Navy: Accelerate Your Nazi

So...the US Naval base in Coronado, known for SEAL training and other amphibious base operations has recently come under ze fire, mein readers. Apparently, the layout of one of the barracks was not thought through fully by our Navy architects. In fact, it appears as if it wasn't thought out, period.

You know why? Well, it's because the fucking buildings are arranged in the shape of a Swastika. I shit you not:

See the Google Map of Coronado here
CNN video report here


Good job, Navy. You have officially made our military look stupid. How on earth did nobody look at these blueprints....do a double-take....and say, "You know what, Sergeant? This barracks design looks like.....um....well, it resembles....shit, it's a fucking Swastika!! Perhaps we should change it?"

Good planning.

Days of the Week: A Study

Monday: Most of us hate Mondays since it's the start of a new work week, and the end of the weekend. I hate Mondays for the above reasons, but also because Monday nights I have study group. Study group is mandatory for the business program that I'm in, and while I enjoy my study group members, I don't like meeting every week to go over homework and do our stupid group projects that are constantly due. It's tedious and it takes up too much of my precious time. When I get off work, I have nothing to look forward to.

Tuesday: I like Tuesdays. It's the day after Monday, and for some reason that seems to make it a bit brighter. It's still too early in the week to get excited about anything relating to the weekend, but it's not Monday and that is saying something.

Wednesday: Hump day. I fucking hate it. I have class on Wednesday nights. That means from the moment I get off work until almost 10:00pm I am busy doing school stuff. Dinners are always rushed and lame, classroom boredom reigns. Wednesdays can suck my dick and choke on it.

Thursday: Woo! Thursdays are fun. It's the only day during the week that I have nothing to do, whatsoever. No class, no homework, no study group, no chores, errands, or engagements. It's my lazy night and I love it. Sometimes, I'm so happy for Thursday to be here, I pretend it's Friday already and get with the partying and the relaxing.

Friday: Everybody loves Friday. No need to get too much into it....it's a given. We all love Friday. Kisses for all.

Saturday: Love this day, too. It's usually my chore and errands day. You know, car wash, grocery store, bank, post office, etc. Stuff like that. I try to do them in the morning, so I have plenty of time for relaxing and fun. Saturday nights are usually a party night and going out to eat. Fun fun fun.

Sunday: Sundays are a bit tricky. On the one hand, it's a weekend day and that makes it great. Plus, it's God's day so that's important. But on the other hand...it's the day before Monday, and Monday sucks so hard that it bleeds over into Sunday. It's the anticipation of Monday that makes Sunday suck, sometimes. I'm not sure how I feel about Sundays, to be honest. I'm on the proverbial fence on this one.

Caption Contest

Give me your best captions! Post them in the comments.

Examples:

"Sometimes you just don't feel like working anymore."

or

"Never be afraid to be different."

Random Movie Quotes

"Witches in days gone by were roasted just like my Vienna sausage."

"Why Ike...whatever do you mean? Maybe poker's just not your game, Ike. I know! Let's have a spelling contest!"

"I don't know why they call this stuff 'Hamburger Helper'. It does just fine by itself."

"And shepherds we shall be, for Thee my Lord, for Thee. Power hath descended forth from Thy hand, that our feet might swiftly carry out Thy command, and we will flow a river forth to Thee, and teaming with souls shall it ever be. In nomine Patri, et Fili, et Spiritus Sancti."

"Wow, I didn't know we'd become such good friends. Because if we had, you'd know that I give head before I give favors and I don't even give my best friends head. So your chances of getting a favor right now are pretty fucking slim."

"Do you know what "nemesis" means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an 'orrible cunt... me."

"I'll tell you what I'm doing. I want to buy eight hot dogs and eight hot dog buns to go with them. But no one sells eight hot dog buns. They only sell twelve hot dog buns. So I end up paying for four buns I don't need. So I am removing the superfluous buns."

"Wrong. Your ears you keep and I'll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, "Dear God! What is that thing?" will echo in your perfect ears. That is what 'to the pain means'. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever."

"Celibate? I think...I mean, that sounds gay- I just want you to know this is like, the first conversation of like three conversations that leads to you being gay. Like... there's this, and then in a year it's like, "Oh you know, I kinda wanna get back out there, but I think I like guys" and then there's the big, "Oh I'm I'm a gay guy now"."

"Yeah, let me guess something. This is your first visit to La-La-Land. You're staying somewhere in Hollywood because like an idiot you thought that would be an exciting place to stay. Am I right so far? I knew it. Somehow you get on a bus and before you know it you're stuck in the San Fernando Valley without a clue, which brings us to here. Correct again? Where are you staying....The Holiday Inn?"

"I have eight different bosses right now. So that means that when I make a mistake, I have eight different people coming by to tell me about it. That's my only real motivation; is not to be hassled. That, and the fear of losing my job. But you know, Bob...that will only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired."

"The space goes down, down baby, down, down the roller coaster. Sweet, sweet baby, sweet, sweet, don't let me go. Shimmy, shimmy, cocoa pop. Shimmy, shimmy, rock. Shimmy, shimmy, cocoa pop. Shimmy, shimmy, rock. I met a girlfriend - a triscuit. She said, a triscuit - a biscuit. Ice cream, soda pop, vanilla on the top. Ooh, Shelly's out, walking down the street, ten times a week. I read it. I said it. I stole my momma's credit. I'm cool. I'm hot. Sock me in the stomach three more times."

"I'm talking about firing a little black midget. A small, colored, African-American small person. That's what I'm talking about! I'm talking about your face all over goddamn USA Today, that's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about 150 of these little motherfuckers all over the sidewalk out there. Holding picket signs and using bullhorns and shit like that!! Screaming and hollering your name out. Unfair practices, get me?"

"Napoleon, don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter."

Whoa! Look out! This post is *so* not linear!

• The radio in my car is really effing cool. It has a feature when you slow down the car, the volume lowers. It only does it when you're going fast (like on the highway) and then you stop, then you notice the volume lowers. It comes in handy. Today on the way to work I also noticed that it does a sort of "fade out" effect when you are using the "Scan" feature to surf through different radio stations. Way cool. If I could, I've give my car radio a cookie.
  



• I've started going to the gym in the mornings, instead of after work. So far I like it because after work I can go home and relax without feeling fat or lazy. It's also fun to show up to work peppy and fully awake. Although I've noticed that I have less energy and it's easier to get tired, so today I ate a hardboiled egg before I went to the gym and that seemed to solve the problem. I'm worried about this solution, though. I can't eat an egg every morning...I'll die of cholesterol by the time I'm 40. I need an alternate solution.
  
  


• Yesterday a friend and I were doing a quick 80's flashback. One of the things we brought up was old video games. Since I saw that Howard the Duck was on cable yesterday, that reminded me of the Howard the Duck video game I had for my Commodore 64 computer. I told her about it, and she actually found screenshots!! Bless her.






• OJ Simpson is retarded. He really needs to be watched closely in a room with padded walls and spend all of his time knitting blankets and eating the soft foods because he's fucking crazy.

• Did you know that the Dow Jones Industrial Average is not actually an average? That'll fuck with your head for about 10 seconds, I bet.




• Speaking of things I don't give too much of a shit about, my study group spent some time last night trying to figure out Standard Deviation for our Statistics class. The book we have is lame, and confusing. Finally I went online and found the answer and it was much easier. Apparently, my textbook for class is as cool as OJ.






• The girl on the treadmill next to me this morning ran for at least 36 minutes. After that, I did weights and saw her later on still going, only she was walking this time. She might have been on that damn thing for an hour, for all I know. It was very impressive.




• Here's another Far Side cartoon for your viewing pleasure:
  




• Why is it, when people say "It happened for the best" or "everything happens for a reason" it's always after something bad happens?

• This is officially the worst cartoon I've ever seen. Seriously, it made my head hurt. In fact...I have rage issues right now, I hate it so much:

• Who thinks OJ is crazy? Show of hands?
  

• A friend sent me this picture today, and I had to steal it and post it:

Half-Hearted

It was my hope to post something entertaining yet well thought today. One of those posts that makes you stop and consider my words on a deeper level than just the surface layer of poetic and literary dribble that spews forth whenever I go on a rant or tangent. Alas, today I have nothing worth blogging about.

I could find other ways to amuse you. I could recall a humorous event from recent memory or spin you a web of fiction with enough structure and support to keep you interested until the very end.

I don't think I have it in me today. I feel very lazy and un-creative and can't think of anything to say that would be worth your time, or mine.

So instead, I offer a question to entertain and enlighten:


Would you rather live during the ascendancy of a civilization, or during its decline?

Fornication

A Random Memory From My Childhood

My friend Ray and I were walking to the store since we didn't have anything else to do and it was summer, and we were bored. So while we were walking and talking, we started talking about "the sex". Now, I don't remember exactly how old I was, but I think it was around 12 or 13.

We were talking about the dirty stuff and trying to show each other up with our mature knowledge of the subject matter. Since we weren't old enough to actually have sex yet, the next best thing was to pretend like we knew a lot of stuff.

So it was still a competition, in a very adolescent "I've never kissed a girl" kind of way. At one point, we decided to start switching gears from stuff we knew about, to stuff we had actually done. This was particularly humorous since we hadn't done anything at that point, unless you count the movies we had seen with the random side boob showing, or the older kids who had claimed to do everything under the sun, with every girl in school...twice.

Regardless, we continued revealing our sexual experiences back and forth, neither one gaining much ground and the claims becomming greatly far-fetched. At one point, I was attempting to make Ray believe I had felt up a girl who was in school to be a nun because she wanted to know what it was like to have a boy touch her before she took her "pre-vow" Vows.

Yeah. That's how 12 year old Shanshu rolls. He goes after the make-believe pre-nun girls.

Ray decided to lob one back over the fence to me, and it was a doozy. He claimed that he had been fornicated in the restroom at school last week. I stopped in my tracks and turned to him, dumbfounded. Fornicated? What the heck did that mean?

I tried to play it cool, but that didn't last very long and soon I was discovered.

"You don't know what fornicated means, do you??" Ray laughed as he looked at me. I continued to stare at him, debating my choices. I decided to take the high ground, and informed him that I had never in fact, heard of this term before. He laughed again and told me he would explain.

He then proceeded to tell me that when a girl "fornicates you" she rubs your 'thing' back and forth and up and down until it gets hard. Then she stops and you've officially been "fornicated".

...

I told him that sounded painful. He nodded and said, "Yeah it hurt a little bit but you know, you get used to it and it's cool that she's doing it". I stared at him again and asked, "Well...why does she do that, anyway? What's the point?"

He looked at me and said, "Dumbass! It's supposed to get you off!"

"What does that mean?"

"It means...you get off, that's all."

"But what does it mean?"

"You get off when you pee on her hand. I didn't get off that day because I didn't have to go."

"Huh. That sounds stupid."

"Well, you're just too young to get it, yet."

"What? You're only 4 months older, dorkhead!"

"Well, you'll see what I mean in 4 months, then."


For a couple of years afterwards, I was completely convinced that a handjob was the same thing as "being fornicated" by a girl. Needless to say, when I was in health class and the teacher was asking us to explain what different sexual terms meant...I was SLIGHTLY embarassed when I piped up with my brilliant explanation of what it means when a girl "fornicates" you in the bathroom.

Fuck you, Ray. You made me look stupid. Thanks for nothing.

Getting Ridiculous

This is so lame.

I now have two....count them....two Blackberries on my desk. One is my personal handheld, and the other one is for work.

WHY do I have two, you ask? That's easy. Lemme 'splain:

I used to work for Sprint, who offers free mobile service to all employees. It was a pretty sweet deal and I enjoyed it. Because it was free, I loaded myself up with all the fun stuff. I bought a Blackberry 8703 with text, email, internet, instant messaging, and even threw in some GPS action.

Then I left Sprint. My employee discount went with it, and for the first time in years, I was forced to pay for mobile service like the rest of the world.

Fuck.

I had no idea how expensive all the shit I had on my phone was. Blackberry service turned out to be an additional $40 per month. This sucks because the Blackberry service isn't on a work account...so I would have to pay for it. Screw that. It's not worth $40 per month for me to have the ability to IM people and send emails from the car.

Then my work told me they would set me up with Blackberry service. I said ok and then went about my business. Yesterday they dropped off a new Blackberry 8700 through T-mobile to my desk, already activated for me.

Fuck?

So now I have TWO Blackberries...the same model and everything. One for work, and one for....um...my personal use? Lame. I should probably get rid of my Blackberry and buy a new cool handset and leave the work Blackberry for emails and IM's and all of that fun stuff.

For now I look like Batman, complete with the Blackberry utility belt. I just need a cape, and then I can get my ass kicked at the corner market by teenagers.

Sigh. Sometimes things are too complicated.