it were that simple. That is actually a name. I swear. It's the name of a hill located in New Zealand. I shit you not.

Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu!!!!!

Holy effing shit. Try saying that.....period. I tried a few times, but then I got tired and started looking at porn.

Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu has got to be the longest name of a place, ever created. If it's not, then my world scares me just a little bit more than it did a few minutes ago. I mean, if there can be a place called Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu and it's not in the book of records somewhere, that's just crazy.

I think I might have to get me a tee shirt that says "I've visited Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu and all I got was a headache from trying to say the fucking name and this lousy t-shirt".

Hmmm. That might make me rich. Nobody steal it. I've got this post time-stamped, you know.

Here's the Wikipedia link

Once More With Feeling

2007-08-13T10:22:00.000-05:00

While trying my best to be a guy’s guy and prove to anybody who may not believe me that I do in fact, have a penis and that I do not cry while watching romance movies and that I do not believe that flowers have feelings…sometimes I do something that completely counteracts anything I might have to say to prove my heterosexuality.

This weekend was one of those times.

I went to a Buffy sing-along show on Friday night. I was dragged by kicking horses…..No, I was led by beautiful women with promises of lust and debauchery and free beer….I was forced to go…..oh, bollocks. I won’t lie to you. I wanted to go.

There, I said it. I wanted to go. Nobody forced me. Although, I will point out that it wasn’t my idea in the first place. That being said, I still thought it sounded like fun and went to see what it was all about.

Here’s the skinny: If you’ve ever watched the show Buffy the Vampire Slayer, you might know that there is an episode in which a demon comes into town and makes everybody display their deepest secrets through the truly evil use of show-tune style songs. Basically, it’s a musical episode but done in a “we don’t understand why we are singing” sort of way. It was very cool when it first aired.

Since the episode aired, the musical episode (called “Once More, With Feeling”) has developed a sort of cult following, and it even went so far as to be watched by numerous people in a theatre-style setting.

This is the part where you assume the theatre would be filled with freaks and losers….and you’d be pretty close to accurate with that thought.

People get together at a movie theatre and air the Buffy musical episode, while singing along to the lyrics and dancing about the aisles. There’s even some Buffy trivia and games and karaoke and prizes and such.

I went not knowing what to expect...and even though I had to keep checking my crotch to ensure my man penis hadn’t shriveled up inside myself to become a vagina, I had a good time. We sang, we laughed, we got super drunk….it was good times for all.

There were several “Rocky Horror Picture Show” types there, of course. But they stayed to themselves and ate small bunnies in the corner quietly so we paid them no mind. One of them got to close to our seats so we had to wield our torches close to their face and yell “Back! Back, creature!” until she went away. I was sad to see her go, though since she was only wearing a slip and high heels….

Anyway, the Buffy sing-along was a good time and if you are a fan of the Buffyverse you should consider checking it out if it ever comes to your town.

I DO have a penis. I swear. If I have to, I’ll post a pic of it.

You’ll see.

MTV News on Buffy

New York Post

Link to the Buffy musical site

Back From Oak Island

2007-08-07T13:54:00.000-05:00

I'm back from vacation. I fucking hate being back here. I miss the beach.

We went to Oak Island, NC last week. We were there for seven fun-filled days of sunshiney joygasm at our oceanfront cottage held up by stilts. I assume that the stilts are supposed to help save the house in case the tide comes up too far, or a hurricane reaches too close to the shoreline. Perhaps they just found it cute.

Regardless, I am home now and NOT fucking happy about it.

Spending all that time on the beach is a great way to restore your emotional chi and convert all that stress into creative ways to drink and show various naked parts of your body as frequently as possible.

We had a blast.

The weather was awesome. The sun shone down on us almost everyday, and the wind kept a nice cool breeze from the ocean to ensure we never got too hot. The drinks were plenty and tasted good. Mine were usually blue drinks. I have no idea what was in them, but after 2 glasses I would start to get that fuzzy happy warm feeling in my nethers that inevitably led to semi-nakedness and a desire to munch on chips.

I got pinched by a crab. The little fucker nailed me while I was sitting in the surf enjoying myself. I bled and cursed and now I have two puncture marks on my hand. We went out that night and hunted for crabs to get my revenge on.

VENDETTA!!!!

We found a few that night, but the little fuckers are fast. Alas, vengeance was not mine.

Jen got stung by a jellyfish. We're not sure about this, but it seems likely. We did NOT try to hunt down any more for the sake of revenge. We decided to be monk-like and take the higher road...which means we were scared to get back in the water for a few hours.

We all drank. A lot. Did I mention that?

We took 188 pictures of the beach and ourselves and our house and the airport and a whole bunch of other things that sound more boring than they actually were.

Speaking of airports, have you ever been to the Wilmington, NC airport (ILM)? It's like the airport on the show Wings. I mean, there were fucking rocking chairs in there, instead of normal chairs.

Effing rocking chairs, yo.

I have pictures. I will share some of them when I get home and have access to them. Right now I'm at stupid work and I hate it and have no access to pictures or happiness.

I miss the beach. Work sucks. I have P.O.D. (Post Oak-Island Depression)

Irish Drunk Fest

2007-07-22T00:05:00.000-05:00

Jen does her best to describe to Sean's sister that he is alive and well here in Kansas.....and she proves that Americans are NOT to be trusted.

This will be fun to explain to the family. Hopefully they don't know this address.

My New Sofas

2007-07-20T13:44:00.001-05:00

There's really not much else I can say about this.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I want to be witty and fun. But really....they're sofas. I can't do or say anything else about them that would be worth reading. I can't even think of something I could do, to make this funny or entertaining.

They do recline, though. Woot.

Rollercoaster of Love

2007-07-16T16:03:00.001-05:00

I went to our local fun park this weekend. Theme park, fun park, amusement park...whatever your local dialect chooses to call it. Ours is called Worlds of Fun.

My favorite is still Six Flags, but that doesn't really matter to the post.

We took Jen's cousin Sean who is in town from Ireland. He had never ridden a roller coaster before. We decided we had to let him experience one while he was in town.

We were bad, mean people. We...might have told him that people sometimes die but that "it doesn't happen every month, like it used to".

SHAME on us. We are wicked.

While we were in line at a coaster we had said earlier was the "baby coaster", we informed him that it was actually the fastest one the park had, and he absolutely, positively, could not chicken out, or we would make fun of him.

I'm not sure WHY we did this. It seemed funny to us, at the time. The more pale he got as our turn to ride grew closer, the more guilty we felt. We ended up telling him the truth, that the ride was 100% safe and that it wasn't all that bad.

He didn't believe us.

He got on, anyway. On the way up the first hill, I turned around to see how he was doing. He yelled at me to turn back around so he could concentrate, or something. I heard him cussing us out as we neared the top of the very large hill to start the coaster. I think if there had been a way for his little Irish ass to jump off at this point without getting in trouble or hurt, he would have.

As we crested the hill, I think I actually heard his heart stop. Did I mention we made him sit in the front car? I didn't? Oh.....well, we did. He was in the back part of the front car with us.

Holy shit. Poor kid. Here's what he experienced:

After that was over...he wanted to go again. Whew.

HA! USA rules again! We make the best ways to scare the shit out you, and charge your for it. All are welcome.

Random:
I wonder if a cat would enjoy a roller coaster? Could you make them see from the front, like we do? Would they have a little cat embolism or something? Hmmmm.

Vent Session

2007-07-13T09:48:00.001-05:00

You know what really bugs me? Besides people who don’t update their blog on a regular basis? (sheepish grin)

What really bugs me are people who don’t appreciate the time and effort I put into my emails and other correspondence to them. I will spend five to ten minutes making an email perfect. I’ll add colors and Italicize certain words and add bold font to make works pop out.

I even break out the paragraphs and interesting points from the main body of the email, to help them stand out so the reader can get the idea faster.

I care. I work hard to make my emails fun to read, and informative at the same time. I want them to read the email and say to themselves “Wow….he really cares about me and our new ERP project design team.”

Do you know what I get in return, most of the time?

Fucking nothing.

No reply email or response of any kind. And when I do get a reply back, it’s usually quick and has misspelled words and doesn’t even answer any of the questions I posted in the original email. It will only answer the LAST question asked, and so I am forced to reply back to the them and say “Did you read the whole email? I put EVERYTHING you need in there. The last sentence is NOT the most important part, you know!”

And then they don’t reply…again.

Fuck.

Fucking reply to emails that people send you. They take the time to include you in their life and they take the time to send you shit…so the LEAST you can do is take one fucking gorram minute out your busy fucking life to reply to the fucking email.

How hard is it to reply to an email? Control + R is the shortcut key, if you’re too retarded to use the mouse. I know, I know….you’re afraid of keyboard shortcuts because you still think you can “crash your hard drive” with a simple accidental keystroke because you’ve seen too many movies. Well then, don’t use keystrokes. Click the “Reply” button at the top after you’re done reading the email.

It’s not hard. I promise. Give it a try.

Did you know that every time you choose NOT to reply to an email, a puppy gets molested? It’s true. I sent you an email about it last week, but you chose to NOT read it or reply to it, so Scraps is now being fondled in his little puppy butthole right now.

Good job.

I'm Stooopid Smart

2007-06-21T20:13:00.000-05:00

I consider myself to be a smart person. I take pride in my ability to understand concepts and intellectual theories that some people might find difficult. I’m the kind of person that can spit out random, useless data or facts in a futile attempt to impress strangers at parties or social functions. Not in an annoying way, though. Honest.

I took physics and passed. I took Calculus I and II in college. Despite several headaches and mental breakdowns I passed the course by the sum of the limit as it reaches zero. I’ve taken Accounting classes and Philosophy and Cognitive Psychology. I’ve had some schooling. I have a 4.0 GPA in my business program right now.

I will debate topics with you like religion, politics, social standing, or even the less dramatic ones like wine or movies. I know 13 decimals of Pi. I play chess. I have never stuck my finger into a light socket.

I’m reading A People’s History of the United States by Howard Zinn and so far I understand every single bit of it.

I do smart things. I am smart. I know I am.

But today I feel like a complete fucking idiot.

I brought it on myself, too. I was sitting here in the office this morning, being bored because there are currently no projects on my desk, and for some reason I was even the first one in the office. So while I sat here being bored, I tried to better myself by doing a little “brain quiz” to help wake me up, and keep the neurons firing.

I tried to name all 50 states.

Oh. My. God.

I totally couldn’t do it. I am currently at 41 total states, and I know there are more than that. At least, I’m pretty sure…I’m starting to doubt my sanity, at this point. I can’t effing believe I can’t think of the other 9 states I’m missing.

Argh.

I only stopped so I could clear my head, and write this blog post so the whole world (and yes, I’m lame enough to think the WHOLE world reads this blog) can know how stupid I am.

Wait! 42! I just remembered Delaware!

Woot!

I will find all 50. You watch.

…

I’d better fucking find all 50.

Tipping

2007-06-18T08:31:00.001-05:00

I believe in tipping. It’s like gravity. They say it’s only a theory, and some people don’t believe in it…but I do. I know it exists. I think tipping is important, and you will always get money out of me, as long as I think you are making an effort to cater to my various needs.

A quick rundown on what I think about tipping, in general:

If you do a bad job, you’ll get 10%.
If you do a good job, you’ll get 15%
If you do a great job, you’ll get 20%
If you show me your boobs, you’ll get 35%
If you show me your boobs but forget to bring me a refill on my Coke Zero, you’ll get 30%

That’s how it works.

Some people are bad tippers. Some people are good about it. Some people are just trashy about it, to the point of being whisky tango.

Jen has a friend who is a bad tipper. She has this theory that she doesn’t have to tip as much as she should when she is out to dinner with a group of people. Her crazy logic revolves around the fact that she believes that if you have a group of four people, and each one of you has a dinner bill of around $50 each…then she only has to put down $4.00 to the “tip pot”.

Four fucking dollars.

Upon being questioned about this, she replies with “Well since everybody else is putting in more money, then I don’t have to put in as much and the tip should still be bigger than if I was alone.”

Or some such shit.

I’m not sure what’s going on in her head, except cheapness and rudeness and a general lack of class and social understanding. Even if you are a moron and hate tipping, you know that 10% is standard, and you should never go below that unless you REALLY hate your service. Other than that, there is no reason to tip less than 10%.

None.

It’s so tacky, it makes my butt itch.

Granted, this is the same girl who put on her wedding invitations: “Instead of wedding gifts, please send money so I can have a bigger honeymoon.”

I shit you not. The girl asked for money on her wedding invitations. It was so horrible I almost died when I read it. So it doesn’t surprise me that she tips less than 10%...I just find it horrible and worth mentioning here.

Four fucking dollars.

Bitch, Whine, Moan

2007-06-11T07:51:00.000-05:00

Cripes.

It seems like everybody has to bitch about everything. Everywhere you look, it seems like somebody new is complaining about something else that annoys their delicate natures again. Er....except me. I don't bitch about everything. I simply share my opinions about other people's bitching and offer suggestions for how we can improve on ourselves. Right?

Right.

Anyway. The point is, people like to bitch and moan. It makes them feel special and it makes them feel like they are important and worth taking up space for.

Today's good example of which, is the Church of England.

The church is complaining about Sony's use of the Manchester Cathedral in a video game. The game in question is called Resistance: Fall of Man. It's a game about an alien invasion of earth during WWII and how humanity teams up to survive and conquer their invaders.

Nothing religious whatsoever about this video game. It's about blowing shit up and shooting aliens. Violence, pure and simple in its wonderfulness.

The fact that somebody has found a reason to bitch besides stuck up, bored housewives who think video games are too violent astounds me. This game has nothing to do with religion or the church, and the fact that the Church of England has found a reason to bitch blows me the fuck away.

The Manchester Cathedral is used as a background for one of the levels in the game...nothing more. They don't even refer to the church by name, to my knowledge. If they do, they don't make it very obvious. I didn't know which church the level I was playing was in, while I played it. In fact, I didn't know the name of the church until I read this stupid article.

The Church of England wants Sony to issue an apology for using their cathedral without permission, and for Sony to pay them "a large donation" for their trouble.

Piffle.

It's a public building...a church. It's going to be viewed by people, photographed, videoed....and maybe even put into a book, movie, TV show, or God forbid, a video game.

Who cares? It's not like the game is saying anything negative about the church. It's just a backdrop for part of the "story" of the game. It's a setting for plot...nothing more. The fact that they are bitching about it, tells me that they are no better than everybody else and just want to whine.

That, and money.

It's always about money, isn't it? Maybe I'm reading too much into this, and maybe I'm just bitching about somebody else bitching because I don't know what else to blog about today. But maybe it's also a little extreme to demand monetary compensation for something that was truly harmless and doesn't negatively affect the social standing or moral responsibility of a public institution of religion like the Manchester Cathedral.

The Church of England was only formed so a fat, obnoxious, murdering King could divorce his old wife and marry a new one.

Who should be sued over THAT one? Perhaps divorce offends me. Perhaps I feel that breaking away from the Catholic Church is an affront to God and corrupts my children. Do I get money for that? Can I bitch about that, and demand a public apology? Where's my money, bitches?

Send me a check, Church of England. Make the memo say "Sorry for the hypocrisy". Leave creative design like movies and video games alone, and focus on keeping your hands off altar boys.

"Give me my money, bitches!"

Check out this article which also bitches about Church of England bitching if you would like to hear more.

Paris Fucking Hilton

2007-06-07T08:53:00.000-05:00

I've said before how much bullshit it is that celebrities don't have to obey the same rules as the rest of us. I've bitched before about how lame it is that some of us put these people up on so high a pedestal that they are allowed to literally get away with murder.

If you didn't believe me then, or if you disagreed with me I offer you yet more proof as to the reason behind this country's lack of intelligence.

Paris fucking Hilton.

Paris fucking cum-dumpster Hilton was released from jail. Already. After serving only 3 days of her full 23 day sentence. 3 fucking days. The bitch went into jail for 72 hours and had enough time for a nap and a quick gangbang in the prison guard room before she got to stroll back out again as if she had never been there.

Yep. That''ll teach her. It's a good thing we don't think DRUNK DRIVING is a big deal in this country, right? I mean, shit...if we did value human life and the rules of the road, Paris might have had to actually serve a jail sentence that would have been inconvenient for her.

I'm sure that she regrets her actions and will never do it again now that she realizes she has the police and the law in her left fucking pocket.

This chick has been to parties that lasted longer, people. This wasn't punishment, it was a fucking joke. The fact that they let her out early because she's a celebrity and because she whined the whole time and because her father is rich is proof why our country is so fucking twisted.

Fucking sigh.

They are claiming "medical reasons" for the excuse for her release from jail. They won't go into details because it is a "private" matter and it is illegal for them to discuss any further why they are letting her out of jail.

BULLSHIT.

The Los Angeles Police Department and LA Corrections department just don't want to admit that they have been rented cheap by the Hilton family. There is no other explanation. Tell me how often a prisoner is released for "medical reasons"? I've heard of people dying in jail, before. They weren't let out. Why is this bitch special?

Was she let out because her allergies were acting up? Did she have a hangnail? Maybe she had a headache, or was surfing the crimson wave. Whatever the "medical reason" I'm sure it justified her being allowed to NOT serve time for a crime she committed.

She was let out, because she's rich and famous. Pure and simple. It's absurd for anybody to claim that she was let out for "personal, private medical reasons". Bullshit.

I'm watching the live news conference on her early release right now, as I type this. They keep jumping around the issue and side-stepping questions and spewing forth verbal vomit that takes away all blame and tries to justify the bullshit that has occurred. They keep repeating "...Paris has not been early released...she's been reassigned. She's at home with an ankle bracelet and that means it's OK."

It's NOT OK, actually. It's favoritism.

I can't believe they let her out, already. Shame on you, police. Shame on you, lawyers. Have some fucking dignity and stick to your guns. If you're going to have the balls to send somebody like Paris Hilton to prison, then have the fucking balls to KEEP her in there. Don't puss out three days in.

We allowed this to happen, you know. We worship these fucking people and let them do whatever they want. In a way, it's our fault.

Paris fucking Hilton gets a get out of jail free card. Who made the card? Her daddy? The police? Nope.

We did.

Third Wheels

2007-06-01T21:27:00.001-05:00

Third wheels.

I know that sounds like a stupid phrase that makes no sense, but it's the best way to accurately describe the situation at dinner tonight. We were third wheels. I know the phrase itself makes you scratch your head and think I'm retarded. It's like that movie Airheads when they called themselves The Lone Rangers...and everybody was like, "How can you be lone? There are three of you. You can't be alone if there are three of you. Shouldn't you be The Three Rangers, instead?". It's kinda like that.

Anyway, I'm off track.

Tonight we went out to dinner at a Japanese Steak House. If you've been to one before, you know how it works. They seat you at a table that surrounds a big stove top where they cook your dinner right before your very eyes....so you can verify you aren't eating cat.

Well, normally the table seats about eight people. So when you arrive, you are seated with total strangers and are forced to either eat in the kind of semi-silence indicative of college sex in the library stacks, or you make idle chit-chat with your dinner mates.

Tonight Jen and I got fucking blindsided by a dinner party of six gorram people.

SIX.

That means that Jen and I were the odd men out, and were forced to sit at a table full of people who came together, and who knew each other, and had stories to tell.

Needless to say, we were fucked. We didn't get to talk to them because they were too busy being loud and obnoxious about their opinions on everything from property values to when it's a good time to have babies.

One of the girls at dinner was so obnoxious, I actually found myself staring at her rather large breasts and thinking to myself, "I wouldn't sleep with this woman. If I were single and she wanted my wonderful male member, I would have to lie and tell her I had the AIDS, or something."

That's how annoying she was. It didn't help that she was LOUD and MADE SURE THAT EVERYTHING SHE SAID WAS AN OCTAVE ABOVE THE WHITE NOISE COMING FROM ALL AROUND US IN THE RESTAURANT.

CAN YOU FUCKING PASS THE SALT, PLEASE? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THERE'S NO SALT? DON'T THEY HAVE SALT IN CHINA? OH, JAPAN...WHATEVER, THEY'RE ALL ASIANS, RIGHT? I LOVE THIS SAUCE HERE, IT REMINDS ME OF THIS TIME IN COLLEGE WHEN WENDY AND I WERE TAKING TURNS LICKING...HEY, WAIT THIS DRINK TASTES FUNNY. WAITRESS-SAN, PLEASE GIVE ME A SODA THAT DOESN'T TASTE FLAT. DO YOU GUYS LIKE EATING HERE?

Er...are you talking to me?

YES! I MAY BE DRUNK AND ANNOYING TONIGHT, JUST FYI.

Really? I just assumed you were always annoying.

HAHAHA, YOU'RE FUNNY. THIS PLACE IS FUN, ISN'T IT?

It used to be.

iGasm

2007-05-24T17:03:00.000-05:00

You Will Never See This Coming...

2007-05-21T11:46:00.001-05:00

The Sub-Mariner? WTF?!

2007-05-16T16:00:00.000-05:00

Well, Hollywood has done it again.

I have always found it unbelievable that Hollywood thinks we are stupid. They must have some sort of crack team of people who do nothing but sit around all day and try to think of new ways to screw us out of our hard-earned money. I don't mind that they have such a think-tank...I mind that these people have no fucking sense of Independence or individuality.

Not to mention the fact that they couldn't come up with an original thought if it came up behind them, bent them over, and rammed their corn hole.

Speaking of anal rape...Hollywood is trying to get up our pants yet again. In their apparently endless quest to exploit anything remotely related to comic books or the Marvel universe...there are rumors spreading around that Hollywood's newest bullshit movie is going to based on.....get this...the Sub-Mariner.

For those of you who didn't watch Saturday morning cartoons as a child, the Sub-Mariner is an obscure and not well liked character from back in the day. He was the Prince of Atlantis who had the ability to breathe underwater and had super strength. NOT the most interesting character, I know. That's why nobody had a Sub-Mariner lunchbox or tee shirt.

He was lame. Not Aquaman lame...but pretty fucking lame. Lame enough to be ignored and forgotten...until now.

Fucking idiots up in Hollywood's movie idea "think" tank have struck again. Keeping themselves out of the unemployment line once again by pitching a movie idea that is just sad. Not just said...fucking sad and lame and a waste of time.

Have we used up SO many good ideas on other media, that we must resort to movies based on obscure comic book characters like the Sub-Mariner? Where is our creative dignity? Where are the ordinal films? Are we really at the end of our rope?

I know that the dick-cheeses up in Hollywood are thinking:

"Well, since X-Men and Spider-Man did so well at the box office six years ago, we should keep making these movies. Let's just keep thrusting comic book heroes down the audience's throats until they vomit up revenue. And once the superhero genre is completely and totally abused and used up like a five dollar whore, we'll turn to a new idea. Get moving on this idea. Call Sam Rami, I'm sure he's not doing anything productive right now."

Fuck.

The goddam Sub-Mariner in a movie. The next thing you know, the idiots will want to make a movie about Wonder Woman.

Oh, yeah. They already fucking ARE. Sweet jebus.

I'm sure that this new movie will flop horribly, even though David B. has already read for the part and would probably make the movie as good as it possibly could be.

I just don't see how anybody could think this was a good idea. Like the Sub-Mariner is going to be a hit? Fucking please. There's a better chance of Paris Hilton being gang-raped in prison....which I'm SO praying for at this point.

Fucking Sub-Mariner. Un-be-fucking-lievable.

232 Posts

2007-05-15T10:11:00.000-05:00

Holy fucking shit. I've done 232 posts including this one! I'm not sure what that means, other than I have more free time than I should. Hmm. I should get more hobbies. I only have three right now, but I think I could get more if I just put some effort into it.

Wait...effort? Screw that. I'd rather surf porn.

Speaking of porn. I heard a guy the other day refer to it as "porno". I know that term was highly utilized back in the 70's and 80's but I thought it had died out like Anna Nicole Smith. Ohhhhhhh was that too soon? I'm sorry.

Wait, no I'm not. It's not an insult to say a dead person is dead...is it? Whatever, I'm over it.

Anyway, the word "porno" seems a little too retro for my taste. It actually made it feel dirtier to me. Tell me that isn't fucked up. The fact that when a person says "porn" I think it's ok and sexy and fun and completely innocent. But if they mention porno I think about hairy people and dirty things. Not good dirty...you know, the icky dirty. It makes me feel uncomfortable.

I'm not sure why. It's kinda like saying "panties". For some reason, that word doesn't sit well with me. I'm not saying I think it's a bad word, or gross or anything. I just don't use it and it sounds alien to me when somebody else does.

Seriously, I have no idea why.

So basically if you were to say to me, "I was watching this porno last night and the star had on these yellow panties that made me so hot" I would probably walk away from you and if you didn't read this blog you would have no understanding as to why I just ditched you.

Confused

Am I alone in this? Does anybody else have any words that make them feel icky inside? Porno, panties, feminine juices, discharge, bleeding anus...these words and phrases just don't make me feel happy. I actually cringed when I typed them.

Strange.

At least I'm not wary of normal words. Can you imagine the poor bastard who was icky around the word "the" ??? What a horrible life that would be. His emails would be so hard to read because he'd have to leave out all of the "the" words:

Dear Mike,

I was reading new proposal, and it looks great. only thing I would change would be font. I think that font could be a little bigger and reason for this is words are hard to read. Don't forget meeting we have tomorrow about party on Friday.

Jim

It would be pretty funny, though. Especially if you worked with the guy, and knew his problem. I would so fuck with him on a weekly basis. I'm not sure HOW I would fuck with him, but I'm sure I'd think of something.

Open Letter to AirTran Airways

2007-05-09T10:10:00.000-05:00

Dear Fucktards,

I wanted to take a moment of my time to inform you of how wonderful your airline is. Not only did you barely get me to my destination, but you did it with such contemptuous flair that I can't wait to not fly your airline again in the future.

First, a word about your ticket agents. While I find it noble that you choose to hire your attendants from the shallow end of the gene pool, and even though I do believe in equal rights for trailer-trash and ghetto-bots, I think in the future it might benefit your business if you were to choose the non-rude bitches that you currently employ.

The way in which they yelled at passengers who were on stand-by status was awesome. It made me feel right at home, to have a hand thrust in my face in a circa 1996 "get outta my face" gesture while asking for flight info. Truly, a wondrous training program you must have. My personal favorite part of waiting for my flight was when the ticket agent screamed at a passenger to "sit his ass down"....that was classy at its best.

Speaking of ticketing...I think it's great that you'll take anybody's money, no matter how many people book a flight. It helps out travelers, to know that even though the flight only holds 150 people, AirTran chooses to book over 250 passengers. This probably ensures you don't go belly-up and your stock stays out of the proverbial toilet...so that must make it OK.

Good job.

A quick word about your planes: wow. Just...wow. I am SO happy that those planes from the 1970's are still in circulation. I saw the movie The Love Bug, after all so I know that all vehicles have souls and get sad when not in use. How noble and kind of you to ensure those old, forgotten plans get another chance to shine with the new, "safe" planes.

I can't speak for all of us, but I love being on a two hour flight while the entire plane shakes all around me. Remember that loud "clang" noise on flight 435 out of Atlanta? That was rad. The way the people around me quaked with fear and started praying gave me warm fuzzies.

Well played.

In short, your "get you there, or die tryin" mentally for air travel is superb. Your "sit down and shut up, or I will MAKE you shut up" attitude of your ticket agents is the best. And your "I should have been decommissioned in 1978" airplanes are a great way to cut costs and keep making money.

I know that you retards don't understand sarcasm...so I'm sending this letter to you, as it is. My hope is that somebody reads it and actually sounds out most of the words enough to warrant a phone call to me to apologize for the bullshit I've put up with recently.

To say I'm not going to fly your airline again would be the biggest understatement of the decade. I'll be posting this letter to my website, so everybody who reads my blog may know about your incompetence and rude qualities, and hopefully they will avoid your "airline" in the future. If I save just one life or piece of lost luggage, I've done my job.

I hope you go out of business soon.

Hugs and kisses,
Shanshu

I'm a bastard

2007-05-02T21:30:00.000-05:00

This is the part, where I tell you I SUCK. Then you tell me I TOTALLY SUCK.

Then I say I'm sorry.

Then you pretend to forgive me, even though in your heart of hearts, all you can think to yourself is "The nerves of this guy. What a fucktard, to think he can try to squirm his way back into my virtual pants of blogger. Fuck him!"

You know you're thinking something like that. That's assuming you're reading this, at all. The sad truth is, you're right. I'm totally an asshole for leaving you all hanging for so long.

My excuses are as follows:

1. My job lay-off.

I know that this seems like a bullshit excuse, but since I've been off work I've had extra time on my hands...and you would THINK this would ensure a daily post or at the very least some comments on other blogs. Surprisingly, this is not the case. As it turns out, my best posts came from a lack of work to do while I sat in my corporate servitude dwindling away the hours.

Now that I'm at home and have other things on my agenda, blogging seems to take a back-seat.

I know, I know. That sounds bitchy and it seems like I don't care about my readers. SO not true...I just need to spend more time blogging, now that I'm not sitting bored in a cubicle all day.

2. Golf

OK, I'm sorry. I've been golfing a lot lately. The weather has been good, and my balls are going where they're supposed to....right in your girlfriend's mouth.

WOOT!

OK, seriously. I've been having a swell time with the golf thing these past 2 weeks, and while my scores have improved and my farmer's tan is well on its way to winning a Redneck Award, I still feel bad that I haven't spent much time indoors to post on occasion.

3. Saying goodbye to the single life

Yep. Sad to say to all my group bunny fans out there, but Shanshu has effectively taken himself off the market. That means I can't pleasure some of you the way in which you're accustomed to...and that includes your mom.

I totally proposed. She totally said yes. We're totally engaged.

Double WOOT.

So needless to say, that's taken up some of my time lately, as we've had to tell family and friends and start looking at churches and buy wedding books and watch bullshit sappy wedding shows on TLC that make me want to puke up my own spleen.

Guess who's idea the wedding shows are.

In any case, I've been up to my large testes in stuff to do around here, and blogging hasn't entered into my daily "To Do" list.

It's a fucking shame, and I mean to rectify the situation. I'm going out of town tomorrow to visit my buddy PJ in Atlanta.

BUT...when I return, I promise to do my best to keep up with the blogging and keep you all entertained to the best of my ability. Either that, or I'll post pictures of naughty things or whatever.

Please don't leave me. I love you all.

Hugs and kisses on all your pink parts,

Shanshu

:)

The "Fuck You" of the Week

2007-04-20T11:00:00.000-05:00

This guy is my new hero. Apparantly, Verizon Wireless quoted him a price of .002 CENTS per each kilobyte of wireless usage while in Canada. They charged him .002 DOLLARS, instead. Obviously the dollar amount is correct, but the fact that Verizon REFUSES to admit a difference between dollars and cents is.....FUCKING HILARIOUS.

So listen to the video below. It's his actual call into Verizon to clarify the situaion and explain simple math to them. It's priceless.

THEN check out the picture below. It's his payment to Verizon after all this crap is over with. Be sure to read the memo.

Classic.

Cabin Air Filters and Bullshit

2007-04-17T09:03:00.000-05:00

So, I took my car in for an oil change the other day. Nothing special, just your everyday, run-of-the-mill* oil change service appointment. I am usually not particular about where I get my oil changed, so usually it's just random where I end up going. For this particular time, it was Jiffylube.

I took my car in, and sat in the waiting room watching women's downhill skiing on the complementary TV. Besides the fact that we were watching women's downhill skiing, the other thing that sucked complete ass was the fact that the waiting room was colder than...than the snow that you use to ski downhill, like in women's downhill skiing for instance.

Cold and obscure sporting events aside, the wait wasn't long so that was good. Soon I had one of the grease-laden Jiffy employees coming to greet me in the waiting room of ice. I noticed that he was carrying an air filter under his arm as he sat down beside me.

Oh, shit.

JiffyBoy: Hey there, guy. Just wanted to let you know that the oil change looks good, and your car is doing fine.

Me: Well, that's good. We were all worried. How's she feeling after the procedure?

JiffyBoy: Uh...fine. You have a Honda, and those cars are built not to need maintenance. Besides the oil change, there's not much else we have to do!

Me: Yeah, well I'm sure you'll think of something.

JiffyBoy: Your air filter looks good, so we don't need to change that.

Me: Really? You oil change places always try to get me to replace my air filter! Are you sure it doesn't need to be replaced? Are you feeling ok?

JiffyBoy: No, no. The air filter is fine.

Me: So...why are you holding one?

JiffyBoy: Oh, this is your cabin air filter. And as you can see, it's dirty.

Me: Eh? My what?

JiffyBoy: Your cabin air filter. It's dirty.

Me: You lost me. What's a cabin air filter?

JiffyBoy: It's the air filter for your cabin.

Me: My cabin? You mean the thing at the front of airplanes?

JiffyBoy: Yeah, except this cabin is for your car.

Me: So...by "cabin" you are referring to the inside of my car?

JiffyBoy: Yes. Anyway, your cabin filter is dirty, so we can go ahead and replace that for you.

Me: Ahh that sounds more like the JiffyLube I've come to know. Now we're back to normalcy. No, I don't need my interior car air filter replaced, thanks.

JiffyBoy: It's a CABIN air filter, and it should be replaced. It's important to your breathing.

Me: My breathing? It filters the air INSIDE my cabin, correct?

JiffyBoy: Exactly!

Me: So, would you say it's safe to say that this air filter device helps to screen out the negative particles in the air that is present within my car interior?

JiffyBoy: It's a CABIN, but yes that about sums it up.

Me: So, we can therefore state that the air filter in question is filtering the air that comes into my car from the outside? You're saying this helps to filter the outside air that travels into the comfort of my driving cabin.

JiffyBoy: Yes!

Me: That's stupid.

JiffyBoy: What?

Me: That's stupid. You can't filter the "outside" air. That's just...air! You can't filter regular air. It's not like the air filter is going to save me from smog or smoke or pollen. The second I open my car door, I'm breathing it in again.

JiffyBoy: Yes, but while you're driving you'll be breathing better. Trust me, it makes sense and you want to do this. It's only $31.99 to replace it.

Me: No. Go away.

JiffyBoy: But...

Me: No, no. I don't want it. I like to breathe air. It's been good to me, and we've been together since I was a baby. I like it just the way it is. Please don't take away my childhood.

JiffyBoy: Fine. But if you stop breathing one day, it'll be the air filter being dirty that kills you.

Me: Noted.

Needless to say, I did not purchase the $32 "cabin air filter" that they suggested. I called up some friends and nobody else had ever heard of a cabin air filter, either. So I'm not just stupid or ignorant of a car's inner workings.

It was just lame. If this happens to you, be strong and JUST SAY NO TO CABIN AIR FILTERS!

*What the hell does "run-of-the-mill" mean,anyway? Where did we get that saying?

This Sucks

2007-04-12T11:55:00.000-05:00

You know, for a long time I've day-dreamed about what it would be like to NOT have to go into the office day after day. I would sit in my cubicle and imagine how great it would be if I could just leave the office and go play. I would think about playing golf or shopping or going out to eat with friends and family. I thought about all of the projects I would get done, and how much fun it would be to be outside and enjoying the world around me.

Yet here I sit.

The fucking weather is not cooperating with my time off work plans. Everyday it has been cold and rainy and cloudy and depressing. I've found myself cooped up in my apartment with no real plans and nothing exciting to do.

Good thing I have the Wii to keep me occupied. But even that starts to get old, after a while. I find myself being BORED while I'm off work and that just sickens me. I can't believe I finally got my dream of having time off work...and I have nothing to show for it.

This fucking sucks.

What kind of things should I do to occupy my time? Any thoughts?

Wii Tennis

2007-04-09T13:05:00.000-05:00

The Nintendo Wii is TOO much fun.

Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!

How I spent my "Take This Job and Shove it" Bonus Money

2007-04-02T22:25:00.000-05:00

Can't talk right now.

Busy.

:)

OMG! I am unemployed!

2007-03-29T09:26:00.000-05:00

"Shanshu, why haven't you been posting lately?"

Because I'm out of a fucking job, that's why! Back up off my nuts!!!

Yes, kiddies. It's true. I have been laid off from my job.

Ok, I might be making this out to be more dramatic than it really is. Truth be told, I am out of a job...but I asked for it. I was laid off. Actually, I requested to be laid off. It's called voluntary separation, and it's actually a pretty sweet deal.

See, my company (who I'm not sure for legal reasons if I can talk about...so I won't, to be safe) has been doing a lot of lay-offs for the past few years. It's been a struggle and many people have found themselves on the end of a pink slip.

To combat this, my company started a program where the employees CHOOSE whether or not they want to be laid off, and they "bribe" them to do so, in order to free up capital and decrease the worker population without people feeling like they got fired, or whatever.

The "bribe" for me is 4 months paid, standard. I get paid for the next four months, as if I was still working. I also get a bonus, and any vacation time unused for 2007 gets sent to me in form of money. I also get to keep my benefits for the next four months, along with other perks I have.

You wanna know the best part? If I find another job next week...my company will continue to pay me my severance package.

Mutha-fuckin-WOOT!

So in theory, I could have 2 paychecks for the next four months, if I find a new job soon enough.

Pretty sweet deal, like I said.

I'm not upset about it. I wasn't happy in my job, and I didn't feel like I had any meaning, and I wasn't going anywhere, and my team was awful, and blah blah blah whatever, I'm out.

I'm fucking out, yo.

I am the master of my destiny! I fear nobody! I will grab hold of fate and shake the shit out of it while shouting to the skies "I am ME!"

Or something like that.

People keep asking me what I plan to do with myself now that I don't have to work. I keep telling them, that I have an idea of what I am going to do in about 2 weeks, but for now I plan to enjoy my time off and take advantage of the lack of work. Get my chi back, you know? Slowly puke out the stress that has sat within me for months, and become ME again.

It's time to be Zen about this whole thing.

My future plans involve Playstation, golf, and Chinese buffet. I haven't thought much past that, to be honest.

I'll have free time on my hands the next few weeks. Send me sympathy to the comments. Send me lots of comments. I want 2 per, person!!

Show me the love!

Brilliant Ideas That Will Probably Never Be Realized

2007-03-27T09:28:00.000-05:00

Heated Roads

Seriously. We could install metal conducing coils into the cement when we build a new road that connect to a central heating hub under the city. Kick out those damn dirty rats and “forgotten men” in the sewers and make a “Highway Heating and Power” company down there. When the winter is upon us, and the weather turns nasty, The HHP goes to work.

If snow and ice and sleet start to fall onto our precious roadways...the coils in the cement are activated, effectively heating the road! This means the ice and snow can't stay in their frozen molecular state, and will melt away as water and will not cause us to slide around like dogs in the back of a van.

Brilliant!

"Auto-Off Commercials" Option

I would pay for this service. I fucking hate 95% of the commercials I see/hear/read every single day. They make my brain hurt. Fucking marketing people trying to get into my head like little greedy leeches. They must be stopped!

Argh! Get out of my brain! I don’t want to buy a car from Beep-Beep.com! Aaaaaaaaa! Get that damn song out of my head! I hate you! HATE YOU!

Anyway. Wouldn’t it be great, if we had a way to “turn off” commercials? We could have each radio and television service provide us with the “Commercials Off” option. What happens is, you turn your radio/TV to “Commercials off” mode when you are not in the mood for commercials. When a commercial comes on, you get nothing but pleasant visuals and audio music worthy of the nicer hotel elevators.

So instead of mindless, annoying jingles and brainwashing techniques…you get Musak and flowers. Ahhhh.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: The commercial companies and networks would never allow this. Oh, YES they would….because the monthly service fee for the “Commercials Off” option is $5.00, bitches.

See? Everybody is happy. The network gets our money, and we don’t get dumber by listening to the “bikini wax jingle”.

Brilliant!

Shock Collars for Management

Oh, hell yes. You know you would sign off on this. We put collars on our management, and whenever an employee is upset with their leadership, they go to HR and push their manager’s big red button. This big red button sends a mild electric shock (similar to the static charge you get from touching the door handle in winter) to your manager to ZAP them to attention.

Eventually, if the manger keeps getting shocked enough…they’ll learn to be nicer to their employees and make some policy changes.

Brilliant!

Gatorade Alcoholic Drinks

I’ve mentioned this before, in a much older post. But it’s still a good idea. We make an alcoholic drink that is mixed with Gatorade to help us stay hydrated and keep our electrolytes up, to help minimize hangovers and icky headaches.

So while you’re drinking alcohol and depleting vitamins such as B12 and B6….you are drinking Gatorade at the same time, which replenishes those lost vitamins. It all balances out, hence no negative effects.

Brilliant!

Best Classified Ad Ever

2007-03-23T13:54:00.000-05:00

Best in Show: Shanshu

2007-03-22T08:36:00.000-05:00

Click the picture above to see my bling

Well, the results are in and it's official: I am now somebody's favorite blog. For a while now, fellow blogger and Kansas native Ookami Snow has been having a tournament of sorts, for the Blog Bracket, as I like to call it. He lined up a bunch of blogs he read on a daily basis, and put them into a bracket worth of the NCAA. Then he would have each blog pair up with a rival, and see who won for that week. It was awesome, and a great idea, and I hope he does something similar in the future.

Check out the blog bracket here.

The competition was stiff, and the drama was real. But in the end, Dust-Slaying Nano Shurikens of Doom Redux ended up the victor, and all blogs must now bow before my mighty keyboard of death!

Woot. Fuckin' A. Word. Hellz yah. RESPECT!

It's an honor to win such an award...or rather, such a title. I'd like to dedicate this victory to all of the people and things that made this blog what it is, today:

First off, a big thanks to God. Without Him, nothing would exist and that includes blogs, so technically this win is all because He took the time to make blogs, annoying people, and celebrities. Oh, and He also took the time to create irony and famine. Awesome.

Secondly, I'd like to thank the people who read this blog. Yes, you know who you are...because you're reading this right now. Yes, you are. Don't fucking lie to me. You're reading this, and you enjoy it...so thank you.

I'd also like to thank all the stupid celebrities and idiots in Hollywood that occasionally give me something to make fun of, or vent about. Without your pretentiousness and ability to shield your eyes from the real world, I would on occasion be forced to post something about the un-ending winter or the lack of smart people in my office. So, kudos to all the Anna-Nicole-Britney-Paris-Bastards out there in the world. Thank you.

...

I'd also like to give a shout out to my producer. I don't actually have one...but every speech I've ever heard has this person included in the "shout out" portion of the acceptance speech, so I get one, too. Shouts out to my producer.

Most of all, I'd like to thank Blogger. You give us all a space on the Internet to vent our problems, annoyances, our pictures, our stories...our lives. You rock, even if you sold out to Google. Don't feel bad, though. I'm sure if Google offered me enough money, I would be bent over a desk wearing an apron and saying "Thank you, Google may I have another?".

...

Nothing but love, Blogger. Nothin' but luv.

I accept this title as "New Favorite Blog" and I will do my best to see that I do not sully the name of this great title, and do my best to post interesting things about my life, my frustrations, or anything I think will make you smile.

Sometimes I might post whatever I want, though...so, just expect that. You know, I might just decide to make a post about shower farts, or something. That's how I roll.

Oh, and I may tell you sex stories, or other tales of group bunny debauchery.

Anyway, I'm a favorite blog, now. Recognize my authority. It is to be feared, if not respected.

I fucking rule, yo.

Chipotle

2007-03-19T09:27:00.000-05:00

I started this rant on Ookami's site and I decided to keep it going over here.

I love Chipotle. It's one of my favorite places to go, to get fast food. Those burritos are little wrapped bundles of orgasm with a side of sauce that gives me a happy with every bite. The store, the atmosphere, the speed with which they create my food...all of it is muy bueno and deserves our respect.

If you haven't had a Chipotle burrito, slap yourself on the hand for being out of touch with the world around you, and be sure to swing by your local Chipotle store sometime in the near future to experience the joygasm.

Ok, I'm done with my propaganda. Now let's get to the heart of the matter.

Some people can't pronounce "Chipotle". Since I speak Spanish and have been to both Mexico and Spain, I can safely say that I understand the language and know how to pronounce certain words. I also understand that not everybody speaks Spanish...so I try not to judge too harshly.

HOWEVER....

When I explain to a person the correct way to pronounce a word, and they tell me I'm WRONG...it makes me want to rip their spine out, through their stupid mouth. I effing hate being told I'm wrong, when I know 100% in my heart that I am correct.

Now, everybody THINKS they're right, all the time. We hate to be proven wrong, and I understand that. But dude, seriously....the correct way to pronounce "Adios" is NOT "Aaae DEE os" like some people think. People misuse foreign words way too often*, for my taste. It bugs me, because it just boils down to a lack of knowledge and a lazy attitude.

*Oh, and just so we're clear on something: "queso cheese" is not some special Mexican cheese. It's just cheese. If you say "queso cheese" you're saying "cheese cheese". It's as retarded as saying "ATM machine" or "RSVP Please". It's annoying when you do it, so...stop it.

Anyway. I know some people who pronounce "Chipotle" as "chee POLL TEE" because they are morons. They reverse the "t" and the "l" and create their own new word and it makes my butt itch every time I hear it.

It's pronounced "chee-POHT-leh", people. Sound out the letters and use your phonics properly. Chee poht leh. Say it out loud: chee poht leh.

Good.

You want proof that I'm correct? Fine. Here's your proof:

Proof #1

Proof #2

There. Now you have proof. So the next time you hear somebody say the word "Chipotle" wrong, you can point them here and tell them to get with the knowledge and stop saying words wrong.

:)

Thus endeth the lesson.

***

I had sent a comment to Chipotle asking them to tell me if I was correct in my pronunciation of the word "Chipotle". Here is what I wrote to them:

Dear Chipotle,

I have a question, and I can't seem to find the answer in the FAQ so maybe you can help me. My question is one of pronunciation. I have always pronounced Chipotle as "chee-poht-leh" because that is how it would be pronounced in Mexico, and I didn't take all those years of high school Spanish for nothing! I know some people who pronounce the word "chee-poll-tee" because they are insane, apparantly. Will you please tell me I'm right, and they are WRONG so I can brag to them, and feel all superior?

Thanks!

Shanshu

And if you believe it, they actually replied:

Shanshu,

You are correct. American English speakers have difficulty with the "TL" sound, and they always switch it in our name, incorrectly, to "LT".

Sincerely,

Joe Stupp

Manager, Duct Tape and Plungers

Chipotle

So...HA! Proof #3, and the best one, yet. Nobody is allowed to say Chipotle wrong to me, from now on! Woot!

Retro Re-post: Chain Letters

2007-03-16T10:42:00.000-05:00

I'm doing a retro re-post today, because of a CHAIN LETTER I received this morning. The letter told me if I forwarded the email to 20 people, some computer company would send me a new laptop for a PR stunt. Oh Lord, save me from stupid. Since it was my girlfriend's mother who sent it to me, I couldn't really lay into her for sending me a chain letter, like I would if one of my friends did it. So instead I will vent to my bloggerverse buddies via a previous post I did, back in the day. Enjoy.

*************************************************************************************

There are certain things in this world that piss me off to the point of crazy. Mostly, it involves the stupidity of other people and their desire to rub their dumb off onto me like some sort of infectious disease. I feel it is my duty to share my rage with the world, in the hopes that at least one person will be saved from the onslaught of retarded people who try to pull us down to their level of lame on a daily basis. They can’t be stopped, but at least they can be avoided with some careful maneuvering.

Today’s stupid people rant will be about CHAIN LETTERS.

I hate chain letters. I hate them in the face. I hate them so much, that every time one of my “intelligent” friends or loved ones forwards one on to me, I lose a little bit more faith in my society, and its system of social evolution.

How can a person who considers themselves to be a smart member of our society really believe that there are African princes out there who are trying to give away their fortune for the low price of $199.95? How do these people not fall down more often?

Here is the chain letter that I received this morning, along with the explanation as to why it’s bogus.

It really makes my butt itch, when my friends and family send this crap to me. I shake my fists to the skies and curse the person who started the chain, and pray that they do not have the physiological capacity for reproduction so they cannot burden us with their idiocy any longer. National Blood Initiation Day? Fucking lame. So lame, it limps. How could somebody I know fall for this crap?

The thing that really gets me about chain letters, is that it dupes smart people into believing them. Once a smart person starts to believe a dumb person, it’s all over for our way of life. The fabric will start to unravel, and our world falls into chaos. Chain letters do nothing but spread the “stupid disease”, and cause intelligent people to run out and do stupid things. How many people do you know who ran out and bought a home generator and a year’s supply of food before Y2K? Do you know how lame that was? UBER LAME. I guarantee some idiot hacker thought it would be funny to start some sort of anti-information chain letter about how the world is going to explode when Y2K happens and it caused a ton of smart people to buy into his bullshit and cause panic in the streets.

Argh.

The problem with chain letters, is that they never make it sound too fake. They give you just enough bullshit, wrapped with some truth in the hopes that you will buy into the lie and forward the letter and infect more people with the hoax. I’ve decided that aliens are going to take over our planet, and they’re trying to make as many of us turn stupid before the invasion as they can. Their weapon? Chain letters filled with bogus information and crap to make our brains shrink up and die within our skulls.

So, for my friends and family, who I love and protect…let me clear a few things up for you, in regards to chain mail:

-95% of all chain emails you receive are bogus. Accept this as fact, and you’ll be fine.

-There are no princes in Africa that are willing to give you $100,000 if you buy them a plane ticket to Florida on your credit card.

-No matter how many people you forward an email to, there will never be a video that pops up to reward you afterwards….ever.

-Big companies like Microsoft, Subway, Ford, Starbucks, etc. will never send out a chain letter that says something along the lines of “please forward this to 100 people and we’ll give you money” . This will never happen.

-Abstinence from chain emails is the only way to be safe.

-No matter how many people’s names are on an email chain, it will never: drop the price of gasoline, withdraw our troops from Iraq, or save a life.

-If the police are worried about something that is a threat to you, they will not rely on email chains to inform you. They’ll do something crazy like…make a public announcement, or involve your local news team.

-If the email contains the words “This is not fake!” or “This is for real” then you can be positive that it IS fake and that it is NOT real.

Hopefully, somebody out there will read this and change their ways. With any luck, the next time one of you receives a chain email that makes some ridiculous claim and uses buzz words and official looking data, you’ll know the truth and do the right thing…delete it and then beat the person who sent it to you over the head with a rubber chicken.

We must fight the stupidity, people. We must put a stop to this spread of dumb that is seeping into our brains through idiotic crap like chain letters!!! Fight the spread! Stop the insanity!

Now please forward this to at least 10 people, so we can save Timmy's life and then a video will pop up on your screen. Don't forget to send me $19.95 so we can cure cancer.

Bas Rutten Street Self Defense

2007-03-14T09:42:00.000-05:00

This guy fucking scares me.

He also makes me laugh.

It's pretty twisted.

I'm not sure why...he just cracks me up, in general. Of course...if he's reading this post he might think I'm laughing AT him. No...no, HELL no. I'm laughing WITH you, sir. Please don't punch me in the spleen.

Enjoy.

Fucking Monday

2007-03-12T08:12:00.000-05:00

I hate Mondays.

I think most people hate Mondays. Garfield* hated Mondays, and he was a fat cartoon cat...so that means Mondays totally suck balls, if a cartoon hates it. Because cartoons are smarter than humans, and cats doubly so.

Today's Monday is especially nasty for me, for two reasons:

1. I only got 3 hours of sleep

2. I'm sick

Now, you might be asking yourselves "Shanshu, why the hell are you at work today? It's Monday, and you're sick! Plus, you must be tired!"

Well, I'll tell you.

Friday I called in to work and told them I wasn't coming in. Something about my grandmother being in an accident and having her spleen injured or some such shit...I was lying. I didn't feel like going in to work and doing nothing and being bored and it was such a nice day out, I totally played hooky.

It was awesome.

I went and saw the early showing of 300, which is the best movie I've seen in a long, long time. I'll probably go see it again, too. It was that good. If you haven't seen it yet, you're totally missing out.

I also went shopping on Friday. I spent $132 on a new pair of jeans and 2 tee shirts. I felt faint afterwards, but my friends have assured me that this is "grown up" shopping and in no way insane. If you had told me a year ago that I would spend $80 on a pair of fucking jeans I would have told you to blow off, fashion whore! No way would I do that.

I totally did that.

They are the most comfortable, good looking jeans I've ever had. I might name them, and keep them in a special drawer, or something. Maybe "Mr. Pantastico".

Later that night, I had some friends over and we played the Nintendo Wii. That was so much fun, I think I might have to go buy one now. Sers'ly. After the Wii fest, we went to bars and got drunk and got hit on and it was fun.

So Friday was fun. I loved it.

Then last night, I start feeling sick. Oh, shit. Oh, shit shit SHIT! No, not sick!

Yep, totally sick. This sucks on many levels. First of all, I was sick like...a month ago. This is totally bullshit that I'm sick again! I told the universe so, last night. It didn't care. I'm still fucking sick.

So I can't use a sick day today because I already used one on FRIDAY for my little hooky-sick grandmother-adventure day and if I burn another day away, my boss will get irritated and suspicious.

So here I sit. It sucks. Please show me pity.

*Totally random blog: I was searching for a picture of Garfield, and I ran across THIS blog. How appropriate is that?

Sweep the Leg

2007-03-08T08:19:00.000-06:00

Best. Video. Ever.

I'm a child of the 80's, and I'm totally proud of that fact. The movies, music, and clothing styles that surfaced in the 80's were totally radical and might even be considered bossanova. We loved our slap bracelets and jelly shoes and poofy hair, and we loved wearing neon colors with spandex and leg warmers. It was just too cool for school.

One of my favorite movies as a kid growing up was The Karate Kid.

Duh. We all loved that movie. Anybody who says they didn't like the Karate Kid is either a communist, or lying. The movie rocked. It was the poster child for 80's cinema and we all loved it.

Guess what? Somebody made a video about The Karate Kid!!!! I shit you not.

The group is called No More Kings and the video is called "Sweep the Leg".

I love this video. You'll notice that the main "star" of the video who plays "Johnny" from the movie is ACTUALLY the actor who played Johnny Lawrence in the movie. His name is William Zabka, and he starred in a few films other than The Karate Kid movies.

Go ahead. Click the IMDB link. You know you want to.

Apparantly, William Zabka wrote and directed this video, which makes it even cooler, in my opinion. There are other guest appearances by former cast members of the movie, in this video. Keep a look out for:

Rob Garrison "Tommy" "Yeah, Johnny! Get him a body bag! Yeah!"
Martin Kove “Sensei John Kreese” "Sweep the leg. You have a problem with that?"

And at the end, the man himself: Ralph Macchio “Daniel LaRusso”

Here is the video. Check it out. Enjoy. Just don't go tight-roll your jeans when you're done.

Cobra Kai never dies!

I am a Comment Whore

2007-03-06T07:57:00.000-06:00

I'm not sure why, but I look forward to reading comments posted on my blog. It's like they give me meaning, or something. With each comment I receive, a little part of my soul begins to flutter anew with feelings of joy and anticipation. It is as if each comment brings forth a piece of popularity and acknowledgement that only comes from knowing that people really like you.

Fucking lame, I know.

I can't help it, though. I love to get comments because they give me warm fuzzies. I know that it doesn't make me any more cool or increase my blogger popularity...well, maybe a little bit. If I never got a single comment I'm sure that would place me in the front of the blogger bus and that would suck because then the blogger bus driver would talk to me and the other blogger kids would start to make fun of me because I would be "in love with the blogger bus driver".

That's when the blogger depression starts, and it's a dark place to go to.

*shudder*

I need comments. I thrive on them. I constantly find myself checking my blog for new comments so I can read them and feel special. Some of that stems from me being bored at work on a semi-daily basis...but some of it stems from my desire to be liked.

Kinda like this scene from The Big Hit :

Melvin: I can't stand the thought of anyone not liking me, okay! There, I said it! The thought of either one of those girls not liking me is more than I can stand, okay?
Cisco: Melvin, pal...the hundred or so people you've murdered over the past five years probably have relatives that don't think too highly of you.

Granted, I haven't killed anybody lately so this isn't exactly a window into my life...but you get the idea. I want to be liked and wanted and thought about. I want to leave my mark and I want people to miss me when I am gone. I want to be loved, dammit!

I had a puppy once. He didn't love me. He ran away the first chance he got. I'm hoping to get a comment from him someday telling me he's sorry. Or at least telling me how he's doing.

He's probably dead, though. Little runaway fucker.

Anyhoo. I like comments. Today I'm in a comment mood, so I'm going to be a comment whore. That's right, I'm going to post something now that I hope motivates you to post a comment and give me those warm fuzzies I am longing for.

TELL ME A SECRET

I want to know secrets. I am in a mood today where I want to learn more about people. Your secret can be anything...sex, work, breaking the law, drugs, sex, fights, drama, cheating, sex, your top score on Tetris...whatever. Just make it interesting.

I'll start, since it's my game.

My secret: I was offered a threesome recently and I'm not sure how to bring this up in conversation with my girlfriend.

Shhhh. Don't tell anybody. It's a secret!

Now, post YOUR secrets in the comments section!!! Don't be shy...nobody knows who you are, anyway. Or if they do, post something they already know about so you don't feel so open and naked.

Secrets are fun! Join the fun! Post your secret!

Angelina Jolie is Building an Adopted Army!!

2007-03-02T08:22:00.000-06:00

Angelina Jolie has recently filed the papers necessary to adopt yet another little orphan child. Where did she file them? In Vietnam, of course!

Apparently, the scores of orphan children in the United States do not interest her royal boobness, for she has chosen once again to steal some random child from some random orphanage from a place as far away from her own home as possible.

Read the story here.

Do I have a problem with adoption?
No.

Do I have a problem with adoption from foreign countries?
No.

Do I have a problem with pretentious, morally ambiguous celebrities getting media attention by trying to solve the worlds' problems (while ignoring the problems in their own backyard) while attempting to make themselves appear as generous and saintly as Mother Teresa?
Yes.

I just don't get it. Who the hell does she think she is? When did Angelina become such a wannabe angel? Did she just wake up one day and say, "I'm tired of getting divorced and screwing other women’s husbands and drinking blood and getting random tattoos in languages I can't read...I should start adopting babies from third world countries. Later on, I'll have a salad...with blood on it."

See, I'm torn here. Part of me is glad that there will be one less child who grows up a hard life, digging for food out of a dumpster in some dirty alley in the middle of Ho Chi Minh City. But then the other part of me is filled with rage about the fact that some flighty, holier-than-thou, mock-scholar wannabe, dirty slut has the right to just start snatching up babies whenever the whim hits her.

Hey, Angelina? There are orphans here in the US, who need help too. Maybe every 3rd baby you adopt should be local. Give it a try, spice things up. See where the wind takes your soul, or whatever.

It gives me a mad-on.

I think the main problem, is that I've known girls like Angelina my whole life. Oh, yes I have. They think they are SO in tune with the world around them, that they and ONLY they, have the power and the clarity of soul to be able to truly view the universe as it is meant to be, and fix it. They are the same ones who claim to see tragedy all around them, and a desire to help...while ignoring the fact that psychologically speaking, they are easier to read than a non-Cambodian tattoo.

"Maybe, since I had a strange childhood and I'm not in touch with who I am as a person, and since I have daddy issues and a so far unanalyzed need to whore, I should attempt to fill the void in my heart with other things that will make me feel like a better person, while I ignore the true issues that plague my spirit and cause me madness. Perhaps, if I were to stop doing all these attention-grabbing things, I could start to really see myself, and make changes. I could learn to view the world better and...ah, screw it. I'll just get a new tattoo and adopt a baby. Then I'll love me again."

Piffle.

Besides my personal opinion on the matter, I'm sure many people feel that Angelina Jolie is a great humanitarian and a world leader and a joy to all helpless little orphan babies everywhere.

But you haven't heard my theory yet.

See, I think Angelina is tired of Hollywood and all of its bullshit. She's ready to implement her long thought-out plan for world domination and universal control of all creatures. With her magnificent boobage leading the way, she will strike fear into the hearts of the wicked and humble down the righteous in an ever-changing purifying fire that will cleanse the land and make way for her new race of super babes.

How will she do this? Simple: start an international army of orphan babies!

It's true. Angelina Jolie has secretly begun to raise an army, and soon she will unleash her hordes onto the unsuspecting populace. She already has three, and soon she will have one more. Her internationally plentiful cornucopia of orphan babies is on the rise, and it's almost dinner time.

She has a Cambodian orphan.
She has an Ethiopian orphan.
Soon she will have a new model Vietnamese orphan.

Those are the child ingredients needed to make "Apocalypse Soup", according to the book of magic sitting on my desk. Or, I'm reading too much into my TPS report. Either way, it's an omen, I'm guessing. A baby-gathering omen of doom.

Look at the facts! Check out the map:

The red dots and circles indicate where her sphere of influence already stretches. Her little orphan babies will soon adopt more orphan babies from still more countries, until eventually she will own half the world.

Then it's world domination time. Trust me, I've played Risk before...I know how it goes. She's already got footholds started. Once she takes Australia, it's all downhill.

Oh, you watch. I'm totally right on this one.

Heed my warnings! See the signs! Make ready your cattle and tend to your flock! Armageddon is almost upon us!

Goddamn...she is friggin' hot, though. Cripes.

CLAPTER: Word Sin or Genius?

2007-02-28T09:28:00.000-06:00

I’ve always thought that certain words are lame, like the word lighted. I think the word lit makes much more sense, and it sounds better off the tongue. I don’t think I could ever say “Today I walked into the lighted corridor searching for the door to the bathroom”. I just think that sounds stupid. I think it sounds much more accurate to say “Today I walked down the lit corridor searching for the door to the bathroom”…don’t you?

Maybe not, but I do...and this is my blog…so nah.

Sometimes I even make up words, without knowing it. It’s like my brain understands all the rules and decides what would sound better in a given situation. It just creates a word, and then fires it along the neurons and pathways until it reaches my ever so gentle lips and spews it forth like it was lit from within me.

I once told a friend that he should listen to the sounds the crowd was making at a sporting event. I think the conversation went something like this:

Me: Do you hear that? Hear the beat?
PJ: What beat? You mean the crowd?
Me: Yeah, the crowd. They’re clapping. Hear that?
PJ: Yes. What of it?
Me: Listen to the rhythm. The clapter of the crowd has a rhythm to it. Weird.
PJ: Whoa, whoa…what?
Me: What?
PJ: Did…did you just say “clapter”?
Me: Yes?
PJ: What the hell is clapter?
Me: You know…the clapter…of the crowd. The sound it makes when you slap your hands together.
PJ: You mean “clapping”.
Me: No, clapter. It’s totally a word.
PJ: Um…no it’s not.
Me: Um…yes it is.
PJ: …
Me: When you hear somebody laughing, you say “I hear laughter.” It’s like the noun form of the word “laughing”. Same thing with clapping…clapter is a noun derivation.
PJ: Dude, it is *so* not a word.
Me: Whatever, yes it is!
PJ: Do you want me to get a fucking dictionary?
Me: Fine! Prove me right, bitch!

(PJ gets a dictionary)

PJ: Show me clapter.
Me: Ok.

(me searching dictionary)

Me: … Huh. I’ll be damned, it’s not in here.
PJ: HA! Fucking told you so!
Me: Are you sure this dictionary is current?
PJ: What? Shut up. Clapter isn’t a word. Deal with it.
Me: Crap.

Ever since that event, I have done my best to convince people I’m right. I think the word totally makes sense. If you can say “laughter” why can’t you say “clapter” ? It makes no sense to me, that you can’t use that word.

Clapter should be a fucking word. I even have the definition as it should be printed in the dictionary:

Clapter (‘klap-t&r)
Function: Noun
Etymology: New English, from clapping derivation. No Old English roots.
1: a sound of or as if of clapping
1a: a sound of or as if of clapping, pl.
2: to show approval through the use of slapping one’s hands together

See that shit? It totally works.

I think clapter makes sense as a word. I think that it’s a conspiracy that it isn’t. Who makes up these rules, anyway? Who decided that it was ok to say “lighted” or “lit” interchangeably, but that “clapter” is a word sin?

Fuck that. Clapter should be a word.

I will bring as many people to my way of thinking as I can, and someday…you watch…it will be in the damn dictionary. PJ told me he's told this story before, and the results have been about 50/50 so far. That means that half of the people he's told this to are on my side.

Our numbers grow!

CLAPTER FOR LIFE!

Random Monday Wacky!

2007-02-26T13:22:00.000-06:00

Random News Article: I just found this article title funny. I didn't even read it.

Random Soft Porn: A Japanese girl with large assets playing in the local creek...or something.

Random Thought: "If you were to tattoo a vampire with a cross, would it constantly burn?"

Random Item on my Desk: A 3 fluid oz. bottle of Jergens Ultra Healing lotion.

Random Fact About Pickles: Cucumber pickling is almost universally done through a brine fermentation process. Ripe cucumbers are selected, washed and salted thoroughly, and then added to a brine solution for a number of weeks. Vinegar, sugar and spices can be added to the process, depending on the technique used.

Random Memory From Childhood: When I was a child living in Texas, it snowed one day. This was such a rare thing, and I was very excited. I went outside to build a snowman like I had always seen on TV or in the movies. Since the snow didn't really accumulate too much, my snowman was a sort of a half-snow, half-dirt concoction. On top of that, the temperature rose too high that day and so he started to melt about halfway through the process, and began to lean towards the left. Finally, as if the universe were trying to teach me a lesson, a neighborhood dog came running up and tackled my poor snowman...then he peed on it...then he stole my mother's scarf and ran away.

Random Thing Overheard at the Supermarket: "Do we have any sugar at home? Yes, we do, remember? Because we used some on your penis yesterday."

Random Song Stuck in My Head: "The Gift" by Seether

Jedi After-School Special

2007-02-23T14:24:00.000-06:00

I had to share this video. Please watch...it could save a young Jedi's life.

Thank you.

The Universe Thinks We Are Crazy

2007-02-22T09:46:00.000-06:00

The universe is laughing at us.

Why? Because we are stupid. We are stupid, insecure, frightened monkeys with too much free time and not enough outlets for sexual tension and aggressive behavior. We constantly find new ways to torture ourselves because we are bored, and we come up with different ways to torture each other on a daily basis. Our favorite way to make life difficult for one another is the law.

We love to manipulate the law to our own liking. Anything that can remotely offend a person is illegal…or it’s going to be illegal…or it’s on its way to being illegal right now.

In fact, saying the word “obberpunkz” is probably illegal. I bet the police are coming to get me right now, so I’d better type fast.

Things have gotten so bad in this country in regards to laws and rules and litigious behavior, that people are afraid to take any action in any situation, for fear of doing something wrong. Why should I help that old lady cross the street? She might charge me with assault or something. See that burning building? There’s people inside burning to death. We should call the fire department and not do anything else to help because we might be charged with “invading a scene of danger” or criminal trespassing.

I joke. You laugh…but I’m not too far off the mark.

There are so many rules and so many different ways to manipulate a given situation, that is almost impossible to know with any degree of certainty what is acceptable, and what is not. If you had asked me yesterday if throwing a cup of ice (a paper cup, mind you) at a person would land me in jail for 2 years…I would tell you to go fuck yourself. There is no way that would happen.

How wrong I was.

Woman Sentanced to Two Years For Ice "Missle"

How can a person be sentenced to 2 years in a federal prison for tossing a cup of ice into somebody else’s car? That is a kind of crazy I didn’t know was possible in this world. It sounds like something out of a Nazi training manual.

“Nein! You vill not throw ze ice cup anymore! 2 years in ze prison camp. Schnell!”

Still don't see the crazy? So tell me this. When did this country become so afraid of its own shadow, that doing something such as attempting to help a rape victim is grounds for prison time?

Man Arrested After Mistaking Porn for Rape

Our laws have lost all common sense, and have become out of control.

Did you know, that if a man breaks into your house and tries to stab your children while they sleep…and you catch him in the act and break his arm…he can sue you? Did you also know that he actually has a good chance of winning said lawsuit? Is that justice? I call it insanity on an epic scale. When I hear stuff like that, I try to wake up from the nightmare that is called “real life” because it sucks.

God, the universe, and everything are looking at us and saying, “What a bunch of fucking retards down there. Seriously, check this out. Hey, Pluto! Quit pouting about that plant demotion crap, and get over here! Look at what these morons are doing now! Bring a camera.”

We have got to be the laughing stock of the cosmos, and deservedly so.

Use your common sense. Follow your heart. See the world for the crazy that it is.

So Sick of Britney Spears and Her Shit

2007-02-21T08:28:00.000-06:00

Britney Spears has checked into rehab.

Whoop-de-fucking-doo.

Britney Spears has checked into a clinic, and I have officially decided that these are the end days. You know why? Because it seems like all I see on the news lately are celebrities being stupid, or dying, or showing their love pudding, or shaving their heads, or doing one of a hundred other stupid, attention-seeking activities that are sure to land them on the front page of any trashy celebrity magazine or even the respectable news reporting agencies.

I mean, seriously. Who really gives a shit about Britney Spears anymore? I don’t…that’s obvious. But how many of you actually care that she is checking herself into a rehabilitation “clinic”?

I used quotation marks to illustrate the point that I don’t believe Ms. Spears is in a real medical clinic to treat addictive disorders such as alcoholism. It’s probably more like a health spa complete with a recording studio and a Swedish guy who rubs her girlie parts while she forgets to raise her child for a few weeks. I’m sure she’s *so* upset at her recent behavior and she’s seeking help, even as we speak.

If you honestly believe that, please come to my house later so I can show you a 6 inch elephant with a 3 foot penis.

Remember when Britney was young and cute and popular?

I totally do. I remember the first time Britney was popular. She was in that hot little outfit and she was singing…some kind of song, I don’t remember because I was too busy trying to figure out if she was old enough to have dirty thoughts about while I masturbated to her video on MTV.

Then she was hot for awhile, in that sexy cute, innocent bend-me-over-my-homework kind of way, but then things changed, and she grew up and got trashier and then tried the whole “I’m a sex goddess” thing like Madonna did…except at least Madonna had the decency to show her boobs.

Then came the period where we forgot about her. It was a good time, filled with joy. I’m pretty sure during this time, we cured several diseases and reached farther into the universe to learn more about the cosmos and ourselves and then oh my God Britney Spears is driving with her baby in the front seat.

Crap. She’s back.

Then came the publicity again. Then the news articles on CNN abashing her behavior, while at the same time hoping for more so they had something new to report and hopefully draw in “the young crowd”.

Then she got drunk. Then she partied. Then she stopped raising her baby. Then she showed her cooter. Then she shaved her head. Now she’s in rehab.

Yawn. Groan. Hack. Puke.

I’m so fucking sick of this crap. If I were to get drunk and shave my head and put my baby at risk and get drunk again and show my dick to the world and then say “can I check into rehab so we can forget all that bad shit I did?” the police would laugh at me all the way to the jail, and there would be nobody to bail me out because my friends would all hate me for being such a moron.

Yet somehow, Britney and others like her get away with whatever they want to because the American public is insane.

Super.

Can’t wait to see what she does next. Oh, and did I mention how much I don’t care about her shit anymore? I don’t think I can stress that enough.

I’m so sick of her shit. I hope she rots in that “clinic” and we all forget her.

***UPDATE***

What a surprise...Britney didn't even last a full day. Shocker!

Click here for article

Amazon.Com Sends a Reply

2007-02-20T09:51:00.000-06:00

Thanks for writing to us at Amazon.com!

We apologize for any frustration you've experienced. It is certainly
not our intention for our customer to have anything but a pleasant
experience at Amazon.com.

If an item is listed as "Usually ships in 4 to 6 weeks," that means
it usually takes up to that long to package the item and prepare it
for shipment. Occasionally, it can take longer. The delivery time
is not the same as the availability estimate.

To calculate the total delivery time, add this availability estimate
to the transit time for the shipping method you choose:

(Availability) + (Shipping Time) = Total Delivery Time

As you may know, we have several fulfillment centers across the U.S.,
and the items in your order may sometimes be in stock at different
locations. When you place your order, we estimate your ship date
based on the proximity of inventory to the delivery address you
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The estimated date of shipment will be displayed on the order form at
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Amazon.com Customer Service

Gee thanks, you fuckers. You bascially told me I'm screwed, but did it in a semi-business like manner. Awesome. And thanks for telling me that there is literally nothing you can do about how long YOU take to ship out an item. Makes me feel all warm inside. They might as well have said, "PS: You are never going to get this item, so please stop trying."

Well screw you, Amazon.com! I didn't want the fucking calendar, anyway.

My Email to Amazon.Com

2007-02-19T08:10:00.000-06:00

Dear Amazon.com,

This is the third time I have attempted to purchase this order for the 2007 Far Side Desk Calendar: The Secret Lives of Animals, and it is subsequently the third time I have cancelled the order. Every time I try to order this item (which I have been trying to do for some time now) the expected shipping date is up to 60 days away!!!!

I have never had something take so long to ship before, and I am curious to know why this is? I love using Amazon but if this shipping problem is a new trend, I'll have to do my online shopping somewhere else, I'm afraid. 2 months wait for a DESK CALENDAR is ridiculous.

I just wanted to call this to attention. I know nobody cares, and I doubt anybody will even read this. But I wanted to do it, for my own peace of mind. I've tried to buy this desk calendar in stores but have had no luck. And now, I can't even buy it online because the wait is so long it'll be 2008 before I get it, which doesn't help me.

I know I'm probably screwed, and that is fine, I guess. I'll just have to go to Office Depot and get some lame schedule planner calendar with no funny pictures or anything to keep my interest. Just a dull planner with nothing but sadness and boredom to offer me.

Anyway, just thought you folks at Amazon.com would be interested to know that I am having drama, and there is no calendar at my desk, and I sit in this cubicle with no joy in my life.

Thanks for your time.

PS: Shanshu is in a blog tournament! I think this idea is cool and the fact that I am even a part of it gets me all hot and bothered in my nethers.

So...be sure to check it out over at Ookami Snow's place and see what you think. And if you feel like leaving a "Shanshu should win his first pairing" comment...that would be ok, too.

:)

So Sick of Hearing About Anna Nicole Smith

2007-02-16T09:48:00.000-06:00

Anna Nicole Smith passed away.

That sucks.

She died under bizarre circumstances.

Not really.

But maybe she was over medicated?

Maybe. Why does it matter?

It's a tragedy! It's unfair!

Yes, that's what death always is. Deal with it. Why do you care so much, anyway?

Because...because she's a celebrity and because her life was cool and because she died!

You're a sheep. Baaaaah!

Seriously, why is this getting so much media attention? The way people are going on and on about this, you would think this was a huge conspiracy, or something that affected the world economy or a viral pandemic that threatened our way of life...something monumental and important.

Why do people care so much about celebrities? I mean, seriously...why the fuck do they get so much attention, no matter what they do? They can be a horrible person who has the mental capacity of a grapefruit, and people swoon over their every pathetic step. People care about what they eat, where they live, what they wear, who they date, when they go to the bathroom, what they wear to the beach...OMG get a fucking life!

I myself could give two shits about celebrities. I don't care who they are divorcing or which rehabilitation clinic they have checked in to, or who is the father of their babies...I don't care. I see them all as pretentious, self-involved losers who spend too much time patting themselves on the back in an effort to feel more self-involved and special in their own little bizarro world. I don't care about their views on religion, or politics, or social problems. I don't think they have any special knowledge or views on the world that are any better than anybody else's.

I do not believe a celebrity can vote better than me. They do not have an inherent wisdom in regards to poverty, disease, or economics. They do not affect world events or political decisions or global conflicts. They are not helping to further the human race.

They are born. They live. They die. Just like me. They are not fucking special.

Anna Nicole Smith bugged me, anyway. She was a stripper who met a rich rich RICH man who fell into her bullshit and made her a rich rich RICH stripper. She was a Playboy model, which is cool, but she wasn't anything more than that, to me. She did a couple of AWFUL movies that made my hair hurt, and then she got fat...then skinny...then drugged up...then clean...then she died.

What a great career she had, too. Hollywood was her true calling, I think. Here is a video clip of the "outtakes" from her movie Skyscraper. It's probably the worst movie ever, and her being naked a lot doesn't save it. Check out her "acting" below:

Did you ever watch her reality show? She was an annoying, mentally fucked up, big breasted lady who couldn't tell you the capital of Texas (it's Austin, by the way) even though she lived there. She was annoying and she was trashy and everytime she talked, she made us all want to punch babies.

Her "show" got horrible ratings and we all made fun of her and most of us hated her and then she dies and all of the sudden it's a horrible, awful thing and we're all so sad about it and talking about how much we miss her.

Puke.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not happy that Anna Nicole Smith died. It's never fun to hear about someone dying young, especially suddenly. It's shocking and it's upsetting and it sucks. But it doesn't deserve all this attention, either.

Everyday I visit CNN and everyday I see something about Anna Nicole Smith on there. Autopsy results, legal battles, custody disputes...and now judges ordering embalming procedures.

Now...I'm not a doctor, or a mortician. But I'm pretty sure that you don’t need a JUDGE to order your body to be embalmed after you die. In fact, I'm pretty sure a judge isn't involved with ANYTHING relating to your death, unless you are murdered or something. Why the fuck is a judge taking a personal interest in this death?

Because it's Anna Nicole Smith, and she's a celebrity, and blah blah blah.

I understand the custody battle aspect of this whole case, I really do. There's money to be had, and family members who want it, and lovers who want a piece of the pie. But keeping her body on ice all this time is We Todd Did and it's disgusting and it's bullshit.

I'm so sick of hearing about it, to be honest. She's dead and it sucks, but seriously...stop talking about it. I don't think it's news worthy of front-page status, and I certainly don't think it's more important or world-affecting as say....other news.

Kansas vs. Evolution

2007-02-14T08:28:00.000-06:00

Finally! No more insanity.

Kansas Brings Evolution Back to Schools

For many moons now, living in Kansas has been annoying only in the sense that so many people found it frustrating that the state decided to outlaw teaching evolution in classrooms, as it was just a "theory" and had no place in a place of learning. So no Big Bang, no humans evolved from the primordial ooze...nada.

Of course, many of us saw the benefit of teaching BOTH theories on the creation of the universe, and said so. Kansas Board of Education said NO, and the people of Kansas have gotten shit ever since.

Now, don't get me wrong. I think stuff like the clip above are friggin hilarious and I'm glad that residents of Kansas such as myself were able to tell the world that we didn't vote for this crap. I mean, religion and science have always been at war, and most of those battles have been fought within the walls of our classrooms. But to suddenly not allow one or the other will always cause problems and create anger and blah blah blah. You get the idea.

So anyway, without being preachy or without trying to start a debate, I can say I am very happy with Kansas' decision to bring back Evolution in schools. Hatred and repression only causes more problems, and we have to all learn to get along.

Now we just need to figure out a way to keep teachers from fucking our students.

Exploratory Committees and Why They Suck

2007-02-07T13:47:00.000-06:00

Speaking of nothing whatsoever, and having no segue way into this of any kind, I was thinking about how completely lame the term “Presidential Exploratory Committee” is. I mean, what the fuck does that phrase have to do with running for President? Seriously…it makes no damn sense. Examine the words:

Presidential: Having to do with, or relating to the Presidency and/or decisions related to said position.

Exploratory: (adj.) Having to do with the act of exploration. To discover new things. To investigate, study, or analyze.

Committee: A group of people who consider, investigate, take action on, or report on a situation or decision.

So, when a person says they have made the decision to form a Presidential Exploratory Committee, are they trying to say that they have formed a group of people to investigate or study the current President? Or are they trying to say that they have formed a group of people to explore or study the act of making presidential decisions or actions? It’s possible that they are saying that they are currently heading up a committee to examine and explore the potential idea for a Presidential campaign to be run sometime in the near future, and that their committee will most likely end up coming to the conclusion that their candidate is the best person qualified for said presidential position.

Or perhaps they are just so full of shit they make up phrases, and want to sound more important than they really are. I bet THAT is the real reason.

Fucking lame.

The best part is, this shows me how full of shit EVERY SINGLE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE is, since they all started doing this at the same time. I may be wrong, but I don't recall anybody heading up an "exploratory committee" the last time we voted for a President. That tells me, that one person started doing it recently and then they ALL started doing it, for fear of being outdone or left behind. Like they are so special or smart for using bullshit phrases and expressions to make themselves seem more important, or something?

Double fucking lame.

Now if you excuse me, I have to form a solitary task force whose mission statement revolves around the intended uses of indoor plumbing with the use of porcelain receptacles.

PS: It's my birthday today. Oh, whatever. Don't pretend to give a shit. I'm well aware that a person's birthday is of very little importance to very many people other than the person actually celebrating their birth. For the rest of us, saying "Happy Birthday" has become nothing more than a automatic response, like saying "God bless you" when somebody sneezes.

Superbowl Snack Day

2007-02-05T14:41:00.000-06:00

So here I sit, the day after the Superbowl Snack Day in my corporate cubicle hell waiting for the trans-fat coma to subside so I can move my legs again. I know that the Superbowl is similar to Thanksgiving except with nothing but fatty, cholesterol saturated, heart-attack inducing foods rather than turkey and stuffing. People go crazy with the junk food on Superbowl Sunday, and I see nothing wrong with that. Traditions should be maintained and past events should be commemorated…but my dear God in heaven, I’m pretty sure I had a mini-heart attack last night with all the crap I shoveled into my mouth in an effort to avoid nutrition at all costs.

Bean dip, spin dip, nachos, bratwurst, beer, Rotel dip, black pepper jack chips…there was a plethora of hip-jiggling food concoctions in my apartment last night to make all of us in attendance feel as fat and lazy and certain girls who injure themselves while trying to do simple tasks. At one point, I found myself debating whether or not to get up off the couch in order to refill my plate full of artery-clogging devices, or remain seated and try to save my dignity by eating a carrot instead.

I decided the best thing to do would be to get up off the couch and have some exercise in order to burn off the calories I was about to ingest from eating more bean dip.

Holy shit. Holy, holy, holy shit. We ate too much crap last night. I should probably eat nothing but lettuce with a side order of air tonight for dinner, but I’m sure I won’t do that because I’m stupid and apparently I hate my heart this weekend.

The wurst part of this whole thing, is that I have leftovers in the fridge. Nobody who came by last night and pigged out with me took any food home with them. They left it all to me and my will power.

Fuckers.

I thought about bringing the bags of chips and dips and hip-cancer foods here to the office so I could spread the fat around to my bitchy office-mates and co-workers. But then I realized that would require me to pack up a sack full of crap and bring it to work and serve it. That’s like…work. Screw that. Plus, I figure there are so many fatties here in cubicle hell, that odds are they would devour said food and be grateful for the chance to stuff their faces without feeling judged. They would have looks of ecstatic joy on their faces with each cheese-filled salty bite.

Well, I can’t stomach the idea of those bitches being happy. So I’ll keep my junk food at home in the dark, where it belongs.

On the plus side, I know that when I’m at the gym tonight running my ass off in an effort to quell the bulging protrusions of skin that is sure to accompany a day of snacking, I’ll feel better knowing that I was able to participate in the Superbowl Snacking Day without serious injury or any long-term effects.

Oh, and since many other people are doing this...I am going to copy them. Here are my favorite Superbowl Commercials, in no particular order:

Blog Surfing

2007-01-31T13:17:00.000-06:00

I like to surf.

No, I’m not referring to the subtle science and exact art that is gliding on water while standing precariously on a wooden board coated in wax while fighting off fish that bite. I refer simply to the act of quickly changing visual stimuli in rapid succession with no immediate goal in mind. An example of this is channel surfing. I enjoy to lazily sit on the couch while clicking through the channels in an effort to find something to watch to occupy my time. Trouble is, sometimes I find that I am having more fun simply watching the random images that flash by on the screen, than I do when watching an entire program.

So sometimes I find myself mindlessly channel surfing, while somehow keeping my mind focused enough to actually determine what is going on in each brief television flash. It’s almost as if my brain can press together the seconds I spend staring at the channel and come up with a conclusion about what we are seeing. So it almost feels like I’m watching 65 stations at the same time. Good brain workout, I think. Or maybe it’s making me stupid. Either way, I think it’s fun every now and then.

I do this with other forms of stimuli, other than the television. Today, I did this with other blogs. Yep, Blog Surfing. I bet you didn't see that coming, did you? Unless you read the title, of course. You know that button at the top right of your Blogger page that says “Next Blog”? Well sometimes I click on that button and check out the blogs that pop up. I never spend time actually reading them for very long...I just glimpse at them quickly to get an idea about them, and see if my subconscious brain is able to determine if it is a blog I would enjoy on a regular basis. Most of the time, my brain just makes shit up.

Here are today’s results, in order:

http://reflectionofhim.blogspot.com/
This blog seems to be a religious blog. At first glance, it seemed like a cult website or something. I didn’t read further (because that would defeat the purpose of blog-surfing) to see if it was a legit blog or a freaky cult one, so for now I’m sticking with my cult idea because it is more fun. Besides, it doesn’t matter anyway.
For shame, cultists! Don’t drink the punch! It’s laced with rat poison! No enlightenment through body mortification for you! Read a book.

http://efze.blogspot.com/
This seems to just be a blog about pictures. I scanned through them briefly. Seemed very dark and morbid and sad, to me. Then I noticed that the words weren’t in English. My God! It’s some sort of crazy alien blog! They take pictures of random buildings and nature in order to study our…habits of…..er…having feelings…towards…parks. Yeah, maybe it’s just a guy who takes a lot of pictures.

http://eemvds.blogspot.com/
Wow. This person talks a LOT. They must like to talk as much as they like the letter V. The posts are Very long and haVe a nice ramble feel to them. I hate the black background because it makes me feel like I’m being sucked into some sort of blog abyss with no escape. At least the posts are very long and that is good. Vroom.

http://southernfenwayfan.blogspot.com/
Ew, a sports blog. These things bore the ever-loving shit out of me. I won't knock them, but at the same time I’m not sure what they ever have to offer that ESPN or Sports Illustrated wouldn’t have. And no pictures. Blah. I’d rather read about cults again.

http://ovcccast.blogspot.com/
Oh, my lord. It’s a blog with nothing but links to somebody else’s articles. So this is like…a blog article routing station. Actually I noticed that all of the links are supposed to be mp3’s but I haven’t heard crap, even after I clicked on a link. Then I noticed a link called “Scraping the Paint Off Jesus” and I stopped to chuckle. I’m not even going to try and figure out what that means. It’s funnier when I don’t.

http://draco703.blogspot.com/
Sweet, a Spanish blog! Lucky for me I speak Spanish. It’s not very interesting even after you translate it, though. I like the dragon. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Me llamo draco de muerte!

http://www.evangelical-catholicism.com/
Ok, seriously. What the fuck is going on? Why are there so many damn religious blogs out there? This is 3 so far, today. Unless the Spanish one was religious, too. Then it’s FOUR. I guess many people with faith now like to share that faith with the rest of the universe. Yay me. Totally fucks up my blog-surfing chi.

This is when I stopped blog-surfing. One of these days I’m hoping to come across a porn blog or something really interesting like that, to keep my attention for more than five seconds. Until then, I guess it’s nothing more than religious sites and baseball statistics. W00t.

Lazy People Have Feelings Too

2007-01-30T08:21:00.000-06:00

While we travel through life, we are sometimes blessed with the opportunity to stumble across something so interesting and comedic that we are forced to share it with the rest of the world. It doesn’t have to be hilarious, or even be funny enough to make you lol* but it is funny enough to make you giggle and wish that other people were there with you when it happened, so you could share in your new private joke.

Something like that happened to me recently.

It wasn’t a life-changing event, or even something funny enough to remember for much longer…but it was pretty damn funny at the time. I promised her I wouldn’t tell this story, but the need to share this is too powerful for me to ignore any longer. Sorry, hon…but the truth must be told.

The other day, I returned home from the gym and began drinking my Gatorade with a thirst-quenching desire that only a full cardio afternoon can invoke in a person. During this electrolyte replenishment chug-a-thon, I noticed Jen walking into the room with a slight limp in her step. She smiled and asked me how the gym was, and I told her it was fine and went back to my drink. After she limped further into the room, my curiosity got the better of me and I asked her why she was walking strange. She turned to me, and with a note of drama and sadness in her voice, informed me that she had injured her back…while getting up off the couch…to get some food.

I laughed and did that thing with my drink. You know, that thing where you pretend to choke on your drink because it adds a little bit of comedic timing and scene to the situation? I did that. Then I did a double-take and looked at her and was like “you hurt your back getting up off the couch? Oh my god you are so lazy!” and had a good laugh about it.

Here I was, returning from the gym and bettering myself in an effort to be more healthy and meanwhile, my girlfriend hurts her back while groaning herself off of the comfortable couch in order to get more food to stuff into her face. I found the situation hilarious and told her so.

Lucky for me, she didn’t get mad at me laughing at her. I think it was because she knows she isn’t out of shape, or fat, or lazy…but damn if that situation didn’t reek of “fat lazy person tries to get off couch but injuries occur” that you hear about in tabloids or self-improvement videos.

It still makes me chuckle. I’m not sure how funny she’s going to find the situation, now that I’ve shared with all 6 of my readers…but hey, my public demands entertainment.

*I’ve recently heard that some people in this world actually exist with the belief that “lol” stands for “lots of love”. If you are one of these people, please do me a favor and slap yourself across the face for not fully understanding and appreciating techy-talk.

From the Ashes...

2007-01-26T14:22:00.001-06:00

That's right...Shanshu is back again for more tales of group bunny, rants about idiots, and general humor and entertainment for the numerous blog-surfers who can find no rest or inner peace without constantly checking their favorite sites for updates!!!

I know it's been a long time since I've been around...too long, actually. But that's ok. I don't really think you will hold it against me. For starters, I'm not even sure how many people will even come check my site, since I've been gone for so long it's probable at least one of you has died in the interim...sorry about that, by the way. What's infinity like?

I wish I had a good explanation for you. You know...a tale of woe and despair that begins with a quest or decision and leads into a struggle for dominance and victory while adding in a romantic aspect and finally reaching a monumental and cathartic climax with a decrescendo of conclusions and a lesson learned?

Something like that would be nice...but I don't have one of those.

The best I can do, is say that while my life has had ups and downs and turns and interesting moments involving carpet glue and vodka, for the most part things have been boring and not really worth talking about in any great detail during my introduction post.

That's what this is, by the way. The introduction post into my new blog and the Phoenix-style rebirth that has occurred.

Since this is my first post from my sabbatical, I'm going to avoid getting into my usual rants or comedic posts involving group sex or Chinese take-out food and instead simply say that I am back, and I hope to blog more in the near future.

You may now take this opportunity to comment on my triumphant return and tell me how much you missed me, or how pissed you are at me...or just to say hello.

A Lost Cause

2006-06-13T09:01:00.000-05:00

Shanshu's Dust-Slaying Will Be Temporarily Closed Until Further Notice

...

"This is not the end. This is not the beginning of the end. This is the end of the beginning."

Omi Supply Wednesday

2006-05-31T10:01:00.000-05:00

Omi has been SO busy with work and life and changes and Tiger Woods Golf 2006 for the PS2 and school and that new chick in logistics, and his new hobbies... that he just hasn't had time to pose for Office Supply Wednesday recently. Luckily, I managed to catch him in the act of working on the new budget reports and managed to snap a quick picture.

He turned around just as I took the pic, and his ninja wrath was fierce, but still the picture remains. I win. OSW lives on!!!

Viva la Omi.

How Mario Makes Those Extra Lives...

2006-05-10T15:12:00.000-05:00

I'm Not Dead Yet!!

2006-05-08T14:40:00.000-05:00

Promise, I'm good. Everything is fine....I've just been busy and blah blah blah blah. You know the drill.

I'll update more, when I can. In the meantime, please know that you are all in my thoughts, and I would never leave you without at least saying Goodbye.

Kisses on all your pink parts.

-Shanshu

Fuck Earth Day

2006-04-22T15:17:00.000-05:00

Since I do not believe that I can adequately describe my feelings towards Earth Day and how incredibly lame it is to me, I decided to let somebody else describe it, for me. I am choosing to blog today about Earth Day and why it sucks, using one of my favorite comedians, George Carlin and his rant about "Save the Planet". I hope you enjoy it.

We're so self-important. So self-important. Everybody's going to save something now. "Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales...save those snails." And the greatest arrogance of all: save the planet. What? Are these fucking people kidding me? Save the planet? We don't even know how to take care of ourselves yet. We haven't learned how to care for one another, we're gonna save the fucking planet?I'm getting tired of that shit. I'm tired of fucking Earth Day, I'm tired of these self-righteous environmentalists; these white, bourgeois liberals who think the only thing wrong with this country is there aren't enough bicycle paths. People trying to make the world save for their Volvos. Besides, environmentalists don't give a shit about the planet. They don't care about the planet. Not in the abstract they don't. You know what they're interested in? A clean place to live. Their own habitat. They're worried that some day in the future, they might be personally inconvenienced. Narrow, unenlightened self-interest doesn't impress me.

Besides, there is nothing wrong with the planet. Nothing wrong with the planet. The planet is fine. The PEOPLE are fucked. Difference! The planet is fine. Compared to the people, the planet is doing great. Been here four and a half billion years. Did you ever think about the arithmetic? The planet has been here four and a half billion years. We've been here, what? A hundred thousand? Maybe two hundred thousand? And we've only been engaged in heavy industry for a little over two hundred years. Two hundred years versus four and a half billion. And we have the CONCEIT to think that somehow we're a threat? That somehow we're gonna put in jeopardy this beautiful little blue-green ball that's just a-floatin' around the sun?

The planet has been through a lot worse than us. Been through all kinds of things worse than us. Been through earthquakes, volcanoes, plate tectonics, continental drift, solar flares, sun spots, magnetic storms, the magnetic reversal of the poles...hundreds of thousands of years of bombardment by comets and asteroids and meteors, worlwide floods, tidal waves, worldwide fires, erosion, cosmic rays, recurring ice ages...And we think some plastic bags, and some aluminum cans are going to make a difference?

The planet isn't going anywhere. WE ARE! We're going away. Pack your shit, folks. We're going away. And we won't leave much of a trace, either. Thank God for that. Maybe a little styrofoam. Maybe. A little styrofoam. The planet'll be here and we'll be long gone. Just another failed mutation. Just another closed-end biological mistake. An evolutionary cul-de-sac. The planet'll shake us off like a bad case of fleas. A surface nuisance. You wanna know how the planet's doing? Ask those people at Pompeii, who are frozen into position from volcanic ash, how the planet's doing. You wanna know if the planet's all right, ask those people in Mexico City or Armenia or a hundred other places buried under thousands of tons of earthquake rubble, if they feel like a threat to the planet this week. Or how about those people in Kilowaia, Hawaii, who built their homes right next to an active volcano, and then wonder why they have lava in the living room.

The planet will be here for a long, long, LONG time after we're gone, and it will heal itself, it will cleanse itself, 'cause that's what it does. It's a self-correcting system. The air and the water will recover, the earth will be renewed, and if it's true that plastic is not degradable, well, the planet will simply incorporate plastic into a new pardigm: the earth plus plastic. The earth doesn't share our prejudice towards plastic. Plastic came out of the earth. The earth probably sees plastic as just another one of its children. Could be the only reason the earth allowed us to be spawned from it in the first place: It wanted plastic for itself. Didn't know how to make it. Needed us. Could be the answer to our age-old egocentric philosophical question, "Why are we here?" Plastic...asshole.

So, the plastic is here, our job is done, we can be phased out now. And I think that's begun. Don't you think that's already started? I think, to be fair, the planet sees us as a mild threat. Something to be dealt with. And the planet can defend itself in an organized, collective way, the way a beehive or an ant colony can. A collective defense mechanism. The planet will think of something. What would you do if you were the planet? How would you defend yourself against this troublesome, pesky species? Let's see... Viruses. Viruses might be good. They seem vulnerable to viruses. And, uh...viruses are tricky, always mutating and forming new strains whenever a vaccine is developed. Perhaps, this first virus could be one that compromises the immune system of these creatures. Perhaps a human immunodeficiency virus, making them vulnerable to all sorts of other diseases and infections that might come along. And maybe it could be spread sexually, making them a little reluctant to engage in the act of reproduction.

Well, that's a poetic note. And it's a start. And I can dream, can't I? See I don't worry about the little things: bees, trees, whales...snails. I think we're part of a greater wisdom than we will ever understand. A higher order. Call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. The Big Electron...Whoooa. It doesn't punish, it doesn't reward, it doesn't judge at all. It just is. And so are we. For a little while.

An Analysis of Cursing, Dammit

2006-04-20T08:59:00.000-05:00

This morning while I was getting ready for work in what can only be described as a hangover-induced stupor of haziness and idiocy, I managed to stub my already injured toe on the edge of the door jam leading to the bathroom. The resulting scream and explosion of various curse words which emanated from my mouth got me to thinking about how strange our cursing is, if you really sit back and analyze it.

For example, consider the popular curse word motherfucker. When we say that, what are we trying to convey to the person we shoot this verbal harassment at? Are we stating that the person has sex with mothers? That they are a person who fucks mothers? If so, then would you be able to call a husband and father a motherfucker? Wouldn't they just look at you and say, "Well yes...I do have sexual relations with my wife, who happens to be a mother. What's your point?"

See my point? The curse word motherfucker is on the lame side, since it's really not that big of an insult, if you stop and analyze it. We often hear attractive moms affectionately referred to as MILFs (Mom I'd Like to Fuck), and yet at the same time, we consider it to be an insult to have sex with one. Where is the logic in that?

How about another popular phrase? Let's examine the phrase fuck you. When somebody walks up to you and says "fuck you", what are they saying? If we assume that fuck is a verb which relates to sexual intercourse, then is the phrase fuck you an offer of sex? How is that an insult? At least the phrase "go fuck yourself" makes sense...you're telling somebody to go home and masturbate, which has the capacity to be insulting to somebody. "Fuck you" doesn't even make sense, grammatically. Replace "fuck" with another verb and see if it makes more sense...run you, jump you, eat you. See? They don't really make sense. Neither does "fuck you".

Another derivation of fuck is to say fuck off. What does this mean? I can't even begin to analyze it. I know it's meant to replace "go away" but I just don't understand the concept here. I think the "off" is what throws me for a curve. "Go the fuck away" makes more sense to me. Somehow that morphed into "fuck off" and I'm not sure how. I think this might have been the result of a person who couldn't cuss properly. They flubbed the phrase "get the fuck off my property" and now we have the simplified and semi-confusing "fuck off".

Here's a good one: cock. When used as a noun, it's fine...but when used as an insult, it's lame. "Hey, Shanshu! You're a cock!" What the hell? When somebody calls you a cock, what's the point? They're basically saying you're a penis, which would imply that a penis is a negative thing. So, does that mean they think you resemble a penis? Or perhaps that you act like a penis? If so, in what sense do I act like a penis? Why does it insult me, to be compared to a piece of genitalia that I already own? I don't get it.

Here's one I got from my grandmother: Screw a fat duck. Ok, seriously...what? She used this not as an insult, but as a simple expletive. She'd drop a pan of cookies and yell out "screw a fat duck!" and I'd be mystified. Having sex with a duck (or, if you rather...fucking a duck) seems to be bad enough...but why does the foul have to be fat? Can ducks even BE fat? Is it more of an insult to tell a person to mate with a fat duck over a regular duck? Part of me thinks she said this phrase to avoid using a "bad" curse word like shit. But, is "screw a fat duck" really better to say, than "shit"? Shit seems more harmless, in my opinion. Beastiality is never a good thing, and is not exactly what I would call a "tame" activity. She would have been better off, sticking with "Shit!" when she dropped something...at least that's normal and doesn't involve sex with poultry.

Here's a classic: the shit's gonna' hit the fan. Um...ideas? Comments? 'Cause I don't have any clue what this means, or how somebody came up with it. I know we use it to say "things in this particular situation are going to become bad if a certain event occurs." You know, like "If mom catches us having sex with this overweight duck, the shit is really going to hit the fan." I understand the context of the phrase, but the etymology escapes me.

Another one I've always found to be humorous, in the sense that it seems like a lame attempt at insulting somebody: bite me. It makes no sense if you analyze it. You're actually telling a person to harm you. Um...helllooooooooooo? That's dumb.
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Tim: I can't figure out he answer to this math problem.
Bill: Haha! You're stupid at math!
Tim: Bite me!
Bill: Um...ok.
Tim: OW! You fucking bit me!!
Bill: Yeah, you told me to. Boy, you sure showed me, didn't you? How about the next time I insult you, you tell me to punch you in the face? Because that's the only way this would be more humorous.
Tim: I hate you.
Bill: That's better.

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Anyway, those are just a few of the curses and phrases that I find to be lacking, in the "making sense" department. There are more, of course...but I've proven my point, I think. Maybe you have a curse word or phrase that you've always thought sounded strange? Maybe you've never thought about it, or could care less about why we say the things we do. Either way, I bet you'll think twice the next time somebody tells you to fuck off. Maybe you'll be tempted to respond with "Fuck off what?" and watch as they frantically try to make sense of what just happened.

Office Supply Wednesday

2006-04-19T08:22:00.000-05:00

The Tragedy of Omi the Office Ninja

Part 2

Previously, on Omi the Office Ninja:

Tragedy! Omi was found stuck to the wall...impaled by an unknown enemy!

But, do not fear. Ninja can heal themselves. Sometimes, they use black magic and sorcery to accomplish this. Other times, they make use of herbs and ointments in the traditions of their fathers before them. But, in certain instances when the wound is severe, office ninja are forced to resort to drastic measures: Staple-puncture.

It is an ancient remedy, passed down from the days of the first rubber office ninja.

Omi's mind and body must become one, if he is to attain balance and heal his wounds. Soon, revenge will come to the person who impaled our little orange assassin! Vengeance will be his!

Will Omi heal himself in time?

Who was the unseen enemy who impaled our office ninja?

Will Omi get revenge?

Tune in next week!!

Noooo, Really? I Never Would Have Guessed!

2006-04-17T09:09:00.000-05:00

Today's DUH moment, brought to you by the British Medical Journal.

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Study: Goths More Prone to Suicide

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Bloggers MIA

2006-04-14T07:48:00.000-05:00

My friends are gone. There has been no movement from their blogs, for a many moons now. The skies turn red with the blood of their...um....blogger wounds. Nobody updates their blogs anymore, and I am alone. Isolation. Dispair. I feel the cold winds of change blowing against my cubicle, and while I know it is time to clean out my links, I find it difficult to let go.

So, to help me with the transition, I have assembled a list to honor those who have passed.

Badtouch
Last posted: January 4, 2006

Danius Maximus
Last posted: February 24, 2006

Dirty Blonde
Last posted: March 25, 2006

Musie
Last posted: February 24, 2006

Ebeth
Last posted: January 12, 2006

H.M.H.
Last posted: March 6, 2006

Nameless
Last posted: December 22, 2005

Pizzle
Last posted: March 13, 2006

Rich
Last posted: March 14, 2006

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To show honor to their courage to rage against the man and waste time at work for the entertainment and benefit of humanity, I will not be deleting thier names from my Links List. Instead, I will create a new links section to honor the dead. Perhaps someday, they will rise again like a Phoenix from the ashes and entertain us, once more.

I'll only put the terminally ill bloggers in the graveyard. The sick and dying will go to the Hospital.

Our thoughts are prayers are with you, MIA Bloggers.

Something You Don't See Everyday...

2006-04-13T10:20:00.000-05:00

While scanning the headlines on CNN today, one of them popped out at me, and caused me to do a double-take. You don't often see headlines like this one:

4 Years for Amish Sex Scam

Office Supply Wednesday

2006-04-12T09:29:00.000-05:00

OSW TRAGEDY!!

I came into the office this morning to find Omi had been attacked! His lifeless body was found hanging on the cubicle wall, like some cheap deer head trophy.

I couldn't believe my eyes. Omi had been impaled by some unknown enemy, and displayed for all in the office to see. Evil is afoot.

Gently, I took him down from the wall and placed him on the desk to assess the severity of his wounds. It doesn't look good. Is there a ninja surgeon in the house?!

Overheard Things Are the Best

2006-04-11T08:41:00.000-05:00

So last night, while screwing around online and minding my own little business, I happened to overhear a conversation that my girlfriend was having on the phone with her mother. The majority of which, is not important for this post. What is important, is one of the things I happened to overhear. I'll play it back for you, as best as I can:

Jen: He's coming in town this weekend? That's great! ... Well, I haven't seen him for a while. ... Yes, he's my brother and I love him. ... What? What do you mean, he doesn't know how to spell his own middle name? Oh. Wait, why? Why does he need...what?! Brian is tyring to get himself ordained as a minister?! Why is he doing... Oh, he's drunk? Ok.

Knowing Jen's brother, and knowing the random shit that he does like this...I pictured him online trying to become a minister and I laughed out loud. Then I laughed at the randomness of the situation. Then I laughed some more.

I'm not sure if this will be funny to anybody else...but I had to share the story because I had nothing else to say today and I wanted to update my blog.

So..um....that's all you get.

Friggin' List of Firsts

2006-04-06T09:39:00.000-05:00

I stole this from Penny, and I feel no guilt. None, I say! Now, read my answers and contemplate every possible meaning of the phrase "Like a baby's arm".
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1. Who was your first prom date?

My first prom date (junior prom) was Lindsey. She looked hot and we rode in my friend's Mustang. Lindsey is a huge Beatles freak, and while we were outside snogging we missed the John Lennon song Imagine, which happened to be the theme for that prom. She was not happy.
My senior prom date was a blind date. Yep, totally. She and I had never met before, until I went to her house to pick her up and let her parents take pictures of us. My friend hooked us up, but we never spent the time to get to know each other, before the dance. We were lame, but we still had fun in an arranged marriage, sort of way.

2. Who was your first roommate?

Well, in college I was in a fraternity (Tau Kappa Epsilon in case you were curious) my first semester, so I had a bunch of roomies. But my first, official college apartment roommates were Kathy and Emily. Yeah, that's right bitches...I lived with two girls. And yes, there was some hanky involved with one of them. Ka-ching!

3. What alcoholic beverage did you drink when you got drunk the first time?

Jack Daniels....out of little shot bottles, purchased from a gas station during my senior spring break. The next day was also my first hangover.

4. What was your first job?

When I was 14, I worked at a local movie theatre called The Glenwood. It was one of those movie theatres that had some class, and history. Back when people would get dressed up to go to the movies and watch propaganda ads about the war with the Nazis. It was a great first job, and I loved it.

5. What was your first car?

1986 Pontiac Sunbird, purchased for me by my grandparents. It was silver, and had all the 80's trimmings..including a pair of deer sensors on the hood. That's right, I had deer sensors. They are these little devices that emit a high-pitched sound that deer can hear from far away...so they won't stand in the road as you drive by, and crash into you. My grandparents said it was for safety. My friends still make fun of me about it, to this day.

6. When did you go to your first funeral?

I don't remember how old I was...I think 9 or 10. It was my Aunt Bunny, whom I had never met before. I remember it was open-casket and I was too afraid to go up and see her, so I stayed in my seat and thought about death and probably Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

7. How old were you when you first moved away from your hometown?

I was 9 years old, when my mom moved us from my home of Mesquite, Texas to Kansas City, Missouri. That year was a bad year for winter in the midwest, and we got hit by a blizzard 3 months after we moved in. I had never even SEEN snow before, and seeing a blizzard pretty much freaked me the hell out.

8. Who was your first grade teacher?

I have no idea. But I can tell you the name of my 3rd grade teacher: Mrs. Kennedy. She used to give us jellybeans, when we got an answer correct. It was kind of Pavlovian in design, but seemed to work on us.

9. Where did you go on your first airplane ride?

Kansas City. It wasn't very exciting.

10. When you snuck out of your house for the first time, who was with you?

My buddy, Ray. We were young, and didn't do anything when we did sneak out...it was just the fact that we were outside, when we weren't supposed to be. That made it fun. But in reality, it was pretty boring.

11. Who was your first Best Friend and are you still friends always?

My first Best Friend was Jason, in Texas. When I moved away we lost touch, and I have no idea what he's up to, or where he lives. I don't even remember his last name.

12. Where did you live the first time you moved out of your parents house?

Didn't we already cover this? I lived in a fraternity house on campus at college.

13. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day?

My girlfriend, and then my mistress. Just kidding!! I call my mistress first.

14. Who's wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid or a groomsmen?

Dammit. I hate recalling bad memories...the first time I was a groomsmen, was for my father's marriage to his 3rd wife. I was too young to drink, so I had to suffer the fools sober. Don't get me started on this topic.

15. What is the first thing you do in the morning?

I Wake up. This question is a little lame.

16. What was the first concert you ever went to?

Aerosmith, 1996. We sat 3rd row, center. The seats were awesome, and the show kicked major ass. Yes, I didn't go to my first concert until I was 18....what of it?

17. First tattoo or first piercing?

My first piercing was my ears. My first tattoo was kanji on my right arm. Neither one of them directly contributed to me having sex.

18. First celebrity crush?

Alyssa Milano, from Who's the Boss. And she's still hot today, bitches. Oh, and I've seen her naked before, too. In movies. Aw yea.

19. First crush?

Wow, I can't belive I still remember this, but her name was Sky Purser and it was in 1st grade...she was a brunette and wicked cute. I think we shared crayons once, or something. Sky, if you're out there and you're reading this...I already have a mistress. It would never work between us.

20. First love?

Lame, lame question. I hate stuff like this. I'm not going to answer this..too many people I know read this blog. Instead, I'll just tell you that my first date was with a girl named Brooke and we'll leave it at that.

Hide and Seek!

2006-04-05T10:41:00.000-05:00

Can you find Omi in this picture?

What about here?

Or here? Ninja are stealthy, don't forget.

Happy Office Supply Wednesday!

There's a Reason Man Discovered Fire

2006-04-03T09:16:00.000-05:00

It has always been my personal belief, that people who eat things raw or semi-raw are completely out of their minds. I have never understood the appeal of taking a piece of meat that is still bloody, briefly putting fire to it...and then shoving it into your mouth. Why is this cool? How can this possibly be considered a culinary positive? It has always seemed to me, that the best way to eat meat is to season it with spices and herbs, cook it, and then eat it. As simple as this would appear to be, apparently there are people out there who believe that the best way to truly appreciate devouring the flesh of another living creature is to do it in the most primitive, primal way possible...tear it off the bone while the heart is still beating. Only then will you truly savor the life force of your prey, and enjoy you meal.

I'm here to say, that I am not one of these people. I was raised in one of those crazy households that likes to cook the food, before we eat it. The only un-cooked food that is even remotely acceptable to me, is cookie dough. Other than that, you'd better stick it in the oven before I'll touch it. Raw meat is lame. So lame, it limps. It limps off your plate, then runs into the garden to heal and recuperate so it can come back and slap you upside the head, for trying to eat it without cooking it, first.

That being said, I went with some friends to a sushi restaurant this weekend. I allowed myself to be persuaded into trying raw fish, on the basis that it was a new experience and potentially happy situation.

It.

Was.

Not.

I fucking hated it. I tried two different pieces of sushi...spicy shrimp and a California roll. Both of them made me fear God. When I popped the first one into my mouth, I actually had a moment in which I debated whether or not to vomit on the table in front of everybody...or simply turn my head and aim for the plant in the corner. The only other time I felt such an overwhelming need for regurgitation was that time I watched Dr. Phil without being high on crystal meth.

I take pride in the fact that I not only chewed and swallowed the whole piece of sushi roll...but I even tried a second bite of another, just to be absolutely positive that I hated the shit out of it. After that crap was done and I had proved to myself and everybody around me that my nuts are of good size, I drank as much plum wine and water as I could to help wash the taste of sea cow out of my mouth.

The taste is still there, though. Yesterday I was having lunch and I could swear I tasted raw spicy shrimp in my hamburger. I'm not crazy...it was in there, I know it. Fucking chef bastards putting sushi into my cow patty.

So, I tried sushi. I hated sushi. I'm never eating sushi again.

Omi Wednesday

2006-03-29T08:52:00.000-06:00

That's right, kiddies! Today is Office Supply Wednesday, starring our favorite orange office ninja of small stature himself, Omi!

Omi made it back safe and sound from his journey to explore the rest of the office. He encountered water fountains, toilets, and a certain copy machine who shall remain nameless. I think Omi learned that the best place to find yourself, is in your own backyard. So he returned to the safety of my cubicle to help me once again thwart office evil and help maintain order within the business unit.

Sadly, Omi ran across a package of unmarked pills during his travels. I told him to throw them away; that they were unsafe for little ninjas. Omi didn't listen. Soon he was tripping worse than Barney on meth, and we all know how that turned out.

I spent all day yesterday watching over our little friend; making sure he didn't fall asleep in the copier, or accidentally swallow his sai. Luckily, he passed the day in a harmless psychedelic bliss which can only be described as groovy.

Afterwards, Omi learned the full negative effects of drugs, and he is wiser for it.

I wish they made mini-ninja aspirin...poor Omi.

Oh My God! They killed Chef! You bastards!

2006-03-27T09:41:00.000-06:00

So last night I finally got to see the new South Park episode "Return of Chef", and I have to say I thought it was awesome. There were some parts that made me laugh outloud in that raspy, asthmatic way that only truly funny things can.

I was going to do a whole post about the episode, and what I thought of it. Then I realized that I would just be saying the same things that other people have said, and it's not like everybody doesn't already know what's going on, anyway. Chef is gone. Chef is dead. He was set on fire, fell down a cliff, impaled on a stick, chewed on by a mountain lion, and ripped apart by a gorram bear. Chef is no more, children. They fucking killed him in the most bloody, gory way possible. And it was friggin' hilarious.

If you don't know the full story about why Isaac Hayes decided to leave the cast of South Park, you can read a pretty good informative story about it here.

The best part of the episode for me was the way in which they left the door open for Isaac to return as Chef, if he so desired. Yes, children...They have already resurrected Chef, though he's more machine now than man. Twisted and sexually evil. He is Darth Chef!

If you click on the picture of Darth Chef above, you will be directed to a great page with the audio from the Darth Chef episode, along with a great new Darth Chef remix of "Chocolate Salty Balls". Totally worth a look.

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RIP, Chef. We'll miss you.

Musical Maladies

2006-03-24T08:42:00.000-06:00

Have you ever wanted to hear a song that you used to love, but is no longer around? Have you ever found yourself searching through closets and used records stores in an attempt to once again hear this song you used to listen to all the time when you were younger? Have you ever found the act of finding said song to be something of a quest? An annoying, frustrating, difficult quest what most often yields negative results, in the end? A quest for musical perfection to quell the urges and memories in your pathetic little brain that leaves you longing?

Well, I'm on such a quest, at this exact moment in time. And it sucks. It sucks donkey balls without a reach-around. It sucks in the face. If I can't find the song I'm looking for soon, I'm pretty sure I'll lose all hope in the internet and it's philosophy of "world wide sharing" and ease of use. Ease of use, my ass. Where's my fucking song?

That song has got to be out there, somewhere. It's ricockulous that I haven't found it, yet. I can't be the only person in the universe who likes this song...somebody out there, had to have uploaded it to a web page, or audio listing. Right?

The closest I've found to what I seek, is some pansy-foo remix that sounds like ass. And when I say "sounds like ass" I am of course referring to the fact that the music resembles a pack of monkeys farting on a microphone in rhythm with each other, along with piano accompaniment.

I will find that gorram song. Oh, yes.

It will be mine.

Bonus Points: +10 Cool Points to the first person to identify the Firefly reference in this post.

OSW on Hold Today

2006-03-22T13:30:00.000-06:00

Ok, so I'm not going to make excuses. I'm sick today and I don't feel up to being creative for today's Office Supply Wednesday post. Omi is tired anyway, and I think my camera phone is full at the moment.

Besides, would you really want me to post a lame picture, just to satisfy your Omi addiction? Probably so, but I'm not going to do it, anyway. Just deal with it. Know that I love you, and Omi loves you....but today isn't your day.

Even if I wanted to give you a pic today, I couldn't. Blogger Photo Editor isn't working. The bitches aren't taking care of their server, and if they don't get their act together soon, Omi will have his vengeance.

Oh, yes. Omi doesn't forget.

Anyhoo, sorry 'bout the lack of Omi Supply Wednesday. There's always next week.

Toodles.

Happy Saint Patrick's Day!

2006-03-17T09:56:00.000-06:00

Jen went out last night for some sort of Irish dinner celebration.
Jen drank at the Irish dinner celebration.
Jen woke up feeling hungover today.

I gave her no sympathy.

Drinking the night before Saint Patrick's Day is like...eating a huge meal before you sit down to Thanksgiving dinner.

It's not smart.

I'm sure this goes without saying, but everybody be safe today/tonight. Remember, only idiots drive while drunk...and always wear a condom.

Unless you're masturbating. Then it's ok not to.

Office Supply Wednesday

2006-03-15T08:41:00.000-06:00

Omi recently fell into the mix with the nearby copy/fax machine combo monster unit. I was able to capture a few shots, unnoticed by our hero:

Here you can see that Omi the Orange Office Ninja has encountered the strange goliath copier/fax combo machine. In an effort to press his dominance over all things office supply, Omi attempts to reason with the plastic beast.

Oh, no! The copier/fax machine fights back! Here you can see Omi in a desperate situation...

Yikes! The green laser beams of death have begun to scan our hero! What diabolical scheme has this Xerox beast hatched for Omi?

This means war!

Happy Friday!

2006-03-10T14:56:00.000-06:00

Today's smile brought to you by Foamy the Squirrel : If you've ever had to call Tech Support before, you can relate to this:

Here are the other two Tech Support cartoons, if you'd like to check them out. My favorite is Tech Support #1...cracks me up, every single time I watch it. Enjoy!

Tech Support #2

Tech Support #1

Omi Supply Wednesday!

2006-03-08T09:13:00.000-06:00

Happy OSW!

Welcome to the Adventures of Omi the Office Ninja! I have managed to aquire some of Omi's diary from his travels...take a look to see what our favorite little orange assasin has been up to recently!

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Omi's Log: Day 1

I have successfully escaped the sparsely decorated confines of my rectangular prison. The process was difficult, but in the end I was able to break away and make a dash for the next cell, where I hoped my presence would go unnoticed until such time as my captors ceased their pursuit. My cell-mate, a very handsome and intelligent warrior, facilitated my release with a well-timed distraction. His very descriptive story about group sex and fermented hops was enough to keep the other prisoners busy while I searched for clues as to my whereabouts in this brightly lit, yet stale smelling new environment. If I am lucky, tomorrow I will attempt to traverse the green carpeted marshes and arrive at the local watering hole. May the mighty oracle Dell protect me, on my quest.
-Omi

Omi's Log: Day 3

Today's questing has yielded positive results! I have successfully discovered the location of the local watering hole. It is a very shiny, smooth place with running springs and strange holes in the ground. After extensive study, I have determined that the springs use these holes to evacuate the excess water around the shiny watering hole area, in order to keep the basin from overflowing. I find this engineering feat to be genius, and hope to find further evidence of technological marvels throughout the course of my journey. May the mighty oracle of Dell protect me.
-Omi

Omi's Log: Day 5

So far, my quest of discovery has been fruitful and enlightening. Yesterday, I was in the process of determining the proper function of the mysterious machine of brown hot liquid. After careful review and many hours of observation, it has become apparent that the machine serves as some sort of drinking receptacle for the workers here. The liquid seems to give them vitality and stamina, which I can only assume makes them more productive drones. I attempted to sample some of this "Cough Eee" as the workers called it, however I was unable to drink. The Cough-Eee was too hot, and I began to feel my face burn as I tried. While I was leaving the Cough-Eee area, I heard a worker approach! Quickly, I dove into a nearby bushel of pink pillows, hoping to use my ninja skills of stealth and concealment to my advantage. I'm happy to report that the worker did not notice me, and I was able to continue my travels unabated. Tomorrow I will head towards a source of light I have noticed at the end of the hallway of the green carpet marshes. May the mighty oracle protect me.
-Omi

Omi's Log: Day 7

This new world has proven to be much larger than I anticipated. Today I stumbled across a strange, transparent wall which impeded my journey and restricted me from traveling any further in that direction. As I gazed through the mysterious portal, I saw beyond it a world full of wondrous things and places. It is my hope, that someday I shall step foot into this new world and learn all that there is to learn...and complete my journey of enlightenment.
-Omi

Omi's Log: Day 8

The workers here are better taken care of, than I originally expected. Today I discovered a cave of water machines and mighty springs of joy. These tall architectural wonders stretched far and wide, and I admit I found myself excited to bathe myself in all of the waters that were offered to me. I desired to sample all of the springs, hoping for some sort of magical result or perhaps a blessing from Dell for my successful pilgrimage. Alas, I did not receive a magical blessing, but at one point I did manage to obtain a generous helping of a slimy, sweet smelling substance which poured from a shiny metal spout above my head. When combined with the water of the spring, it produced a wondrous mixture which can only be described as heavy air globules of semi-wet wonderment.

After playing for hours in these sweet-smelling pillows of fun, I headed towards one of the larger water altars. I have dubbed these devices the "Whoosh-Gurglers" because of the strange noise that they create. At times, the water in the lake of these large water altars does not move. At other times, it makes a strange noise and then disappears from view...sucked down into a vortex of darkness. After the water recedes, it then bubbles itself back up, like the springs of old my grandfather told me about. I'm not sure what purpose these serve, and so until I am convinced of their use, I shall remain here studying them. Many ninja would feel threatened by such a long, arduous task of observation. I, however, am not at all worried. These strange altars hold plenty of drinking water, and I have created a new game in which I attempt to guess the amount of time that will elapse in between each water disappearance. The answer will not elude me for long. Until then, may the Dell oracle enlighten me.
-Omi

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Don't miss next week's exciting episode of The Adventures of Omi the Office Ninja, when Omi confronts the strange monster of replication!

...and the winner is: a big fat chainsaw to your head!

2006-03-06T08:27:00.000-06:00

Let's get this out in the open, right now. I don't want there to be any confusion on this matter, nor do I wish for anybody to walk away from their computer without knowing my belief in regards to one of the things in this world that actually causes me pain, from all of the rage that builds up within my body when I think about it. I fucking hate award shows.

Last night, I'm sure a great many of you turned your attentions towards The Oscars with hopes of wardrobe malfunctions and the wackiness that ensues when uber important mega-rich movie gods honor us with their presence for a few hours while they take the opportunity to pat each other on the backs and remind us of how cool they are. I'm sure there were some great non-improvised cheesy one-liners and a whole plethora of "shouts out to God" in-between the skits and musical numbers that helped draw attention away from the recently washed-up actor in the second hour of his drug-induced coma. I'm sure it was peachy.

It's just...not my thing. And that is the nicest way I can put that, without offending the whole damn world.

Award shows bug the ever-loving shit out of me, and that is no joke. At one point while flipping channels last night, I accidentally caught about 10 seconds of the announcer saying something movie related during the Oscars, and it actually made my liver scrunch up and die. I have to go downtown to the black market and pick a new one up, this afternoon. Ohhh that reminds me, I also need some paperclips...

Anyhoo, since I hate award shows more than I hate being kicked in the nuts by a pissed off donkey, I spent most of last night watching Dog The Bounty Hunter reruns while my girlfriend licked my nipples and moaned like a porn star. I tried to get her to invite another girl over for some anti-awards show group bunny protest sex...but alas, we couldn't find anybody who wasn't watching the damn Oscars.

Unlike my victory over Reality TV, I know with this one I'm fighting a losing battle...I know that most people enjoy watching award shows, and there is no end in sight to the madness. I know that people anxiously awaiting to hear who the pre-determined winner for Best Actor or Best Film are numerous, and cannot be stopped. I know that for whatever reason, award shows entertain most of you...and I respect that.

I just fucking hate them. I hate the Oscars, worst of all. The arrogance and pretentiousness of the whole thing makes my butt itch. I'm actually thankful that I haven't heard people talking about The Oscars yet, here at work. I think that might actually push me over the edge.

I hate award shows, and I hate the hype that surrounds them, and I hate the news articles and summations you find online about them the next day. I hate the whole fucking process, and everything that it entails.

Oh, by the way...who won for best actor?

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